Shopping Mall Invaders

If you have entered the Crosstown Mall lately, mostly in the early afternoon, you might have noticed, as I have, a very disturbing new trend.

Past the food court, the jewelry stores and the myriad of ladies clothing outlets, next to the cell-phone cover kiosk, you will see the source of the problem. Stores come and go in the mall, but this is the first time a store has attracted this new scourge of shoppers:

Old people.

Like mice in a maze searching for cheese, they all seem to find their way to the Healthy Senior Outlet. The manager at HSO is a spry 70ish lady named Helen who seems to delight in the fact that she is perkier and in better shape than the ache-laden teens across the hall at the GameStop.

She sells orthopedic shoes, socks and non-form-fitting pants and shirts for the active person who isn’t trying to dress-to-impress. The back wall is stock full of vitamins and nutritional supplements all designed to make them feel 60 again. She carries books, home fitness equipment and “walking sticks”. I call them “canes”.

Helen can easily spot her target market. She and her staff lure the grey-haired set into their store and, before they can say “senior discount”, she has them convinced that they too can feel younger, move faster, and amaze their doctors. She offers them free bottles of water and invites them to join their daily mall walkers club.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an enemy of capitalism. I certainly prefer ANY new store at the mall over what was there before; a bright yellow wall with bold letters saying “This Space Available”. I just don’t think we should be giving these people so much HOPE.

They are being led to believe that its possible for these geezers to be active. To have a social life. To get off their scooters and walk.

After all, these are the folks that wouldn't normally be at the mall. Most haven’t bought a new outfit in years. They got all the jewelry they need. They walk right past the Apple store and are probably too scared to peer inside the smut-filled Abercrombie & Fitch.

There is a reason that the malls restaurants are all scattered outside the mall with ample handicapped parking spots and liver & onion platters. Its to keep the “seniors” away from those of us who still appreciate a powdered sugar covered soft pretzel after trying on new running shoes over at The Finish Line.

Not hungry? The multiplex has a sweet deal for non-working pensioners every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. A movie and a popcorn & drink for $7. The seats are comfortable there; no risk of busting a hip.

Leave the Mall alone. "Wheel of Fortune" starts in an hour.