Behind the Smile

There is a part of my wardrobe that never wrinkles or dirties. It never tears or needs replacing, even though I've worn it over and over. Some days I wake up and know immediately that I will have to wear it. I don't wear it because of the rain or to keep me warm. I don't use it for anything other than to keep people away. A smile is my armor. If I'm smiling, then nothing appears to be wrong at first glance. Most people only give me a glance. Behind the smile, I'm usually sad and full of doubt. I feel like an outsider most days. I never fit in anywhere, not even with my real friends. Not even with my husband. So I smile. You can wear a smile even if you feel alone inside. No one questions that it doesn't reach your eyes. She's smiling so everything must be okay with her. She would look sad if she was sad. I suppose if I was normal, I could show the proper face with the proper emotion. I've learned that people ask questions when you frown though; questions I'm not prepared to answer honestly. How are you feeling? Inadequate. What's wrong? I feel like a loser. Why are you sad? I don't believe that people really love me. I always have an answer, but I'm not so sure anyone wants to hear it. So I smile.