But Beauty Fades

But Beauty Fades

By CMS Zama



                                                                     1

         “Clair I can't believe you, complaining that you couldn't get your dress done on time and blah blah it wouldn't turn out so well. “ - said Donna. Before Claire could answer, Rose, interjected, a smile on her face , ever so politely.

         “She is such a drama queen.”  They all laughed. There was a little more talking before they went back into the hall where everybody was. The music was blurring. Clair stopped for a while at the bathroom door and reflected on what Donna said. She had a reputation to keep, but Donna was right she had been a bit melodramatic. And then, a naughty, but somehow justifiable thought came into her head. Even if it had been late, how bad could it be, really. She was afterall the reigning Miss Glassville. Everybody knew. All she had to do now was make sure by the time her reign was over, Lester had made a genuine commitment to her. He was so full of himself, she thought,  giggling.

         Then an impulse took her. Not an unsually one, but she always took great pleasure in. She went back to the mirror and looked at herself. In her matric gown she was in her full glory, looking better than ever. She laughed at herself, thinking that , being she chose it, it was a great dress. She had taste after all, and she was right she did. And it worked for her. It was as though the dress , was a frame to a portrait of a beauty. She turned her face to the left , then to the right to look at her profile. Then she just gazed at it, and experienced the secret of beautiful people, the secret in feeling beautiful. You do not tell yourself you do. You simply look.

         And she did. And the impression her own face made on her. The sense of looking at something worth looking at, something inspiring almost overcame her. And that , the feeling she carried with her all through life , even when she had not deserved by a long shot to be looked at something inspiring, fell upon her once more. Reinforcing itself, and depriving any of any clue , here, now and perhaps, forever , of any sense of guilt on her part. Guilt , compromises ones' sense of beautifulness , the ugly deed makes them feel uglier and a certain shyness , perhaps, bitter, perhaps resentful, at being inspected with the possibility of not being complement, seen in a good light and instead being seen for what one has done come over the person. And any keen on suspicion may pick up on it. But not the beautiful ones. They look forever good inside, because the feeling has washed over them from the outside, and so their guilt is forever shrouded. That is a secret only they know, for it cannot be told, but experienced.



         As she was about to leave the bathroom, Lester came, in his usual, hurried way. She turned back from the mirror to meet his look. “Claire, where have you been? Donna and Rose are proposing a toast, and nobody knows where you are.” - his voice was a bit  loud and angry. He seemed to be doing all he could to hold himself. This part of him always fascinated Clair. Men, she would think. Sometimes they did not appreciate what they had.

         “Nowhere. I was here all the time. “

         Lester, suddenly lost all his impatience. She was so beautiful. Who could find fault with her. And clever as well. The after thought made him laugh for some reason. “Clair, come on he “ - he said, giggling himself, to which Claire responded with her own giggle and hand in hand they went off to their, friends.

         The ball was successful all things said and done. Lester got drunk and acted up a bit, reminding everybody that he was second team captain and he was the likeliest to succeed in life. His friends, seemed to take it without much challenge. This pleased and disgusted Claire, all at the same time. She loved the guy, but he was definitely “unsual”.

         She had worked so hard for him. The coldness, watching all the other girls throwing themselves at him. Didn't they know a boy like that needs to be realled in and put in his place. The first date after the match. He had been man of the match for crying out load. But she kept her cool. Let him start every move, but never finish it. Heck, it worked. He was hers now. Beauty and the beast. A handsome beast, at that. That was her thinking as they were walking back home from the ball. They lived a two blocks from each other, so Lester often walked her home, and it was a cool night, matric ball, the moon out. It seemed romantic to her , so she got Lester to do it. In his state it wouldn't have been the first thing on his mind. He agreed, though, as usual. He agreed to most things she asked . Other girls would envy that, but , it was a bit much sometimes.

         In any case, as they were walking home, her mind was suddenly filled with images of Gathaca. A sci-fi movie that she had seen with Lester, cause he insisted on it ( begged really ) , cause one his  friends

has seen it and thought it was “so cool”. She enjoyed it in the end. Much to her surprise. There was the part where the Chief Director was murdered, and the genetic evidence pointed to the main character , ? ,  was the suspect. He went home in panic to tell his co-conspirator, the handsome Olympic Swimming Champion that the gig was up and they should quit. And the ex-Olympic swimmer, apparently a genius, and she agreed, said : “Don't worry about it. They will never believe that a degeenerate would be one of their elite. When they look at you they do not see you anymore, they see me.”  And indeed the guy went back, she remembered with excitement, the same excitement she felt watching the movie, the same excitement every geek felt watching Star Wars and hearing Darth Vader say :”Luke , I am your father”, or Schwazenegger, saying “I'll be back”. The mission succeeded. The guy's picture was plasted all over the wall and he walked in and out of the building as if nothing had happened. There were a couple of people who knew, like the doctor, and the co-director, but that was it. The rest just believed he was the Olympic swimmer. Looks,ha.

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2

         The CEO announced with more fevor than usual that Lester's idea was the best.  Eighteen hours a day for six months. How his little wife would be pleased. The image of that final disappointment which always accompnied her pleasure, it was pleasure, no doubt about it.  Lester suddenly had to propose a toast to his buddies:

         “What did Oscar Wilde say” - he laughed a drunken laugh. “I have nothing to declare but my genius”. There was uproar amongst his friends. Peter loosed his tie a bit, then laughed along with the gang. It wasn't that it couldn't come naturally. Just, for all his talents, it was Lester.

         Lester, thought of his little wife again. She was now a lecture at, what did they call it, a “world class” university. She was so pretty. She wanted to be a professor. Clair she was such a dreamer.

         For some reason he remebered nine years ago talking to Clair outside the matrice ball bathroom. He had beaten them. Taken the belle of the ball. It had all come together in the end. The car , the wife, the house. Who could doubt him now. He must enjoy this, he thought.

         The get together lasted until midnight. They was talk of going to a strip club. Not completely unusual.What was unusual was Lester's reluctance.He was thinking he did not want any guilt to mar today's victory. He would go to his wife at 9. Well, maybe that was too early, say 11. In any case, he would go to her with a free conscience and enjoy what he has. Like in the beginning.



         Clair was sitting at home all this time watching television. It was true what they used to say in these American movies.. “150 channels and nothing to watch..” Of  course, she didn't quite have 150 channels. Man, where was Lester. It annoyed her that she was still surprised when he came back home late. It had become progressively worse over the last few years. At the beginning it was understandable. He needed to set himself up. Build his career just like she was or had been trying to do. I mean, this was one of the things that attracted her to him. His ambition. Lester knew what he wanted and went for it. It's just that it seemed like  Clair pictured less and less in it.

         She took some ice cream from the fridge, then decided on a glass of Chadnee,instead. Drank it and went to sleep right on the couch.

         Lester came home eventually  He saw her on the couch, lying there all peaceful and quite. She was no long the vivaciuos little vixen, full of energy that he married, but her beauty was still undeniable. He moved toward her to touch her, maybe wake her up, but he couldn't. He wasn't sure whether it was because he did not want to disturb her , or himself. He must be drunk he thought. So he went to the bedroom and left her in peace.

         

                                                                     3



         As she drove to the varsity the next she stop at Brian Bake to get herself a pie. They made nice pies and she felt like one. As she was paying for it, she saw,  Stan. He was one of his students. Obviously bright, one of only two males in her class. He was with this girl again. She was an art student, if she remembered correctly. The girl had good bone structure, but she seemed to Claire, to be fighting for dear life to stay plain Jane. That's what she would call her from now on, plain Jane. She payed for her pie, got in A class and drove off to the varsity.She left Stan behind laughing with his girlfriend. She actually was his girlfriend. They had just met, two months back. She appealed to Stan. She was simple and down to earth.

         A couple of hours later Claire, Stan , Laurence and Precious and Phoebe were sitting togethe in Claire's third year class. It was in the middle of the class and everybody was focused. The Claire said :

         “Let's look at plain Jane “. She paused. Laurance who knew who Jane was turned and looked at Stan, who was turning red. After a quick glance Claire continued. She noticed she had hit a nerve. Not exactly sure why, but hoping it was because someone here had a plain acquintance.

         “Plain Jane has started her new marketing job. She is in charge of branding , increasing the positive response to the name of her company. Jane's own plainess increases and decreases according to the brand. Given a probablilty of .5  that the effects of each promotion increase positive response by 1 and .5 that they decrease it by 1. What are the odds that Jane has an ounce of sophistication after 10 promotions ?'

         She turned back from the blackboard and looked at the class. Laurance who was noticing Stanley's discomfort said : “ Mam, you do know, Stanley's girlfriend's name is Jane?” Claire could bearly hold herself from grinning, said : “Oh, sorry Compton-James, I wasn't aware of that.We'll call her plain Mary, then.”          The class continued without further incident, except perhaps, Mr Compton-Jame's apparent inability to concentrate.

         After the class, Stanley met Jane outside the lecture theater, somewhat embarrassed, especially when Mrs Jones walked past. They went of to the “Student Union” as they had planned. Jane noticed Stan was a bit awkward and asked him why. Stan told him the story and much to his surprise Jane did not seem that surprized.

         “Probably just conincidence “, she said. Awkward herself for a second, but then changing the subject to their studing together that night. It seemed to ease Stan's mind.



                   _______________________________________________



                                                                     4



         Claire went home that night to find that Lester had purchased little gold ankle bracelet for her. She was excited by the gift. And in spite of herself, found herself thinking. “Take that plain Jane.” She remembered her husband and thanked him for it. “Let's take it to the bedroom and put it on” - said Lester. Claire was a bit taken aback by this. It had been two months since he had touched her that way. For a moment she forgot plain Jane went into the bedroom with her husband who tried to lift her up, but the years were beginning to show. He wasn't the athlete he used to be.

         They got to the bedroom and tried to fit the bracelet. It didn't fit.  Claire suddenly remembered the maid had found a piece of paper she thought had a number on it. Lester, at first didn't quite know what was going on. She couldn't be picking a fight. They were  laughing and enjoying  themselves just now. But it had become something of a habit with Claire, these days.

         “I met an old friend”, Lester said, coming out of his shock. Claire didn't seem to want to believe this. She stormed out the room, went straight to the fridge picked up the ice cream bowl and sat on the couch crying. Lester did not follow her.

         The following day, she went to the office as usual. Gave her second and third year lectures, as usual. The only difference was that Stanley had to come to her office to consult on moment generating functions since he seemed not to understand them. Well they both seemed to think so.

         “Lester, I'm surprised at you!” - she said.

         “Who's Lester?” - Stanley  said.

         “Oh, sorry, I meant Stanley . That is your name, right? I'm so used to calling you by your surname“.

         “Yes, mam. It is.” “Didn't seem to confuse you yesterday. “ Stanley thought to himself, but left it at that.

         “Ok, moment generating functions. That's why we are here. What can't you understand about them?”

         Lester, shuffled in his seat for two seconds.Pulled out his notes and pointed out the last problem he could not solve. The consultation went smoothly and after it was finished Claire said. “Compton-James, can you do me a favor?” There was a bit too much emphasis on “Compton-James”, but Stanley ignored it.

         “What's that mam?” said Stanley, somewhat surprizedby his own eagerness. There was a smile on Claire's face. “ Could you get me these, from the store? I have to stay here and finish some work, especially since I had to see you.”

         Stanley looked coyly to the ground then said.”Ok”. Claire gave her a hand written list of  household goods and some money, and Stanley went off, shoving the mone in his pocket and holding the list in the other hand and reading it.  It went :

         2 ? of thick cheese

         1 packet Lux

         2 packets of long cigarettes

         1 quart of MILF



         “What, tha?” thought Stanley. He was sure it was just a mistake, but his girlfriend had just told him what a Freudian slip was, and only made matters worse. She could have been talking to her husband, but what would he have to do with it?  All the boy could think of was rushing to the store and getting this over and done with before his imagination ran away with him.

         He did just that. When he got back to Claire's office, he was sure her hair had been tied up as usual. But that was probably his imagination. He left the stuff with Claire and made to leave; but just as he was going out the door Claire said :”We'll continue thios tomorrow. Mr James, oh , I mean Stanley”. In spite of himself, one part of Stanley was pleased. He decided he had to find Jane, there and then.



                                                           5



         Stanely and Jane were sitting a a restuarent ten years later. This older woman walked in by herself, and Stanley reckongized her immediately. How could he not. She was the woman who almost destroyed his life. She got him expelled from university for sexual harrassment. He made it in the end, but it wasn't easy.

         He pointed her out to Jane, who looked at her as with a fierce disdain which almost scared Stanely, but then they looked at each other smiled and went on with their dinner.