Still falling

You can get to me.

You can get to me in all the best and the worst
ways.

I don't quite understand why because you just
shouldn't be able to.

You hurt me. You hurt me in all the worst ways.
I put trust in you and you betrayed me. Again and again. You broke my
heart. Shattered it. Yet I couldn't let go. Still can't.

I am a strong woman. I know that. I'm just
not when it comes to you. When it comes to you I fell like a small
girl stripped naked in the middle of a crowded street. Helpless.
Mortified. Shattered.

But I also know the other side. When you love
me back. I feel save in your arms. Secure. Sheltered. I can genuinely
say that yes, I love you. From the bottom of my heart. With every
fibre.
I will ever again forget you.

But I should. I know that.

Because however much I love you, you are as
well the one person in my life that hurt me in all the worst ways.
You betrayed me. Lied to me. You made me feel worthless.
I still
feel worthless.

You had me hanging by a thin thread, barely
even there. And when you left me I fell.
And I'm still
falling.
Rushing to a ground that's not even visible.

I smile at day and cry at night. I am crumbling
away. Forgetting my purpose, forgetting myself. The people around me
are worried about me. I just smile at them and say yes thanks, I'm
fine. But actually I'm not.
But nobody understands. Why would
she love him? He treated her badly. She should be happy now.

The problem is yes I should.
But no I don't
feel happy and yes I still love you.
I don't even get it myself.

Sometimes I think that my fall is ending. That
I finally reach safe ground. But then I realise it's just a cliff.
And one word from you, one look, one touch, one look at you, will
push me over the edge again.

I'm not safe.
It's not over.
You
should've been my safety net. Instead you are my mortal mistake. My
one step in the wrong direction.  My doom.

I wish I could forget you. Move on. Meet
someone nice and safe. Become happy.

But you won't let me.

So I keep falling.