An early morning page of thoughts

Hello there my dear friends, writers and thinkers... This is going to be a heart-felt extract by me tonight, as I have so much floating on my mind that i've been needing to get rid of... I always have found it difficult to let go of topics if they are stuck in my head, therefore I cannot seem to sleep, while I am writing this it is 1:14am on Friday the 18th of January. The early mornings always are a good time to spill my life... So let us begin.

You have think that i'm starting this with some sort of plan, or layout in my head to follow... But no, I have no idea what I am going to write, or where the flow is going to end up... But that is the beauty of writing isn't it? Walking on one path, but for little reason, you jump onto another where you find the refreshing waterfall of emotion to wash away your impurity and sins... On the spot that was!

Oh yes, i'm also going to write what song i'm listening to while writing because music affects my life so much as you can probably tell from my past scribblings... So (Mushroomhead: Embrace the ending)

Now to start at a very childlike and immature topic, but I cannot get it out of my head and haven't for so long... naoto shirogane from Persona 4... I can just see ninety per cent of people reading saying "Who the hell is that?", and the other ten per cent saying "what the flip! Where is this idiot going with this... That better be good or i'm going!" Well frankly dear (Nightwish: Meadows of Heaven) readers, I cannot blame you these thoughts, as I would agree it is pretty stupid... But I cannot seem to get this ANIME character out of my head. I am not going to go into detail with her apart from she is a character from a game/Anime, if you want to know more go and play the game, or watch the anime of Persona 4 for more detail as I have not the patience or time to describe the character, the only thing I will say is she wears Ambiguous clothing in the Anime to hide her gender... When I first saw this when watching the Amine for the first time about Six to Seven months ago I didn't know what to think; the 'worldly' side of me was like "thats a little weird, but i'm going to roll with it"... But my 'thinking' side of my head could not get this character out of my head... Is it the admiration of a young woman being able to be so ambiguous in clothing? Is it my desire to dress the same? Or is it my burning passion to be of the opposite sex?... (Nightwish: The Islander) Alright, I don't THINK that it is the last one, as i'm perfectly happy (for the most part) being male, but there is just something buried deep within my head begging me to either dress Ambiguously or just full blown Cross dress... My inner Goddess maybe? Or maybe not... Man, reading over this and I sound... Strange, and I use Ellipsis too much, but that is not the point of this paragraph (ha) (Casting Crowns: Set me free) My point is to simply try to vent my inner feelings to an "unseeing eye" of this website anonymously as you little readers out there (hello) can only take me by these words on your screens;, as there is only one other person in the world who knows this, and you will get to that soon, once I have finished this gender confusing paragraph... It's almost done I promise. (Nightwish: Slow love slow) Maybe one day down the line when i'm living alone in my one bedroom bedsit inside the glorious hole that is northern Ireland I shall try dressing Ambiguously, or even just become a hardcore cross dresser that goes by the name of Felicity... But that is a BIG maybe. Just because I feel like I may be treated with a certain degree of bias about this touchy subject, I'll throw up a page of this Naoto character right here http://megamitensei.wikia.com/wiki/Naoto_Shirogane
So maybe they will see this and let me know that I am not alone in the cold, yet warm place that is our first world. (Nightwish: Song of Myself)

Still here after that super happy fun fun fun time paragraph? Well let us move on to some more great topics. Just looked at the clock on my laptop, and it's not 1:46 am... So that took a lot longer than I was expecting, maybe this will keep me up all night... But i'd rather do something semi-productive than lay in my bed and stare at the dark abyss that is... My ceiling. But back to the topic at hand however... As I said above, I said there is one person in the world that know this dark part of my mind that no-one but myself knows... I'm not going to name her, as I think it will be unfair towards her (Yes it's a her, but that is all you are going to get from me!) so for the sake of this book I appear to be writing (ha) we shall call her 'sam'... Sam is the second most person in the world I trust (first goes to jesus) the most... I actually do not know why, as we didn't really speak until late 2011, but we just seem to... 'work' well together, soon I just started to tell her things without even realising that no one was to know about that fact... But although I know she's a bit "right... This is a little odd, but i'm going to roll with it" She keeps it quiet between us, and through this, I know stuff that again No one knows... Its just a binding bond we have. The next best thing is the fact when people see us together, they think we are a couple since we get on so closely... But alas my dear server nothing it happening like that between us... Yet, I say this because we have both openly said to each other that we have feelings for each other, (Hayley Westenra: Prayer) but she said to me that she doesn't want to spoil the relationship that we have already have, as it is a special bind we have, almost like a brother and sister... Truthfully, I do not know the first thing about having a girlfriend since, well... I've never had a proper one, and it's the same to her, so I think she is just worried something will happen that will tear us apart; and I can respect that in a person, and i'm willing to wait, hell i'm in no rush. I do want to make sure it is the "one" for me, and it will have to be part of God's plan for my first stage of life (Jesus Culture: We are Hungry), some of you may think this as my life is being controlled by an 'idea' that was thought up, and maybe you are right! But i'm not going to talk that this just now, as it is not the correct paragraph, that may come later. Maybe when me and Sam are married with kids and i'm playing bass in a HUGE christian metal band, i'll show this to her, to show her what my head was like back then... Strange thought isn't it!


I'm glad you have decided to read this far, as maybe my typings will help someone else one day to be themselves... Now to move on to ANOTHER problem that is stuck in my head and will not go away... My faith. In case you didn't know I am a christian, not a Catholic, not a Protestant, not a Methodist, a pentecostal or any other stupid and pointless denominations there is in the world today, if you are a christian, or even any other faith... YOU BELONG TO THAT FAITH, not some stupid denomination (Jesus Culture: Let it rain). Well, that was unexpected... Moving swiftly on, i'm a Christian, and i'm not going to back down from this... Flip it's now 2:11am... I could have moved the time to the top of the paragraph, that where is the point?! I'm just mad today! But back to the topic. As you may or may not know, although I do see myself as a Christian, as that is the faith I follow... Just because of my upbringing and years of thinking instead of playing (I always was the 'weird' kid) I cannot say that my Religion or faith is the only one... But i'm not going to write out one of my other writing pages again, so i'll post a link to the other one right here if you have not read it http://www.Writing.Com/main/view_item/item_id/1903378-A-way-to-talk-to-everyone-...
However, last night (Thursday) I was at my churches youth group I helped to start up... And although i'm really close to a lot of the members and my friends down there (Nightwish: Last of the wilds) there is no one who I can completely be myself with, apart from my dear friend Sam, Jesus, and you my dear readers... Man, every time I say that to myself it makes me smile.
I do hope that I will be able to sleep for a bit after this... and i've been writing for a bloody hour (ha).


Ummmmm, that is everything I can think of, and right now, I believe this is be sufficient to you... But even though I sound like i'm crying for help, i'm not, so please (Serenade of water: musician unknown) do not take it that was. I'm just trying to get rid of some thoughts that have been stuck in my head for too long... And I think that it has helped.
Or maybe no-one has read this far down, as they got bored with everything three hours ago when you started this piece of writing! But frankly, although it is nice to see stars and reviews when I log on, that is not why I write, I write because I enjoy the feeling for spilling my whole head out onto a page. And it feels pretty damn good!

So, I might as well go then, thank you very much for actually reading this... Thing here, I hope that I have at least made you think for a while

God bless and I shall put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) again soon

Michael (Brightguy01)