Why I do not like Soviet trains

I never felt any particular sympathy for trains. Not that I do not like to have a nice ride but those things that are called trains in my country can hardly be classified that way.

Especially when this perpetual lack of comfort is bound to the inconvenience created by the travelers who unwillingly accompany you on every trip. We have several types of trains each one worse than the rest. First off the diesel-powered suburb trains. They regularly travel short distances at very slow speed - mostly to the suburbs of the cities or between any farther points at the expense of your time. It takes six to seven hours to cover four and a half hundred kilometers. Not to mention it promises you the worst travelling conditions but for the lowest price. Burglars, retail traders, cheaters - scoundrels of every type feel themselves at home here. There are two rows of seats with a gangway between. The seats are paired facing each other so that four unfamiliar people sit brushing knees because it is very tight in-between. The luggage is placed upon the shelves or right under the seats with no control of its contents whatsoever. Stinky, dirty, greasing substances are not uncommon so you have to watch out for the sake of staying clean. The destination points of the diesel trains condition the character of discomfort you face there. Mostly they are tightly crowded both in winter and in summer which considering total absence of air-conditioning makes this unbearable. The pressure of hot sweaty bodies, bruises you get from the woven baskets, dense humid and stinky air unfit for breathing smothering you, people scolding and pushing each other - this all makes any trip by diesel trains a horrible perspective. Their close relatives - electric suburb trains differ just a tiny trifle - mostly by the ten percent increase in speed. So there is no point talking on them in particular.

Another type is the common diesel-powered train which is used for most travelling at the vast expanse of CIS (ex-Soviet Union). These come in several types worthy of your attention. The first one is the most luxurious one - the one-pair coupe. It is the most expensive and pretentious type of all our Railroad has to offer. With the exception of the solitude it basically has nothing else to offer. Besides this type is not used widely because couples are too infrequent to travel this way and the unfamiliar people do not wish to pay more when they still are to bear each other's presence. That is why they prefer another type - the two-pair coupe. It is far more popular in the terms of relative comfort and consolation. The coupe has two lower decks and two upper decks forming the cell separated from the corridor with a partition that has one sliding door. The typical ride starts with saying "hello" to the travel-mates and seating yourself on the lower couch which you will have to eventually leave and climb to the upper-deck in case you belong there. And once the passenger below is laying himself to rest you don't have a way to descend other than disturbing him. The lights and the annoyingly loud radio are controlled centrally and you cannot switch them off until the train attendant decides so. Thus you have to put up with three unfamiliar people - probably overnight (sometimes several days), with the musical tastes of the driver, with the dead shut windows and no ventilation. If you are a woman travelling with three unfamiliar men you are going to have a hard time undressing before sleep. Well, men who are not into exhibitionism would feel awkward too pulling of pants before the girl they do not know. Another thing commonly bad about all our trains is catering. Usually people eat what they take with themselves from home. And this is where troubles begin. Sometimes your fellow-travelers drink and offer you to join. Even if you refuse you are still stuck sober with three drunken men some of whom may become inadequate at such state. It is almost impossible to call the police from train - so you have to rely on your own ability to settle things. The catering car or the restaurant-car as we call it is not a must even for long -travel routes. So the feeding problem persists. Another mishap is the toilet and hygiene in general. Commonly the typical toilet is located in the both ends of the car. It has a steel crapper and a sink. The toilet-bowl (which is official and undeserved name for this particular device) is made of stainless steel with a plastic top seat which is dirty and merely impossible to sit upon. The flush frequently is out of water so after several predecessors here you had better hold breath. The sink has a trigger so if you want to wash hands and face you need to do it mostly with one hand because another will be engaged in triggering water flow. Soap in the dispenser is a rarity not to say it became liquid only recently - since after the World War Two until the twenty-first century the soap there (if any) was in a solid dirty piece. The railway-car service is usually one or two attendants per car who can offer you tea, cookies, beer, bed cloth and check your tickets. This is the ideal but reality proves that blankets are not always there and most of the services you will get are hot water. If you are still interested there is another type of railway car in the common diesel-powered train types. It is called the Platz-Karte(I am sure it originates from German language but has nothing in common with what Germans meant by that).To put it short the Platz-karte is the naked coupe where there is no partition and the corridor is squashed to the minimum by two extra seats on the opposite side. The width of the deck doesn't allow you to outstretch your legs without blocking the passage. This type is pure exhibitionist type - you share your intimacy with five neighbors and all random trespassers. And the rest of the trouble you already know of. Well, as for the means of communication and bringing people together that is a revelation but what if you are sociopathic or just do not take what you do not want? People who you wouldn't even come close by under different circumstances, why do you need to talk to them, smell the stench from their dirty socks, listen to their sleazy jokes, lay where you do not choose, sleep when you don't want? And this is what you paid for? Right now I am sitting in an outdated hand-me-down Austrian train which for some reason is classified by local Railroad as "business class". There isn't too much difference from the Soviet suburb diesel train except for the outlook and far less worn seats. And again I brush knees with people before me, this unwanted contact that disgusts me - not because I do not like touching or being touched but because I didn't choose so. Neither did I choose to look at the girl with heavy makeup chewing something repulsively smelling and sipping it down with some fizz drink. Do I want to hear of the private matters of a guy in front of me? Hardly. But that is not an option. And this is going to last. Again these four hours and four and a half hundred kilometers. Man I am living in the Stone Age! Well, to bring a little justice to my description I must tell about one more type of a railway car - a passenger car. It has two rows of real airplane seats - soft and cozy - so were it not for the same four hours I would have loved it. Alas. But do not think that I complain - I don't like automobiles too much either. What I am looking forward to is the glorious future of my country when I will board a four-man flyer with my soulmate and two kids and fly away for good. Far from this planet somewhere safe and beautiful where people love each other, care for each other’s good... and where there will be no more trains.