She was all I had left...

The night I lost the last thing I had was a painful one indeed. It felt like what little bit left of me had been torn away, leaving nothing. I had nothing, so there was nothing. To most it'd seem like nothing, all but a minor, everyday problem of the sort a large majority of us go through at some point. But to me it was much more, because to the weak and suicidal, the issues involving those who matter to us most and all those very issues occurring in such a small period of time, it all comes to much more than a 'minor, everyday problem'.

We were both sat in the town gardens. It was a cold, late evening, not many people were about. The clouds had darkened above us quickly, we could tell it was about to train but made no effort to move. She looked at me, I could feel her staring.
"What's wrong?" I asked, worried. She didn't reply at first, just continued to stare. I lifted my head to look up at her, only to find her angry eyes burning right through my own.
"We need to stop talking." She answered, looking directly ahead of her.
"Stop talking? Why?" You could hear the surprise and sadness in my voice.
"Because of you. You're a lying c***. I can't trust you. You're just pushing me so much closer! I can't do this! You make me worse, I don't need this, don't need you."
"Where's all this coming from?!" I shouted, confused.
"Why should I tell you? Just stay away from me, don't message me, don't text me, don't call me, don't speak to me, don't even look at me." She said through her teeth. The look of fury she wore on her face was painful, combined with her words it was as if someone had pushed a knife into my chest and twisted it as hard and slow as they could.
She didn't even look at me, she slowly got up and walked away, shoulders tense, knuckles white from her tightly clenched fists.

I couldn't move, I tried to stand but it felt like I wasn't there anymore. My head was spinning. What's to keep me here, give me reason to keep eating and breathing? She was all I had. She was my ray of light in this world of darkness and pain. She was what brought a true smile to my face. Yet she found it so easy, so effortless to walk out of my life like that, with no reason, no signs, not a care in the world for the affect it would have on me or the events that could and would follow. She had hurt me more than anyone else ever had and it didn't even matter.

Well, I know what to do now. I don't need to worry about eating. Pretending. Hiding. I don't need to worry about anything, because I know what's coming next. Tomorrow night I am going out for a walk. I will walk the twenty minute walk when it's dark to the busy, main road. I will stand on the bridge above it. I will wait for just the right moment, close my eyes and fall. It's so easy it's almost scary. How nice it is to think of taking my life with no difficulty, it's the thought that keeps me going. Ironic.

This is what happens when you are surrounded by those who are completely oblivious. Everything carries on, the signs are easily hidden. The sounds of vomiting after meals, or absences during meal times are easy to cover. The scars can be disguises with sleeves. The pain can be covered with a fake smile, and be later replaced with tears. But only for so long can one do this, until she breaks.

I was hurt by the last thing I had, the person I loved. I still don't know why but I guess I never will. Good bye, I love you.