Sir Perfulus: Part One

Sir Perfulus: Part One
Sir Perfulus and the New Squire

Frankly put, my instructors didn’t know what to do with me. I stood at least a head shorter than the rest of my class, and although I was top of my class academically, I was far lacking athletically. Graduation was coming soon, and my class and I would be assigned the knights we would serve until we became knights ourselves. I was walking down the corridor towards swordplay practice, and dreading the following hour. A big lug named Gary always volunteered to be my practice sparring partner; the instructor tended to think it was him being nice to me, but really it was just Gary taking the chance to hit me with a blunt object during class instead of between classes. Suddenly, I heard voices mentioning my name behind a thick, oaken door. The door muffled much of what they were saying, but by carefully leaning against the door, I could make out almost every word. They were talking about me, big surprise there, and my post-graduation assignment.
“The kid’s a genius!” I heard my homeroom teacher object, “That would be a waste of his talents!”
I could feel a small flicker of pride beginning to glow in my chest.
“Talent. Singular. He’s good on paper, but he’s not exactly athletically inclined.”
My small flicker of pride was instantly doused, reminding me of my uncoordinated ineptness.
“The young man might be smart, but his magic theory is horrible. He has no gift in that field at all, so we can’t apprentice him to a wizard.” The old campus wizard croaked.
“If we assign him to an average knight, it’d be like sending him to die. He can barely lift a practice sword against a fellow student, yet alone a real sword against an ogre or troll!”
I winced as one of the swordplay instructor pointed out my obvious failings; swordplay had always been the bane of my existence. Another voice joined the conversation:
“But sending him to Sir Perfulus might just be worse than a death sentence.”
I stopped in my tracks; my heart skipped a beat. Sir Perfulus echoed in my mind as all hopes of knighthood drained from my being. I slowly stumbled away, the conversation on the other side of the door continued, but all I could hear was the sound of my own misery and the echoes of the dreaded name in my head. Turning down a deserted hallway, I leaned against a wall, and sunk to the ground. Sir Perfulus. It was common knowledge that none of his squires had ever reached knighthood, just the idea that they were even considering assigning me to Sir Perfulus was enough to send shiver down my spine. Here in the Squire Academy, students often referred to his squires as ‘tissues’, because he went through them as such.

I skipped swordplay practice that day; I already had enough on my mind, with the possibility of being assigned to a knight that had been knighted as joke. Not that many people had noticed my absence in class, only the instructor and Gary, who I’m sure was sorry of his missed chance to give me a few bruises.

<O>

I had been looking forward to graduation, but now that it was here, I was dreading it. Graduation was only hours away, and I was still praying I would not be assigned to Sir Perfulus. I had never really been much of one to pray, but I had gotten into the habit after the day I had overheard the teachers talking. I stood apart from my classmates, I had no friends amongst them, and I was happy to wallow in my misery alone. Just then, I heard footsteps, heavy footsteps, depart from the large group. A shadow loomed over me as I looked up to see Gary. I swallowed hard and screwed up what little courage I could muster. I looked him in the eye, which was not an easy feat for one of my stature. He stood about two feet taller than me, and about two feet wider as well.
“W-what do you want, Gary?” I said, trying to sound confident, and maybe a bit condescending; however, my voice cracked and a squeak snuck in amongst my words.
“Oh, don’t worry!” He smiled, which was not a pretty sight; “I’m not here to help you ‘practice’ today!” He slapped me on the back with such force it felt as though I’d been kicked by a horse.
“Then what are you here for?” I asked.
“I just wanted to offer you my… condolences…” His grin was somewhat unnerving, “You see, I heard you might become a tissue after graduation.” He let out a loud sound that I assumed was a laugh, “Better luck in the next life!” His heavy footsteps thumped loudly away as I stood there, silently simmering with rage. It was then and there that I made up my mind, I was resolute. No matter what knight I was assigned to, Sir Perfulus or otherwise, I would become a knight, become a hero, and surpass Gary once and for all.

<O>

I stood there on stage, an audience of parents, siblings, and grandparents before me. The headmaster was reading down a list of graduating students and the knights they would serve under. Gary was chosen to serve under Sir Galient, the lucky jerk. The headmaster continued down the list until he reached me, I took a deep breath, and looked at him with big eyes, silently pleading. The headmaster looked at me, looked back at the list, looked at me again, and looked back to the list. He hesitated for a moment before reading off the name of the knight I had been assigned to, almost as if for dramatic effect.
“And he is assigned to… Sir Perfulus.”
For a moment, the crowd let up multiple gasps of shock before quieting down to a dead silence. I struggled to keep a straight face as the headmaster read the rest of the list and dismissed us to rejoin our families. My family hadn’t come. I could feel the stares and pitying looks burning into the back of my head, but I didn’t need their pity, I would survive. I would surpass.

<O>
I still remember the first time I met Sir Perfulus, but then again, how could I forget? Apparently, he was unaware that he had been selected to have a squire at this year’s graduation, so it was up to me to find him. I was told the general area where I could locate him, but it took me over an hour to track him down. When I finally found him, he was in a local Café. I pushed open the door, it was easy to identify him, he was the only customer the staff was avoiding. As I walked up behind him, I could hear him muttering to himself, something about “repulsively awesome”, but I didn’t catch what. I tapped him on the shoulder; suddenly, he whirled around in his seat and stared at me. Surprised, I stepped back; he continued staring at me with an unnerving look on his face that was somewhat like a cross between an alligator and a baboon.
“Umm… hi.” I said.
He glared at me with a look of suspicion.
“And who might you be!?” he asked, narrowing his eyes as if he were interrogating me.
“I-I’m your new squire.”
“Well then!” He said, “This is a cause for celebration!”
“Celebration?” I asked, “Why?”
“Because it’s an anniversary! One to celebrate!”
“Anniversary of what?”
“You sure ask a lot of questions.”
“You don’t give very detailed answers.”
“Fair enough. It is an anniversary of squires, you are my 100th.”
“100th!? Seriously?! What happened to them all?!” I asked, completely flabbergasted.
“Enough talk!” He jumped up from his seat, “Let us leave this dreary place of petty waiters that are jealous of my awesome! Away!” He dashed out the door and down the street.
“Hey!” and employee yelled, “You haven’t paid your bill! Stupid dine-and-ditcher!!!”
I tried to slip out of the café unnoticed, but failed. A heavy hand landed on my shoulder.
“Are you with that guy?”
“No. Well… yeah… kinda…”
“Because we’ve got A LOT of dishes for you to become acquainted with.”
I sighed and rolled up my sleeves.

<O>

“We need a mission.”
… Was the first thing he said when we met up again. Not “Oh! Hi!” or, “Sorry for ditching you like that.” but “We need a mission.” I stared at his for a moment, utterly dumbfounded before deciding not to bring it up. I sighed.
“What kind of a mission?” I asked.
“I don’t know, but it needs to be epic.”
“How so?”
“Do you think I am God? That I have all the answers?” He asked me.
“Heh,” he laughed, “Not that I am not worthy of being so!”
I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t trying to be funny; he also didn’t appear to be intending to repent for that anytime soon.
“For an epic mission, we need an epic plan to get the epic mission. Pop quiz! Where are we going to make that epic plan to get that epic mission?” He stared at me intently waiting for an answer.
“Ummm…” I tried to clue him in on the fact that I had no idea what he wanted me to say.
“It’s where I live…” He hinted.
“Your home?”
“Wrong! My ‘Epic Abode’!”
“Does everything with you have to be epic?”
“Do you have to ask so many questions?”
“Do you have to answer a question with a question?”
“Yes. I do.” He stated, and we set off in the general direction of his ‘Epic Abode’.

<O>

His ‘Epic Abode’ was, in all reality, not all that epic. It was a small, two-room cottage with a thatched roof and a dirt floor. I followed him past the door, to the back and around to the front of the house again.
“Why did we just walk all the way around the house?” I asked.
“Because I’m pretty sure I buried a bomb some where over there,” he waved vaguely to his left, “so it’s just safer to walk all the way around. I don’t why you followed me though.” All the while he had been speaking he had been working on jimmying open the window, now that he was finished he proceeded to climb through.
“Why are you climbing through the window?” I inquired.
“Why are you so annoying?” He said, peering through the window at me.
“It’s a valid question, it’s almost as if you were breaking in to your own home.” The sudden realization came over me, that with Sir Perfulus, you could never be completely sure.
“This… is your house, isn’t it?”
“Bah, don’t be ridiculous. Of course this is my house. I crawl through the window because I booby-trapped the door and now I can’t remember how to disarm it.” He disappeared from the window, so I felt inclined to scramble through the window after him. I landed rather ungracefully; after going through the window headfirst, I hit the ground headfirst in a sort of clumsy somersault. All that doesn’t matter except for the fact that explains how I had come to be on my back when Sir Perfulus reentered the room.
“Is there something wrong with you? Did they send me another defective squire?” he asked.
“No, I’ve just never climbed through a window before.” I attempted to defend my dignity, though the attempt failed due my awkward sprawl on the floor. I sat up and winced, I would have a crick in my back for quite awhile.
“Well, you’ll have to get better at window climbing, because we will be doing a lot of it, and not all of it will be legal.” He stated.
“Wait, did you, a knight, just tell me that we will be doing illegal activities?”
“Maybe. But it’s all for the king! You see, sometimes he won’t give me permission to do the things I must. I must do those things anyway, even if the king doesn’t understand that it’s for his own good.” He explained. I had heard stories about Sir Perfulus, but I had never understood how a person could possibly be like that. I was starting to understand now, it was his logic. His logic was twisted, twisted beyond comprehension by us mere mortals.

He pulled out some paper and ink, sat down at a table and began scribbling furiously. There wasn’t a second chair, so I sat on the ground nearby. I guessed he was constructing our ‘epic plan’, and I was right.
“A-ha!” he stood up suddenly. A large ink spot now adorned his shirt, and the sides of his hands were blackened and wet.
“I have our epic plan, and now I shall brief you!”
“You mean your epic plan. I didn’t help with any of it.”
“Don’t interrupt. It leads people down bunny trails. Wait a moment! Is it bunny trails? Or is it rabbit trails? Ha! That reminds me of a story! One time I was chasing this rabbit through the woods…” he began rambling on, and on about this rabbit and how he chased it. The story just kept going, until I feared it had no end.
“… And when I cornered that rabbit, what a fierce battle we had! It leapt at me! I dodged to the right!” he began reenacting the battle with an imaginary rabbit.
“I managed to grab the little beast, but it escaped my grasp! The battle went on and on! We were evenly matched in every way! But then, one of its blows landed! It bit my finger straight to the bone! But that’s when it let up its guard, while it was distracted by trying to eat my finger, I drew out my knife, and I killed it!” He pantomimed killing the poor thing, and posed victoriously.
“See?” he said, showing me his finger, “I still have a scar where it bit me.” A thin white line ran along the side of his finger.
“I see.” I replied, not impressed. I had received worse scars from pieces of paper.
“Now what was it we were talking about?” he stood there, trying to remember.
I made an internal note to myself, ‘do not interrupt Sir Perfulus’.
“We were talking about the epic plan to get an epic mission.”
“Oh! Right! Well, now that I have explained the plan to you, let us begin to carry it out.”
“But…” I began, “You didn’t explain anything!”
“Why should I explain it? It’s your plan!” He said, exasperated, “Now go get my dress out of the closet, I think I have a spare dress for you, too.”
“Why will we need dresses?” I asked, thoroughly confused.
“To wear, of course! Where we’re going, we can’t exactly wear pants!”
This worried me, to say the least.

<O>

Next thing I knew, I was walking behind Sir Perfulus through town, the both of us in full drag. I at least was young enough that I could pass for a girl; for I hadn’t started shaving yet, but Sir Perfulus was sporting a beard he had refused to shave. We certainly made for an interesting sight. I could see people whispering and staring, a group of girls were giggling and pointing at us. I wanted curl up and die. We paraded ourselves all the way to the palace gates; Sir Perfulus tried to walk through, but a guard halted us.
“Excuse me sir, but I can’t allow you pass right now.”
Sir Perfulus put on a high falsetto that sounded nothing like a woman.
“What do you mean we can’t pass? We’re the Princess’s new maids!”
“You have a beard.” The guard pointed out.
“The King is an equal opportunity employer.” Sir Perfulus countered.
“Listen, Sir Perfulus,” the guard began, “You really need to stop trying to get past us dressed in drag; you don’t make a very convincing woman.”
“Your mom doesn’t make a very convincing woman.”
The guard sighed, “You know what? I don’t have the mental strength to deal with you again today, so just go past. Please.” He looked at me, “I pity you, kid.”
We walked past the guard at the gate, once inside, Sir Perfulus grinned at me.
“We totally had him fooled.”
I wanted to bang my head into a wall.

We snuck around the palace in a very obvious manner; Sir Perfulus was humming his own theme music. Most of the inhabitants and employees of the palace simply ignored us.
“You really need to try to be sneakier. I think those two people saw you!”
In all reality, they had seen me. At first they looked a bit startled and confused, but the moment they noticed Sir Perfulus, it all became clear and they continued to go about their business.
“Where exactly are we going?” I asked.
“Didn’t I say so earlier? We’re the Princess’s new maids!” He walked on without me.
“What is that supposed to mean?!” I picked up my skirts and jogged to catch up with him. Every now and then, when people walked by, he would yell out a random word and do something. After awhile, I caught on that these were code words, after a little while longer, I started to catch on to their meanings. For example, if he said “Chicken!” that meant ‘Duck’ as in, ‘Duck behind something’. If there was nothing to duck behind, he would say “Frog!” which meant ‘strike a pose and pretend to be a piece of art’. Once when a young couple of nobles rounded the corner ahead of us, he signaled to pretend to be art. When the young couple stopped and stared at us, Sir Perfulus said:
“Don’t mind us! We’re just a couple of statues!” and began to whistle. The maiden giggled, whispered something to the young lord, and they moved on laughing.
“Are we the best statues ever, or what?” Sir Perfulus asked.
I thought about replying ‘Or what’, but I decided not to say anything. Who would want to decorate their home with statues of two guys posing oddly in dresses?

“Here we are!” Sir Perfulus stated with triumph.
“But… this is the women’s wing of the palace.” I said, “Men aren’t allowed here!”
“Well, it’s a good thing we wore dresses then, right? If we can fool the guard at the gate, we can fool anyone!”
“The guard at the gate not only knew you were a man, but he knew who you were! We didn’t fool him, he let us pass!” I said, “Sneaking into the palace when you’re a knight is one thing, but sneaking into the women’s wing when you’re a man is another thing entirely! We could get in real trouble!”
“Bah, you worry to much!” He brushed off my warnings; “I sneak in here all the time!”
I could feel my jaw literally drop.
“Come on! Allons-y! Let’s go!” he started off down the hall at a brisk pace.
“B-but!” I stammered, picking up my skirts and hurrying after him. If I was going to be caught by palace guards wearing drag in the women’s wing, I’d rather have Sir Perfulus to explain the situation then have to explain it myself. We stopped out side an ornately carved door, it was mahogany carved with figures of dancing elves in woodland settings, adorable woodland animals being hunted by knights, and a palace ball in a grand ballroom, surrounded by twisting vines with flowers. There was a fourth scene on the door, but I couldn’t see what it was of because a large sign was taped to the door reading: ‘Princess Emeralda Grace’s Chambers~ KEEP OUT!!!!’ This foreboding message was made more foreboding by the jagged handwriting it consisted of, and the surrounding lightning bolts and skulls. Sir Perfulus leaned towards the door, and peered through the keyhole.
“Hey! We could get executed for doing that!” I half whispered, half yelled at him.
“Bah. No we won’t.” He continued his illegal activity. He began giving me a play by play of what was going on in her chambers.
“Okay! She’s… sitting at a table… she’s talking to the court wizard… weird. She’s wearing pants.”
“What’s so weird about that?” I asked sarcastically, “We’re two guys wearing dresses.”
“Good point, they’re talking about something… heh! The Princess looks like a guy.”
I sighed, and wondered what exactly he was trying to accomplish.
“Next to her, the court wizard looks like a girl!”
“The court wizard is a girl.” I said, using my knowledge of the royal court to correct him.
“Really? Huh. That’s weird. Wait! Wait! They’re… squealing… about… something!”
He stood up, whirled around, and grabbed my shoulders.
“The Wizard is going to kidnap the Princess!” he yelled as he shook me.
Suddenly, the Princess’s door flung open.
“What is going on out here!?” She yelled, glaring at us.
“Umm… hi.” Sir Perfulus said, caught awkwardly in the middle of shaking me while explaining that the Wizard was evil.
“Wait… Sir Perfulus? Ugh! I thought I got a restraining order against you!” she looked carefully at the two of us, “And… why are you wearing dresses?”
“Umm… bye.” Sir Perfulus said, he then turned, and ran away, stepping on my skirt and tripping me in the process. I sprawled on the cold tiles face down.
“Who are you supposed to be?” She crouched down next to me and asked.
“Umm… I’m his squire.”
“I see.” She smirked and almost started laughing.
Sir Perfulus ran back down the hall, grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder, and ran away again.
“What was that?” I heard the court wizard call from the room.
“Weird. That’s what.” The Princess called back.

As we rounded a corner, we ran into a large group of guards, who were kind enough to escort us to a holding cell in the dungeon. The iron door slammed shut with a rusty shriek.
“This is your fault.” Sir Perfulus blamed me.
“Don’t pin this on me! This was all your idea!”
“If I hadn’t had to go back to get you, we wouldn’t have been caught.”
“You were the on who stepped on my skirt and tripped me in the first place!”
“Well, maybe if your skirt hadn’t been under my foot.”
“Well maybe if you hadn’t made us were these stupid dresses!”
“Don’t blame the dresses! They never did anything to you! Besides, they were an essential part of the plan!”
“They were a hindrance that made us look like fools!”
“They-“ he began, only to be interrupted by the door shrieking open again.
The guard from the gate stood there for a moment with a sort of smirk on his face.
“The king will see you now.”

We followed him into a grand audience chamber where the king sat on a large throne and overall, looked very intimidating.
“Good afternoon, Sir Perfulus. You look very… lovely… today. I think purple is definitely your color.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty, Lady Spelloyal helped me pick it out.” Sir Perfulus replied.
The King grimaced for a moment, “I can tell.”
“Anyway,” he continued, “Let us get down to the point. Why were in the women’s wing of the palace wearing a dress?”
“Because the Wizard is going to kidnap the Princess!”
“Sir Perfulus, we’ve been over this. They’re going on a trip to Italy together. The Wizard is not going to kidnap my daughter. Not that I would mind if she was kidnapped, she needs to be saved by a dashing prince soon, or she’ll never be married.”
“But she is going to be kidnapped! And she won’t be saved by a prince, she’ll be saved by me!”
The King shuddered at the thought.
“Anyway,” the King said, looking at me, “Who is this young man you’ve dragged along with you this time? A common cross-dresser? An accomplice who also believes the Princess is in danger?”
Sir Perfulus started the say something, so I broke in before he could incriminate me any further.
“Oh no, Your Majesty!” I said, “I’m his squire! I didn’t want to do any of this!”
The King stared at us for a minute or two, before deciding what to do with us.
“Get them out of here. Perfulus, this is the fourth time this week. Don’t let there be a fifth time or I won’t be so lenient about it, also, don’t drag your squire into this when it undoubtedly happens again.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty!” we said, almost in unison, we turned to leave.
“Oh! And Sir Perfulus? Please put on some pants.” The King added as we walked through the door.

“Well, that went over better than usual.” Sir Perfulus told me.
“Is this a usual occurrence?” I asked.
“Unfortunately, yes. The King just doesn’t understand that I’m doing this for him and his family! If they won’t believe me, then I’ll just have to rescue her without their help or permission!”
I stared at him.
“I don’t think she needs to be saved. She’s just going on a trip with a friend.”
“That’s what the Wizard wants you to think!” he said, “The Wizard brainwashes people to think he-… she’s not evil! She’s gotten to you! Are you weak minded?! Am I the only one able to fight her hypnotic magic?!” He got louder with each word; a few of the guards escorting us home stared at him, some of them laughed.
“You may be laughing now, but you won’t be when I rule the world! Er- I mean, when I save the Princess!” he yelled at them; they were laughing louder now.

When we got back to his house, I wriggled out of the dress I had been wearing and back into some pants. How women wear those things, I’ll never understand. Sir Perfulus continued pacing around in his purple dress, looking very thoughtful.
“The King has forbidden me from trying to save the Princess, so I’ll need to be someone else when I do.”
“I hope you’ll have a better disguise than the dress.”
“Of course I will. I’m going to be a superhero.”
He walked into the other room of the cottage, and came back with a sheet.
“This will be my cape.”
He walked over to a chest, popped the latch, reached in, and pulled out a pot.
“This will be my helmet.”
“Wait… you’re going to be a superhero?” I asked
“Of course, I will be Perfulusman, and you can be my faithful companion, Squireboy.”
“Why do I have to be a superhero too?”
“Because if people saw you hanging out with Perfulusman, they might figure out that Perfulusman is really me!”
“Because they couldn’t figure out that Sir Perfulus is Perfulusman. Of course, makes perfect sense.” I said sarcastically.
“Exactly! That’s why I’m bothering to become a superhero in the first place!”
“So, do get a costume? Not a dress I hope.”
He reached into his chest, pulled out a scarf, and handed it to me.
“Wrap this around your head a few times and no one will know it’s you.”
I sighed, and hoped Sir Perfulus would change out of his dress soon. A plunging neckline is not all that flattering on a man.

<O>

Our first night out on patrol as superheroes was the worst. Sir Perfulus accused two men asking an old man for directions of attempting to mug the gentleman. In the end there was a fistfight, to say Sir Perfulus lost would be putting it mildly. Squires are required to live with their knights, so Sir Perfulus said I could sleep on his table with some spare blankets. It was uncomfortable, but I was exhausted from my first day of being a squire. In one day I had gotten ditched with Sir Perfulus’s bill, dressed in drag, been laughed at, snuck around the palace, yelled at by the Princess, arrested, met the King, become a superhero, and this was only the beginning? I wondered what kind of things my classmates had to do today, and created lists in my head of what squires were supposed to do until I fell asleep.

The next day I woke up at the crack of dawn, a habit I had formed while I was a student at the Squire Academy. Rolling off the table, I stretched, and began to ready myself for the day. I peeked into the other room; Sir Perfulus must be a restless sleeper because he was draped horizontally across his bed on his stomach. I closed the door carefully, who knows what would happen if I had happened to wake him, and set about practicing climbing in and out of the window. An hour or two later, I wasn’t any better at it, so I gave up. At least this time when I sprawled on the ground outside, I wasn’t wearing a dress. Sir Perfulus was still sound asleep, so I set off to town. Few people were stirring, and those that were happened to be the townspeople setting off to work. I wandered around for a while, getting to know the area. At the Academy, we rarely had spare time, and we hardly ever got to go to town, so this was a rare chance to walk around and see the sights without a dress on.

Town life was starting pick up, the sun was rising farther in the sky, and I realized that I should probably go back to see if Sir Perfulus was awake yet. I carefully climbed through the window, I still landed awkwardly, but at least I didn’t hurt myself. Suddenly, something hit me in the chest, pinning me to the ground, I suspected it was a foot.
“It’s really dark in here, and I can’t see who you are. Do I know you? Or are trying to break in?” Sir Perfulus asked.
“I-it’s me! Your squire!”
“Hmm… I don’t have a squire, do I? That’s right! I got a squire yesterday!”
He let me up.
“So? What were you doing up so early?” he asked.
“I always get up early.”
“I don’t care why you got up early, I want to know what you were doing.”
“Just walking around town.”
“I see. Anyhoo, I have a plan for our activities of the day compromised.”
“Comprised?” I corrected him.
“I know what I said, and I know what I meant.”
“So what are we doing today?”
“We’re breaking and entering. Prepare the cat suits!”
“What?! That’s illegal! Even for a knight! Just out of curiosity, what are we breaking and entering into?”
“The court Wizard’s tower. I’ll have to find our cat suits.”
“What? Cat suits?”
“Yes. Cat suits. We’re going to be cat burglars, remember?”
He opened his closet and pulled out a matching set of… cat costumes. He handed one to me, reached in, and pulled out two sets of cat ears.
“We can’t forget the ears!”

We circled around the tower, looking for an entrance, but there was none.
“Hmmm… we’re going to need a lion to get up there. Where can we get a lion?” he asked me, looking up at the window three stories above.
“There aren’t any lions nearby except for the King’s lion in the royal menagerie, but the King warned you to keep out of his hair for awhile. Other than that, the only place to get them is Africa.” I answered, “However, I don’t think a lion is the solution to this dilemma.”
“Oh really? I think lions are the solution to everything. What would you suggest?”
“A ladder.”
“Hmmm… I didn’t think of that,” he said, “Lions are certainly cooler though.”
Minutes later, we had stolen a ladder from a nearby farmer’s shed. Scampering up the ladder, I put my window climbing practice to good use as I tumbled through the window, and managed to do so without killing myself in the process. By the time I staggered to my feet, Sir Perfulus was already searching the room.
“What exactly are we looking for?” I asked.
“Clues. Whether or not the Wizard is truthfully just taking the Princess on a trip, or if she’s really planning to kidnap her.”
I hesitantly flipped through a few stacks of paper sitting on her desk, while Sir Perfulus shamelessly rifled through files, drawers, even her dresser, which proved to be full of nothing but robes and socks. After awhile, he walked over to me.
“I think we’ve searched just about everything, now, report your findings!”
“Well, I didn’t find anything incriminating.”
“Hmm… neither did I. I found several travel documents though. It might really be just a trip, unless she’ll kidnap her while on the trip!”
“I really don’t think she plans on kidnapping her.”
“I don’t care what you think. Unless of course, you agree with me.”
“But if I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.”
“Is English your first or second language? Because I think you just confused the word ‘wrong’ for the word ‘right’.”
I sighed, he was impossible to reason with.
“The Wizard should be back soon, we need to get out of here. You first.”
I did my best to carefully climb through the window onto the ladder without tipping it over. Once I reached the bottom, I looked up to see if Sir Perfulus was coming. I then watched in horror as Sir Perfulus jumped out of the window in a flying leap onto the top of the ladder. The ladder slowly leaned away from the side of the building, it’s speed increasing as it, and its passenger, fell towards the earth below. Thankfully, its descent was halted by a tree; I could hear multiple crashes and cracking sounds as the tree shed most of its leaves. Sir Perfulus fell out the tree not long after.
“Ow. Add that to my list of bad ideas. Actually, I’ve never had enough bad ideas to start a list. I should start a list.” He said, lying on his back with one hand gesturing in the air.
“We may not have any definite proof, but you know what we did find out?” He asked, without waiting for an answer, he continued, “We discovered where they’re going, how they’re getting there, I even found their dinner plans. We can easily follow them from a safe distance and keep an eye on things.”
“You’re really going to follow them? I thought the Princess had a restraining order against you.”
“She does, but she doesn’t have one against you, that’s what I’m bringing you along for. Besides, they don’t have to know we’re there, what the Princess doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
“You’re kind of creepy. I think you’re a stalker.”
“I am not a stalker! I’m doing my duty to my King!”
“Suuuuure. Creeper.”

<O>

The train was departing from the station; armed with only our bags, we broke the law by violating a restraining order, and disobeying a direct order from the King himself to behave ourselves. When I had become a squire, I hadn’t realized that breaking the law would become such a regular occurrence; there was almost something mundane about it now.
“So,” I asked, “What exactly did you pack in these bags?”
“Everything we’ll need, our cat suits, our superhero suits, my sword, and enough ramen to last us the trip, every single meal.”
“Oh joy. That’s a lot of ramen. Wait a minute, you have a sword?” I asked.
“Of course I have a sword! What kind of knight do you think I am?”
I had to resist telling him exactly what kind of a knight I though he was; I let out a heavy sigh.
“You sure sigh a lot.” He stated, “You must be depressed or something.”
“You think? I wonder why that is?” I asked sarcastically.
“I don’t know how anyone could be depressed in my company.”
I sighed once more, choosing not to respond to his reply, I gazed out the window.
The countryside sped by at an alarming rate; I had forgotten what it was like to be on a train, for I hadn’t been on a train since I had left home at a young age to attend the Squire Academy.
“Oh great.” I heard Sir Perfulus mutter, “Not him.”
I turned around in my seat to see whom he was talking about; right away I noticed my former classmate, Gary, and his knight, Sir Galient.
“Ugh. I hate that guy, the little glory-grabber.” Sir Perfulus grumbled.
I sank into my seat, hoping to avoid notice from Gary.
“Ummm… it’s getting late. Maybe we should think about dinner, should I go get us some?” I asked, in hopes of getting out of the train car.
“Meh, we don’t need dinner, we have ramen.” He replied.
“Then why don’t I get us some hot water?”
“It’s good to see you are beginning to see the merits of instant ramen. I shall permit this activity.”
I clambered out of the seat, wriggled past Sir Perfulus’s knees, and speed-walked out of the car before Gary could notice me. Still walking quickly, I glanced behind me to see if Gary was looking, and ran smack dab into someone.
“Oh! I’m sorry!” I gushed. The person I had run into was a young woman with a silk blouse and… pants. Oh great! I thought, I just ran into the Princess! A dark stain ran down her shirt from a glass of juice she had been carrying when I had walked into her.
“Oh, it’s okay…” she broke off when she looked up and saw me, “You’re… Sir Perfulus’s squire. What are you doing here?”
“Eh… Same thing you are, heh heh! Riding the train!” I gave a sheepish grin, “Sorry about your shirt.”
She stood up and assessed the damage.
“Oh… that’s okay, I have a dozen more like it. What difference does one with a stain make?”
I looked at the quality of the silk, the high level of craftsmanship put into the tailoring, the delicate stitching around the edges. What difference would one make?
“I assume that if you’re here, Sir Perfulus is nearby.” She looked at me with a look of sheer exasperation.
“Well… yeah. But he doesn’t intend to violate the restraining order again so soon! I guess that’s why he brought me, though I presume now you’ll be needing a restraining order against me too.”
“Naw, I don’t have anything against you, it isn’t your fault you’re stuck with that screwy guy. I used to be quite fond of him when I was little; until he got the notion that the Wizard was evil. After that, he became unbearable.”
“I can imagine, he’s pretty unbearable, and he isn’t even stalking me.”
“He isn’t stalking you, but you do have to spend all day with him anyway, you’re probably the worst off.” She sipped at what was left in her glass, “Why don’t you join me and the Wizard? I’m sure you could use a break from his nonsense.”
“Actually, that would be quite nice.” I replied; it would be nice to talk to someone who wasn’t a delusional egomaniac. I followed her over to where the Wizard was seated at a table, pouring over an ancient tome of some sort.
“Hey, check out who I ran into! Actually, you could say he ran into me, quite literally.”
“Amusing play on words, Emeralda.” The Wizard looked up from her dusty book at me, “Why, if it isn’t the cross-dresser himself. Where’s your dress?”
“Oh come on!” I interjected, “That was just a bad first impression.”
The Wizard smiled at me.
“And the cat suit?” she asked.
“How did you know about that?”
“You think I don’t have security in my tower? The cat ears were a nice touch.” She smiled evilly.
“What’s this about a cat suit? Ears? You didn’t tell me about this!” the Princess said, looking back and forth between the two of us.
“Please, let’s not talk about that.” I buried my face in the palm of my hand.
“Ha ha! Of course! I won’t bring it up again, at least not in your presence.” She gave me another evil grin.
“I still want to know what this is about a cat suit.” The Princess sat down and crossed her arms, pouting.
“Another time, Emeralda, when I won’t cause the subject of the story to die from embarrassment.” The Wizard reassured the Princess. The Princess gestured for me to join them at the table, so I did.
“So, how long has Sir Perfulus been a knight anyway?” I asked, “You mentioned knowing him when you were little.”
“He’s been a knight for almost as long as I’ve been alive, he was knighted as a joke at a party celebrating my birth. According to my father, you would’ve had to have been there to get it.” She explained, “He was almost like an uncle to me as a child, I thought he was hilarious. He was certainly a better uncle to me than my real uncle.”
“You have an uncle?” I asked; I had never heard of either the King or the Queen having a brother. The two ladies seated at the table with me gave each other a look, as if trying to decide how much I should know.
“My father’s younger brother, Sir Repticous. We don’t like to talk about him much.”
“Sir Repticous? I’ve never heard of him. I thought I knew who all the knights were.”
“If you’ve never heard of him, that’s a good thing.” The Wizard chimed in, “We’d like to keep it that way. The King only knighted him a few years ago to keep him quiet for awhile.”
“Hmm… I see.” I said. Keep him quiet, did the uncle want power? The Princess was first in line for the throne, so if Sir Repticous were anything like the evil uncles in fairy tales, maybe Sir Perfulus’s theory was not as far flung as I had assumed. I seriously doubted the Wizard was in league with any villains, but the Princess could be in danger after all.
“On a lighter note,” The Princess interrupted my thoughts, “How’s it been going with Sir Perfulus, the mighty slayer of rabbits?”
“So you’ve heard that story?” I grimaced.
“We all have.” The Wizard shut her book with a clap of dust.
“Well, it’s not been that bad. He’s certainly pulled me into several harebrained, not to mention illegal, schemes.
“Sounds just like him.” The Princess laughed.
The Wizard checked her watch.
“We should order dinner,” she looked at me, “Care to join us?”
“I’m flattered by the invitation, but I’m supposed to be getting hot water for our feast of ramen.” I sadly had to decline.
“Ramen. That sounds about right, he does love his ramen, perfect food for cheapskate like him.” The Princess sighed, “I guess there’s no helping it, you’d better go back before he notices how long you’ve been gone.”
“Yeah, sorry about your shirt.” I stood up to leave.
“Don’t worry about it.” She replied.
“Well I guess I’ll be seeing you around, if Sir Perfulus continues stalking you.”
“Probably, he really doesn’t mean any harm, but he is rather bothersome.”
“Bye, I’ve got to go get some hot water now.”
“Just ask an employee for some, they keep water hot for tea and such.” The Wizard informed me.
“Thanks, I’ll do that.” I turned and walked away in search of an employee. As the distance between me and the two ladies grew, I heard the wizard say “He’s still half-sane, even after a week.”

<O>

Sir Perfulus noisily slurped Asian noodles beside me, while I stared at my mug of rehydrated chicken stock and cheap Japanese pasta. I was wondering how Sir Perfulus managed to eat his dinner without any utensils, but looking at his dripping face as he shoved it into the top of his cup reminded me that common rules of dinning didn’t apply here. I carefully sipped at the broth, trying not to make a mess. The train began a slow, grinding halt.
“Last stop in France before Switzerland!” a call rang out, funneled into each car by a speaker system. After sitting in the car for about fifteen minutes, the trade of disembarking and embarking passengers ground to a halt, and the train began to slowly pick up speed again. One more day on the train and we would have crossed the Italian border. I watched the Swiss countryside speed by, mountains, fields, more mountains; it was nothing like what we had back home. I gulped down what was left in my cup and promptly fell asleep to the train’s rocking.

<O>

I was jostled awake as the train brakes shrieked at the passengers. The train stopped so suddenly that my head slammed into the back of the seat in front of me.
“Owww…” I groaned, rubbing my forehead.
“Mornin’, Sleeping Beauty.” Sir Perfulus looked at me sleepily.
“Are we there yet?” I looked out the window; it was hard to see the train station in the gloom of the pre-sunrise morning.
“Yeah, the Princess should be getting off at this stop.” He yawned.
We stood up, stretched, grabbed our bags off the racks above our heads, and worked our way through all the other stretching people towards the exit. I hopped across the gap between the end of the stairs and the platform, Sir Perfulus did the same. We set down our bags for a moment while Sir Perfulus stared at a map kiosk trying to figure out where to go from there, I looked down the line and noticed the Princess and the Wizard disembarking two cars down. I tried to wave, but they didn’t notice me. Maybe it was a bit on the creepy side, but I continued watching them out of boredom. They set down their bags, and stood there talking for a moment before the Wizard walked away quickly. As soon as the Wizard was out of sight, two men approached the Princess. I narrowed my eyes and paid close attention.
“Hey… Sir Perfulus, I think you should see this.” I grabbed his arm in an attempt to separate his attention from the map.
The two men were rather suspicious looking. One was big; he was bigger than anyone I had ever seen before. The other was short; he looked even more athletically inept than myself. The both of them were in black trench coats and fedoras, like they were straight out of a book about the mob and gangs.
“What is it I have to see?” Sir Perfulus was still staring at the map.
“Just look!” I started to panic.
The men were talking to her, the little man tried to grab her wrist, but she slapped him. Hard. The big man succeeded in grabbing her wrist. Suddenly a crowd of bystanders passed between me and the unfolding scene. Sir Perfulus finally turned around.
“Okay, what is it I need to see?”
“Over there! The Princess was just there! And there were these men! A huge one! And a little guy!” I tried to make him understand the situation.
“What are you trying to say, exactly?” He gave me a funny look.
“Over there!” I pointed, the group of people had finally moved, but the Princess and the men were nowhere to be seen.
“What am I looking at? I don’t see anything.”
“B-but! They were right there!”
Where could they have gone so quickly? The Wizard reentered the scene, she ran over to where their bags were, stopped, and looked around franticly. Her eyes flitted around the platform until they came to rest on Sir Perfulus. Storming over to Sir Perfulus, she confronted him as if he had somehow spirited away the princess himself.
“Alright, Sir Perfulus! What did you do this time?!”
“It was not my fault!” He said indignantly, “Wait… what happened?”
“The Princess is gone! I don’t know how, but I suspect that you somehow screwed this up! It’s always you who screws everything up!” She angrily gestured at him in such a manner that I was afraid she was about to cast a spell on him.
“The Princess is gone?!” His eyes widened with surprise, but soon narrowed with suspicion, “I knew it! I always knew you would kidnap the princess! What’d you do with her, foul villain!?”
“If I kidnapped her…” the wizard simmered for a moment, “WHY WOULD I BE ASKING YOU WHERE SHE WAS?!?!?!”
“Because you are feigning innocence! Kidnapper of royalty!!”
“Ugh! You are impossible!” the Wizard buried her face in her hands before looking up at me, “You! You are possible to talk to! Did you see anything?”
“Yes, there were these two men, a large one, and a small one.” I replied.
She grabbed my shoulders hysterically, “ What else? What did you see? Did you see anything else at all?!” She shook me to the point where I thought my I would get whiplash.
“I saw them walk up to the Princess as soon as you walked away, but then I lost sight of them.”
“And? What happened then?” She interrogated me.
“When I managed to get another good look, they were gone, and so was the Princess.”
“Oh dear lord! They found us! Even here!” The wizard began flipping out and burying her face in her hands again.
“Who found you? Just what’s going on?” I asked.
“We don’t know who, but for the past month, the royal family has been receiving threats from an unknown organization.” She sighed, “Only the King, the Queen, and I know. We didn’t want to worry Emeralda, so we didn’t tell her the real reason we came here.”
“And what’s the real reason?” I asked. Sir Perfulus was still muttering about ‘evil wizards’, so somebody had to ask intelligent questions.
“We needed to get her out of the country for awhile, so the King thought we could convince the Princess this was just like any other trip.”
“And now she’s been kidnapped.” I concluded.
“And now she’s been kidnapped.” the Wizard agreed.
“Should we tell the police?”
“We won’t be able to get help from local authorities here, they’re too corrupt around these parts. The only people we can rely on are the three of us, and maybe Sir Galient?”
“This sounds like a job for… PERFULUSMAN!!” Sir Perfulus ripped open his tunic to reveal the shirt he was wearing underneath.
“Dang. I forgot to put on my costume underneath.”
“The Princess is doomed.” The Wizard slapped her forehead in a miserable face-palm.