The Inner Workings of a Writers Mind

What happens when someone is so far down the hole that there is no coming back? It is unknown what will happen. No one can possibly know because it is based on each person. It is based on ever small aspect of their life. It will be a rough road, for whoever decides to take it. But the road is always worth the travel, or is it? At this point, this road might lead away from the desired feelings. What happens when someone is so sick of everything that they are, right at that moment. Standing at the edge of their breaking point, teetering between falling to safety, or falling to peril. Who is to say that this person can’t be helped? No one can say that. Miracles happen.



How does it feel to be too attached, too invested and too different? It is one of the most lonely feelings in the world actually. No one would really think so, but once you’re that kind of person there is no easy way out. You find joy in the random things in life, the “weird” things that people don’t like to talk about. You start to find yourself sitting at a computer, starting to look for other people. People, who are like you. These people become your lifeline, your whole world. They become your support system and you look forward to talking to them. Until one day, everything changes and you sign on and no one seems to want to talk to you. You start to think of things you could have done wrong. You take the blame and the weight of every single thing you have ever said or done in terms of that person starts to pile up on your shoulders. You are weighed down by these decisions you had made in the past. You feel trapped, lost, alone, most of all, you feel out of control. You start to worry that these feelings are affecting more things in your life; work, school, love lives, other friendships, just your overall emotions. You start to look at your life from the outside again, examining every single, minute thing about yourself. You look at the physical, the social, the psychological aspects of your entire life. You call into question all those things that happened ‘way back when’ and you start to feel tired. You start to feel like you can’t handle anything and one simple thing that is said could break you. You start breaking down, slowly at first. The walls come building up higher as you start to break down on the inside. Every fault you find with yourself turns into another enemy that you want to battle. It is like a waging war inside of you and you are losing, desperately.

But there is a shining ray of hope. Someone, by pure chance, that you meet. They talk to you for hours. They get to know you and they offer you advice. Every time they offer advice you turn around with a negative comment about yourself or an excuse to cover your butt. It is nowhere near healthy, but it is what you do. Someone brings it up to you, they ask you why you keep making excuses. You simply say “it is in my nature”. You finally ask the question you always dread to ask. What do people really think about you? Who do they see you as. You ask them to be honest, knowing that these answers could make you go crazy. You know they will probably still be nice about the way they say things, but you might be able to pick up on hints. Maybe you won’t, there is only one way to find out. That way is to ask. You take a deep breath, typing out the question. You do not really want to hear the answers, you are not sure you are ready for the responses.

You hit enter.

What happens next is what can only be concluded as to one of the most intense situations. Waiting to hear what the people you talk to have to say about you. Some question you as to why you ask. You reply that there isn’t really a reason, you are just wondering. You ensure that you will not be mad or upset with their answers. You say it will help you. You sit there, still waiting for the responses of those whom you have confided in. You have risked yourself to tell them things you have never told anyone. You stop blinking, the seconds tick by as your mind starts to race with thoughts. Of course, at this moment in your life they are all bad. They are all about how they are thinking of how to politely phrase that you are too needy or that you are too negative. You brace yourself for the answers as you see them starting to type. Of course, you asked everyone though the internet because you did not want to have that discussion. This was mainly because you are afraid of crying. You honestly hate crying, although, you know you do it a lot.

There is a crippling feeling as you continue to wait. Each second becomes more excruciating with your brain in overdrive. You finally see their responses coming through. The time that has elapsed, less than a minute. However, you already feel like you have lost yourself to this struggle. As the first response comes through you read it at record speed, having to read it over. You breath in a sigh of relief until a new wave of worry washes over you. You realize that you are still waiting on another response.