Sunshine And Lollipops

What can I say of how it was?  It's hard to say since it just was and ultimately meant nothing.  You look at me as if expecting me to say something profound, something predictable to whatever you clearly expected of the moment.

But I find I have nothing to say, it meant nothing to me while it meant everything to you.  Do I lie to you and say it was wonderful?  Do I tell you the truth and say it meant nothing, that I felt nothing?



All I know is that I am still alive and for that I can't apologise.



Still you look at me, your eyes displaying more pleasure than I feel.  How long must I wait until I know there is something wrong?  Is there something wrong with me?  Or am I feeling the way my heart feels?

Please stop looking at me like this, like that, like you expect me to say something that I don't feel.

From the corner of my eyes I can see that it's a sunny day, sunshine and lollipops like my mum would say.  Have the hours passed by that fast?  I must have lost track of time when I switched off within and felt nothing, nor desired to.



Yet I am still alive and I can't apologise.



You try to engage me in banter, it's clear that you don't feel what I feel.  For you this was special, wonderful.  For me it was just another day, another job.

I feel nothing for you, nothing for this job.  Yet I need the money due to the way my gender is seen and regarded, as if we're still inferior to you, still nothing but property.

So I switch myself off whenever I'm with anyone while on the job, be it day or night, I switch off so that I don't feel the increasing shame within me.  I hate that I feel this shame.



Yet I am still alive and I can't apologise.



The money owed is paid and I say goodbye in a half hearted way, you still look at me as if you expect me to be happy.  I feel only revulsion now, at myself.  I hate this job, I hate my life.  I hate what I'm forced to do because of the lack of options I have.

I head home and as soon as I am alone I collapse in tears, then spend an hour in the shower sobbing and trying to wash away all traces of my job for another day.



Yet I am still alive and I can't apologise.



I feel so numb, so cold despite the beautiful day.  Sunshine and lollipops, mum, that's what you told me.  Sunshine and lollipops.

I look down at the gun in my hand and wonder if today is the day I can pull the trigger.  If today is the day when the numbness will end and I can be free of this hell.

Can I be free?  Can I feel even the freedom?  Only one way to find out.



Yet I am still alive and I can't apologise.