Jadie the Clown

Jade was sunbathing in the backyard when Judith arrived. Judith had a bad habit of keeping her clients uninformed until the last possible moment, but today was literally going to take the cake. Judith was dressed in her typical no-nonsense attire: a long sleeved satin blouse with a high neck, a hobble skirt worn loosely as a pencil skirt (she liked to wear a vaguely bondage-esque style to make her look strict), cream hose and high heels. After entering the side gate unannounced, she made a beeline for Jade.

"Jade! There you are. Hurry up, dear, we haven't much time before the party."

"What party?" asked Jade.

"Oh, dear. Didn't I tell you? Well nevermind, I've done all the prep work already. What would you do without me? Here, dearie, go put this on."

Judith handed Jade a parcel and pushed her towards the room in the back which her clients often used for changing. Before Jade could ask any more questions, Judith had already set off back towards her car to grab more supplies. As Jade stepped into the room she opened the package to find a most unexpected ensemble. It was the most colorful dress she had ever seen, complete with a rainbow wig, matching bow tie, stockings and a pair of striped heels. She'd look like a clown in this, thought Jade. Trusting her agent, as she had so many times before, Jade dutifully changed into the provided outfit, and stepped outside. In the yard, there was now a neon green kiddie pool slowly being filled with water. On the table beside it, were nearly a dozen cream pies, a carton of a dozen eggs, a large sheet cake and a small bag of prank items.

"Oh, look at you!" Exclaimed Judith. "The kids are going to love you."

"Kids?"

"Didn't I say? We are hosting a birthday party today. I know birthday party clown isn't a role that you are accustomed to, Jade dear, but you're so talented I'm sure you will do just fine. Besides, it's a favor for my nephew, and who could say no to that face? Now, come over here, dear, and let me do your face before they arrive. Can't have the little darlings seen Jadie the clown out of her makeup, can we? That'd spoil the magic."

Wanting to protest, but not knowing where to start, Jade dumbly sat down in front of Judith and let her finish her clown transformation.

"Here, dear. Read this. It's a script the office found that somehow involves all of this." Judith said, indicating the pies. "I haven't read it, but the office assures me it's hilarious, and you're so good at cold readings that I'm sure you'll make it work."

Jade glanced over the script while Judith applied her makeup and glued a small red clown nose over Jade's. No sooner had she finished setting her makeup than the guests started streaming into the yard. Handing her a set of juggling balls, Judith told Jade to entertain the kids while she spoke with her sister for a moment. Jade was not an adept juggler, though she did her best while the children looked on with mild interest. They pointed at her and laughed when she failed, but with burning cheeks she soldiered on and attempted any random trick she could think of. The last of the guests had arrived, and mostly taken their seats, when a chant started to rise from the crowd.

"Clown show. Clown show. Clown show!"

Silently cursing Judith, Jade walked quickly back to the script and looked to see how she was supposed to get this show started. After quickly reading the first few lines, she had a very wicked idea. Smiling broadly, Jade faced the crowd and addressed them with exuberance.

"Hi, everybody! I'm Jadie the clown! I've got a super fun show for you, but before I can get started, I'm going to need a volunteer from the audience."

A few children's hands rose skyward, but Jade looked right past them towards Judith.

"Excuse me, Miss. Would you please join me on stage?"

After a moment's hesitation, Judith slowly walked in front of the crowd up to Jade. Jade extended her hand for a handshake as if they were meeting for the first time. Judith shook hands but gave a sudden yelp when the joy buzzer went off on her palm. This earned a small chortle from the crowd.

"Don't worry, Miss. It was just a little clown gag, like this one."

With that, Jade squeezed a concealed red bulb and sprayed a small jet of water from a fake sunflower right into Judith's face. This earned a slightly larger laugh from the crowd, and a cold (and wet) look from Judith.

"Oh, I know it's hard to have a good sense of humor before you've eaten your breakfast," said Jadie the clown,"but don't worry, because that's what were going to make next, and you can help!"

Jade picked up a bowl, handed it to Judith, and faced her towards the crowd.

"First, we have to make sure it's a balanced breakfast. So let's balance this on your head, while you balance on one foot."

Judith attempted to play along by holding the bowl over her head with one hand, and sticking the other hand out for balance as she raised one high heel just above the ground.

Jade picked up the carton of eggs and a tray laden with several small cream pies, then stepped out into the audience.

"Excellent, Miss! Now just stay exactly like that. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the amazing Miss Judith will dazzle us with her balancing act. She will stay completely still as one by one I toss each of these eggs up into her precariously perched bowl. And, to add to the effect, if she should happen to drop her other foot or miss an egg, you all have permission to throw one of these pies at her."

"What?!" Exclaimed Judith, but she dared not move for fear of an onslaught of pies.

Taking her time, Jade deftly through the eggs in an underhand arc to land one by one into the bowl, with the exception of one miss that struck Judith's shoulder, before a pie caught her in the chin. With the eggs dispensed, Jade clapped her hands and returned to Judith's side. Judith relaxed and set her foot down, thinking her task complete. She had to quickly duck a thrown pie from an audience member who disagreed.

As she handed the bowl of broken eggs back to Jade, Judith said coldly, "that was a dirty trick."

"No, no. It was just a little yolk, and the punchline is: the yolks on you!"

Jade upturned the bowl over Judith's head and laughed as the yolks dripped down into her hair. Judith hadn't seen it coming, as she'd been trying to wipe clean her chin and shoulder. Now distracted and aghast from the sensation of sticky yolks running down her neck, she never saw Jade sneak up on her with a large pie before she slammed it into

Judith's face. The party guest howled with laughter at Judith's misfortune. Recovering quickly and fuming, Judith wiped her eyes clean and caught Jade picking up another pie.

She stalked over to Jade and swiped the pie right out of her hands. However, before Judith could finish her retaliation, Jade pushed her own hands up into Judith's face, planting the stolen pie. The crowd was in hysterics, and all Judith could do was stand there and absorb the humiliation.

"Thank you, Judith. Now, I think it's time for cake." Said Jadie the clown.

Grateful to be done with the embarrassment, Judith wiped her face clean again, and picked up the large sheet cake. She was standing with the cake in hand, facing the kiddie pool, when she felt an odd tug from the base of her skirt. Jade had just tightened her hobble skirt so that she could not take another step! Teetering wildly, Judith tried to regain her balance, but a gentle shove on her backside sent her sprawling into the kiddie pool to land face first on top of the sheet cake. More laughter, and more humiliation continued as Judith tried and failed to get up and out of the pool. Every time, her pie coated fingers slipped in the pool, and her face crashed down into the cake again. At one point, she flailed around any tantrum, but that only made her look more ridiculous. Finally, she inched backwards out of the mess and managed to make it back on her feet. A sodden mess, she shuddered slightly as she stood up in front of the audience.

"Where's Jadie?"

As if to answer her question, a pair of large pies sandwiched her face from behind. Jadie the clown took a bow to her approving audience and encouraged some applause for her volunteer. Judith remained dumbstruck and immobile as pie, cake, yolk and water dripped from every part of her.

"That's our show, hope you all had fun, I know Judith did. There's birthday cake and punch inside."

As the crowd dissipated, still laughing at her expense, Judith made a mental note to be more careful in the future when booking Jade.