A Cherry Sunset

My fingers trembled as I gripped the sides of the sink, staring down at the blood that was now being washed away by the water that was swirling around and around and around the sink, and down the drain. I felt sick, and tired.

Scratch that, I knew nothing of how I felt. Physically, I felt my arms and thighs burning. My chest felt like it was about to explode; my heart was beating hard in slow, sharp beats as if I had a nuclear bomb exploding in my small chest. My lungs were aching, making me realise I've been hyperventilating.

Emotionally, I was a wreck. What I felt was loneliness; cold, bitter, sad loneliness. It was just this feeling inside, emptiness.

An emptiness nobody could fill up. My heart was breaking, everything hurt. It is like what they describe in all those depression leaflets and information websites, but it's worse than you can imagine.

Here I am, in a deep hole, with perfectly smooth walls slick with oil and the floor covered in superglue. Every time I try to climb up, which I do constantly, no matter how far up I get, I fall back down, and suddenly the superglue ground is covered in spikes and claws and slabs of concrete. These voices in my head controlling me, feeding off my misery and madness. These demons clinging onto me, not letting go, ever.

Sleep used to bring me comfort and escape from this messed up place. I could feel nothing at all and be unaware of everything. Not anymore, not since these nightmares and flashbacks started haunting my dreams As well as my conscious mind.

There was no end, no break. No time-outs.

I wish I could give up, everything feels pointless. But I can't. I'm too terrified, something is stopping me. I want to feel nothing. But in reality, I just want to be happy.

And how will ending everything make me happy if there is nothing after death? I won't feel better, I won't be there anymore.

Now, imagine doing everything as usual, trying so hard not to show that something is wrong, with this going on inside you.

It feels like dying, maybe worse.

I never thought someone could feel exactly like me. I never thought I'd meet someone who was so much like me, yet so breathtakingly perfect and amazing.

Someone worth putting up with all this shit and piss and vomit for.

Someone worth a smile, effort, my heart.

Someone who could make me feel beautiful.