live love learn a poetic pain

live, love, learn
wanted to tell this story, its been heavy on my heart.
so I clear my mind, and my notebook, and try to tell it from the start.
Do I start with the hurt and pain that I can recollect from the past?
Or I begin with the happy memories that seem to never last.
All these years, all this time seemed to go by so fast.
And the result is, a sense of reality nor stability, I cannot grasp.
I tell of the annoying creaks of the floorboards, the familiar sound of the my stepfather creeping into my bedroom latest at night. I tell of the fear of a little girl, Innocence repeatedly taken, too scared to put up a fight.Crying to my mother the devil tries to get me so please keep on the light. Said nothing, so no one to reassure me, tell me what is wrong, what is right.

Growing older, more permiscuous, each night, each day.
To boys and men alike, I don't know what to say. Said nothing. they take me, all of me, whispering
"it'll be okay". But I am not okay. I pray. God please take these demons away.

A once bright eyed girl whom yearn to learn, now burned with desire. Desire to be loved like a woman. Loved like the male figures in her life she was supposed to trust had loved her. The love a young girl should not know yet.

I tell the familiar tale of a teenaged girl living life too fast. Now feeling very different, Belling swelling, being excused from class.

Excusing education completely. Letting the demons defeat me.
But out of the ashes of disaster, formed an angel.
For the Lord has given me a son. A beautiful son, for a while we are one.

Soon I run away to what arms will accept me, I felt the girl I used to know, had left me.
Away to a man who taught me all about fast talking and street walking. Heel prancing and pole dancing. So grown-up, but I'm only seventeen. Had learned to live without money, But my eyes were all green. Money scene.

permanent ink upon my back of his name. Hoping I prove my love and dedication. Hoping he felt the same. Its always so good in the beginning. This feeling can't be replaced. That is until I felt the sting of his hand across my face. Domestic violence case. my heart had never felt this place.

Run back home, but no one wanted me around. So I shack up with a cousin on the other side of town. Wanting to find myself, so I start walking around. I meet another older man, I think love is what I found.

This begins a meaningless relationship of lust.
A year and few months later, a pregnancy test is a must.
Again the Lord has formed an angel from the dust.

A beautiful daughter, blessed with beautiful features, bright eyes like mine. Amazing the blessings God will give you with time. Time and patience is what I seemed to need. For that is when I first felt true love indeed.

Even with that love, I could not stay. When I finally felt love, I couldn't deal with. I pushed away.
Ran away again, this love I didn't deserve it. All the happiness, creating good memories, I wasn't worth it.
My sister gave her life to God, then gave it to my daughter. my princess happy as can be, even without a father. Me, still miserable. Unworthy to even call her.
Just to pick up the phone, just to hear her voice.
If she were to see me, no not that. that wouldn't be a good choice.

Now, ive waisted my years, running around with the misters. getting pregnant, having babies, handing them over to my sisters. The demons constantly distract me. Reminding me how im not a mother. So matter of factly. with tears in my eyes. I kiss that life goodbye.
Back to being a young girl I thought I wanted to be. Back to the fast life. If it will have me.

No, that fast life chews me up and spits me out. This life I thought I wanted is a nightmare all throughout. This isn't what I pictured my life to be about. living amongst the demons, hear my cries, hear me shout.

pain in poetry live, love ,learn