Dairy of jade

Dear Diary,


I'm not sure what exactly happened to trigger all the bad luck in my life but I thought I'd write it all down so someday somebody would learn from the things I've done and not make the same choices. I have always been confused at why I do the things I do. Sometimes things just happen and I wonder why they happen to me.
Lets start at the drama on my 13th birthday. A friend of my parents decided he wanted to take my family drama and use it for his advantage. While my parents fought he convinced me it would be ok for me to drink and get high in the back of the house. Personally, back then and no I will not give a year but know it was somewhere in the late 80's early 90's, kids didnt do to much of all the drugs and drinking like that. We wanted to sing and dance and hang out at the park with friends. This guy was note only very convincing but damn cute but off limits because he was 26. In my mind he was a grown-up. Thats how I treated the situation. I knew nothing about boyfriends only writing and music.
When approached about the drinking and smoking I said no right away but he was a smooth and fast talker. I couldnt keep up with all he was saying but he ensured me it would be just to take the stress away and make me not hear what my parents were fighting about. After a couple of swigs of pepermint snapps and a couple of hits of weed I really couldnt hear what they were yelling about. Everything was numb and thats how I learned how to be numb. Over time my parents fought more and more and we were made to stay with this family friend alot. I started talking to him about what I was going threw as far as school and mind and soul. I told him things only a mother should know about her daughter. Since mine own mother had no time for me I had no choice. Until one day things got crazy at home and we had to leave with the friend. We were told to get something to eat and just drive. At nine at night. Before I knew it we were parked with my siblings in the back sleep at an abandon house on the side of the highway. Talking at first but things got to be too much when he walked my outside to the building and began to kiss me from the top of my head to between my thighs. Now I dont know about no other women but had I been older it would have been right. It was a rainy spring night and it was my first time. As an adult now I see the wrong in it but as a child that wasnt taught much on the subject. I thought by how it was feeling I finally felt love. I thought this is what love must feel like. I didnt fight or scream or cry or not want it. I was unsure about everything. He promised me the world and more. Every chance we got he showed me what I thought love was. He even put money in my pocket. He schooled me on what real men suppose to do with and for their women. The only problem was I wasnt yet a woman. I was still a little confused girl wanting to know what was going on and why nobody else but this grown ass man was willing to tell me. I decided one night when it was quiet to tell my mother what was going on. After she promised not to hurt him or get upset. Yes I had offically lost my damn mind.
My mother being who she was listened and asked questions then told me to go to bed. The next day when I woke up he called and questioned how could I be so stupid. Said he was leaving the state and I should go with him. I opted not to of course but then I had to face the music when daddy found out. This had seem to be the trend for me all my life. My mother really never had time to really explain anything to me. Even when I started get a warm and jumping sensation when I would see a beautiful woman. It was against everything she believed in so when I decided to try a woman I kept it to myself. OMG! I dont know what I waited for. I enjoyed every sweaty waking minute of it. Didnt want it to end. Still I was alone and had to keep everything secrect. I dated men in the light and women in the dark. This double life kept me alone even in their presence. I fell in love with a woman while I was with my childrens father. It hurt every time I had to leave her to get back to my other life. Eventuall y she couldnt take it no more and couldnt continue on with me. So a lesson learned I left him and decided to slowly come away from that dark cold closet door.