A reason to live

Since the time I began to „consciously think“(as I call it) I´ve been wondering what the purpose was that I was alife and why I should continue to live.



I thought about that and came to the conclusion that I had no idea.



And thus I´ve been searching for a reason to live.



My first thought was that I had to finish school and find a good job and have a nice life.



That´s the kind of thought kids get from their parents and other grown up people. You don´t really think about the meaning of it, the hard work you have to do to get good grades so you can first of all reach the final years to graduate.

And then continue to work hard at university (well for me anyway since my parents don´t accept anything else from their kids, we have to go to university and get a high degree too).

But my kid-me was satisfied for the moment.



When I became a little older I started to realize that the future isn´t as black and white as I thought.

I knew how many different things could happen and how many things I had to decide and that the only thing that was sure was that nothing was sure.



And I began looking again for a goal to reach. A reason to live.



About that time things started to get worse for me and for my parents too, personal reasons.

But we had different problems and for quite a while we weren´t conscious that the others were troubled too.

In my case they still don´t know.

Unfortunately I did get that they had issues.



Well anyway sometime during those days I realized that I couldn´t see myself living that long to reach the age when you graduate and go to university and after that.

And my instinct and the voice in my head was pretty much all that kept me going on that time. So when that thought came I believed it since my instinct proved to be very accurate at that time (both things are still very true).



Convinced that somehow I wouldn´t live more than a few years I kind of lost any reasons I had to live and my way with that. And that was just the top of the iceberg of my problems.



There was no goal I had, except endure the day. Smile and laugh so they wouldn´t notice something was wrong. Come back home. Close all the doors leading to my room. Lock my door.



Often I was alone at home so I would sit in front of my computer and watch some shows with some instant noodles and my dog curled up on my lap.

I would go to sleep late.

Get up early.

Nobody was awake at that time except my father but I didn´t see him much.



It was an endless circle. I lived for the times when there was no one around me so I could drop my facade.

During that time I was really lost. And everyday I just got more sure that I wasn´t going to be there to reach my graduation.



When it finally got better I knew that I would need a good reason to live on.



If I don´t have a purpose I don´t really care what happens with me and my life and I was afraid that I would fall back into bad times.



So I searched again.



A comfortable home.

Happiness, luck and health.

My own family.

An intresting job.



All these things crossed my mind.

But they didn´t really stop me in my tracks and make me want to work for it.



It was so hard imagining me living in my own house with a husband and kids.

That just was not going to happen, right?

I mean seriously, me?



But I had no better reasons so I sticked with them and tried to believe in them.

It wasn´t a perfect solution but they kept me going.



For quite a while I made them my reasons.

Until recently it struck me.



We had this big family trip to look for my grandparents and great-grandparents, etc. homes and where they came from.

We were a party of seventeen with the youngest, four little girls, aged 4-10.



My sister and I always ended up looking after the little girls.

They – especially the smallest one – were incredibly cute and sweet but also incredibly exhausting.



One of these days my parents, my sister and me sat in the car and discussed our smallest kin.



At some point my sister said she´s curious if we would have children someday and how they´ll be. My mom replied that she hoped my sister would get a little girl that would drive her just as crazy as my sister did her.



As they said that I imagined my sister telling me in a few years that she was pregnant.

I imagined us shopping for baby stuff.

Me visiting her in the hospital.

Holding my little niece or nephew.

And it hit me.



This was a future I wanted.



A reason to live for.



Not for a nice home and good job I couldn´t myself getting.



I want to live to see my siblings growing older.

I want to meet their partners.

I want to attend their marriages.

I want to meet my nieces and/or nephews.

I want to be the younger sister and loving aunt to my siblings and their kids.

I want to look after the kids so their parents can go out a night.

I want to be the one to spoil my sisters´ kids with sweets their mother won´t give them.

I want to spoil my brothers´ kids with toys their father won´t buy them.

I want to see my mother enjoy having little kids again in her house even if she says she would never want little kids again there.

I want to see my father telling wild stories to his grandchildren, making them search the garden for ages in hope to find the famous (not existing) treasure buried there.



And maybe sometime I want my family to meet my own partner and my kids.



In that split second where this future flashed in front of my eyes in the car in a forgein country while my family still argued how bad my sister really was at fourteen, in that second I was truly happy and for the first time truly excited for the future.

And maybe this will change and I´ll find something else to live for, but for the moment this is something I want.



I found a reason to live.