Career In Divorce

999 words

“I can’t believe that you missed court today.” Molly shook her head. I sat in the chair across from her and rolled my eyes, it wasn’t as if I had intended to miss court but the sexy Swedish man who had been giving me a massage was just too yummy to pass up, especially when his shorts fell to the ground. “Please tell me it wasn’t because you were getting a manicure again, Judy for the love of God , don’t let it be another manicure.”

“I get one little manicure and forget about court one time and I never hear the end of it. I’ll put your mind at ease, I was not getting my nails done this time but there was a man and there was definitely a cure.” I winked at my friend, whose face contorted into a mask of horror. “Please Missy, like you’ve never had sex with a Swedish masseuse who was young enough to be your son. And who was hung--”

“Enough!” Molly yelled. The thing about Molly is that she doesn’t like dirty talk in public, she says it makes one look cheap and classless. Personally I think that she doesn’t like the dirty talk because she and her husband had quit having sex. “You can’t keep acting like this, Mr. Man is worth north of a billion dollars and if you keep skipping court, you may end up with nothing.”

“Will you quit worrying, I have been through, what like 10 divorces, and I know what to do to get my settlement. Plus court dates are just suggestions like not committing murder and paying your taxes. If you have enough money, then you can do whatever you like.” I felt a hand on my shoulder, and was pleasantly surprised to see my lawyer, and the third member of our little group, Kevin. “Well hello handsome, how was court this morning?”

“Why weren’t you in court this morning?” He looked over me, as if he were accessing what reasons I might have for not attending the hours long nap known as court. “You didn’t get your hair done; I’ve seen you in that dress before so I know that you haven’t been bothering Jason Wu again, but you are glowing. Jesus good Lord, did you get a facial again?”

“Not the kind that you are thinking about.” Molly answered, her face turning bright red as she said it. Both of my friends looked at me with looks of bewilderment and anger. Kevin was upset because he was afraid of not getting paid if for some reason I didn’t get a settlement from this divorce. “She was with a Swedish masseuse. I didn’t get all the details and I’m sure I don’t want them.”

“No one needs to know about the details of someone else’s sex life.” It amazed me that Kevin was gay, he was so prudish, he never wanted to talk about the fun stuff. “Judy this is serious though. Mr. Man’s lawyers filed a motion to dismiss your claims that you are entitled to any of his money.”

“He simply cannot do that, I’ve been married to him for 20 years now, I am entitled to his money. Really it’s our money because my magazine was folded into the media department of his company.”

“3 years. You’ve been married to him for 3 years.” Kevin corrected me. Like it mattered the length of time that I was married to the man. He knew going into the marriage that the only reason I gave him the time of day was because of the size of his bank account. “I argued that there was a prenup in place but there is the clause that says you don’t get a pay out if you are married for less than 5 years.”

“Well that simply is not true, and even if it is there is an infidelity clause that says he has to pay me hundreds of millions of dollars to keep my mouth shut.” I snapped my fingers and my driver rushed forward, handing me my attaché case. I pulled out the manila folder that contained the legal contract that I had insisted on signing with my future ex-husband. I handed the paperwork to Kevin, who briefly looked it over. “See I deserve all of the money that I have coming to me, all of this talk is really stressing me out. I think I need a cocktail or something.”

“Judy, all this proves is that there is a prenup in place. That was never called into question, but if we can’t prove that he was unfaithful to you then you won’t get anything. The judge won’t just take your word for it; we need proof of him cheating.”

“What kind of proof? I mean it’s not as if there is a video of him going at it with some other woman, like there was with that teen mom and the porn star.” Molly clasped her hands together. Worry was written across her face, if I told her once, I told her a million times there was a plastic surgeon just waiting to get a hold of her face. “Instead of going too far with your masseuse, you should have been in court this morning. Now you are going to end up empty handed.”

“Obviously you have not learned the fine art of divorce. There is no way I would have filed for divorce, without knowing for sure that I would get all the money that is due to me,” I waved my hand in the air signaling to the waiter that I wanted something. Then I pulled out another folder and let the pictures inside fall onto the table. “I’ve never been happier to be cheated on.”

The waiter brought over a bottle of Dom Perignon and filled three flutes with the bubbly liquid. After he left I lifted my glass, “Here’s to divorce, and all the money associated with it!”