Falling In Love

Falling In Love Wasn't Intended To Be So Painful

I was in Grade 1 when I first had thoughts of marriage. Don't know how it got started. Is it possible that women were born with the gene that implants into our minds the desire for marriage? Would I have had thoughts about a mate if I attending an all-girl school in elementary, high school and community college?

Even as a child of seven, I spent more time alone or with my parents than with children my age.

Not easy to forget about a mate when there were boys every place I visited.

The first time I remember having a crush, having any thoughts of a mate was the actor who played Catherine Chancellors son Lance on The Young and the Restless. He wanted to marry me even though I wasn't dressed for it. I told him so. He said, "You're a bad wife."

What a creep!

Nevertheless, I probably felt guilty, maybe even pretty awful about myself because of my decision. Don't know if this was the deciding factor, but since I've been going out with boys until 2005, I was pleasing them, forgetting about my goals and not sticking to my beliefs.

Seven years later and I still like him, miss him like crazy. I try to think about the times he was being a jerk but John was respectful and considered my feelings when it counted most.

I think I was falling in love with him at the time. I still feel a lot for him (not just the love but also the agony). I'll never know what it really could have been like with him because I haven't seen him since.

I was chicken and just got out of a control-freak relationship. I gave up my dog for adoption. Truth is, meeting him took all that pain away, but I was still not ready.

I would be now. I mean, I'll probably still fall head first when I see him. He's so dead on the hottest guy in this universe.

I couldn't have been wrong about what I saw in him.

Maybe I'll never get a chance with him but at least I know a few things now: I deserve to be with someone whom I feel a lot of attraction for, I want to be in love and I know that I'll meet a man who will respect me and love me more than anyone else in this world.

That's what meeting John did for me. The one thing I didn't go into too much detail here: the guys I had dated. I didn't want to because they are the past but a John is in my future. The guys from my past only confirmed that falling in love sucks; John showed me that there is a man out there who can truly love me as I am.

That's what was missing with the other guys and the reason my trust issues and intimacy problems.

It won't happen again because it's easy for me to spot guys who have less than honorable intensions with me.

This beautiful woman, like all the other women, wants love from a man.