Maryanne

Maryann


It’s never been clear whose idea it was to foster a child, but my parents did. I’m sure the motive was money, because it certainly wasn‘t a love for kids. I’m sure my parents breezed right through the application process. A young policeman and his stay at home wife living in a nice house in Levittown; they were a shoe in. The year was 1962. My mother was overwhelmed with the three children they already had, and now they were adding another one to the mix. Maryann joined the Fahey family when she was six months old. Her parents were teenagers and couldn’t care for her. She had what they called a “lazy eye”. It was because of her lazy eye that the adoption agency couldn’t find her a home. People wanted “perfect” children. They didn’t want children with any “problems”.

Maryann was a beautiful, smart baby girl. Her lazy eye was very noticeable, but it didn’t take away from her sweet personality. Maryann went from a loveless orphanage to a loveless suburban family. Maryann’s crib was set up in Pam and Sherry’s room. Pam was now 6, Sherry 5 and Tommy was 3. Pam was the unofficial little mommy of the house. She had much too much responsibility for a 6 year old, but luckily at her young age, she thought what she had to do every day was what every 6 year old girl did. She looked after Sherry and Tommy like a little mother hen. She knew where they were at all times and she kept them out of trouble. She knew enough, at her tender age, to keep Sherry and Tommy busy and “out of the way” whenever possible. This was her job not only when my father was home, but when it was just my mother too. My mother didn’t pay any attention to Sherry, Tommy and Pam. Now Pam had another one to look after!! And she was just a baby too! Pam never complained she did as she was told. She did her best at changing Maryann’s diapers. She wasn’t very good at first, but my mother would get angry, so she learned quickly. Pam also filled the baby bottles. There was a little red stool in the kitchen for her to stand on so she could do dishes too. What a busy little girl she was!!

Life went on in the Fahey house. Most houses with four little children are filled with laughter and chattering. In the Fahey house you could almost hear a pin drop. The Fahey children were to be seen and not heard. And most times it was preferred that they not be seen either. Luckily there was a small den at the back of the house where Pam, Sherry and Tommy spent most of their time. They would watch television or play quietly with their toys. My mother would sometimes put Maryann in the navy blue baby carriage and push it out onto the covered back porch. She would leave Pam in charge. They loved being outside. They played in the grass and sun. Outside they were allowed to laugh and sing and shout, as long as my father wasn‘t upstairs sleeping. They weren’t bothering anyone. Outside is where they got to be normal children. Sherry would push around her little plastic doll carriage. Tommy would play blocks on the porch. Pam would have one eye on Sherry, Maryann and Tommy and her nose in a book. She was young, but she loved to read. She was a very bright little girl. Not that anyone ever told her this. Pam didn’t have a need for dolls like Sherry. She already had the real thing!! Mothering was something Pam seemed born to do, but then she didn’t really have a choice, did she?



Four beautiful children now lived in the Fahey house. Four perfect children who always smiled. We were taught at an early age to stifle any negative emotions. Anger, disappointment, sadness…. Any emotion that “inconvenienced” my parents. Anger (especially towards them) was totally unacceptable because they were always right. It didn’t matter if they were wrong because they never apologized or admitted their mistakes. Disappointment was another emotion we couldn’t show because that meant we weren’t satisfied with what we had, we were being selfish, we weren’t happy…therefore we were not smiling. Sadness was not welcome either. It is very difficult to smile when you’re sad, but like little soldiers, the Fahey children always did as we were told. To this day we all know how to “put on our happy faces” regardless of how we really feel. My parents taught us well.

My mother took Pam, Sherry, Tommy and Maryann to mass every Sunday. My father only joined them on holidays if he didn’t have to work. My mother preferred when he was not with them, because the moment mass let out and we were in the car he would be cursing through gritted teeth if someone didn’t let him get in front of them, so he could leave the parking lot. It was something that happened every time. My mother enjoyed mass, she found peace there. Much like my grandmother, she would pray for happiness and better lives for her children. She would tell God how much she loved them, but she didn’t know how to show them. She would also pray for my father. She would pray that he would change his ways and become easier to live with. Church was always a big part of her life from the time she was a little girl. Besides her problems with Sister Mary Frances she only had fond memories of attending church with her mother. In fact, she was the only one who kept going past the age of 16. My uncle Robert, and aunts Marlene and Katie stopped going as soon as they could. My grandmother argued with each of them, but it was no use. At least she still had Colleen. I think for my mother it was the structure and rules of the Catholic faith that she liked. Mass every Sunday, no meat on Fridays during Lent, saying the rosary etc. The only Catholic custom my mother didn’t participate in was confession. Interesting, since every other aspect of the customs were dutifully followed. Maybe she believed she never had any transgressions to confess. Maybe she was afraid of what she might say. I’m sure attending church and believing in a higher power got my mother through the toughest of times, and unfortunately for her, there were many.

Sometimes the Fahey house was full of laughter. Drunken laughter. On the weekends, my parents would have my aunts and uncles over for a few drinks and some laughs. My father would have everyone roaring with his many stories about being a cop. My aunts thought my parents were the perfect couple. The perfect couple with four perfect children. They envied my mother for all that she had. What they didn’t know was that my mother’s smile was missing something. It didn’t reach her eyes any longer. A genuine smile lights up a person’s entire face. Her smile was a forced one. My mother was crying on the inside and nobody knew it but her. She would never tell anyone the truth. She would never admit that she may have rushed into this relationship with my father. She would never say anything negative about him to anyone. She was a good Catholic wife; she did everything in her power to make sure my father always got what he wanted. She also did her best to be sure he was never inconvenienced in any way. If he was happy, she could pretend to be happy too.




Frank
Maryann was living in the Fahey house for 3 months when my mother found out she was pregnant again. She tried not to panic. She came from a large family, she could handle five kids. Plus she had Pam to help her. What would she do without her!! Such a good little girl. Time went by quickly and Frank was born in September of 1963. What a beautiful baby boy he was!! My father was so proud to have two healthy sons to carry on the Fahey name. This was extremely important because my father was the only son in his family. Regardless of how proud he was, he paid little to no attention to his children. Again, they were to be seen and not heard. As little as they were, they already knew how to behave so as not to upset their parents. They very rarely cried and if they did it was not for long. My father would call them names, like “baby” and tell them to “toughen up”. After each of us was born, he would hand out cigars with little blue or pink ribbons on them. The guys at work would slap his back and congratulate him on the new addition to the family. My father’s chest would swell up with pride. In his mind his life was perfect. He was living the American dream. Sometimes money was tight and he’d have to take odd jobs to make ends meet, but besides that he thought everything was fine. So why was he so angry all the time? He probably thought it was normal for him to scream at his wife for running out of milk or sugar. He thought it was normal for a house full of his kids to be as quiet as a church. He even thought it was normal to treat outsiders; friends, family and strangers, better than his own wife and children. His childhood must have been interesting to say the least.

Four years went by and the house was almost bursting at the seams by the time I was born on May 14, 1967. My mother named me Colleen Mary Fahey, after her. Pam was 11. By this time she was an expert at diaper changing and she could make baby formula too. Sherry was 10, Tommy 8, Maryann 5 and Frank was 4. Pam loved all of us and she took care of us as if we were her own. She did very well in school and she still had a love of books. Pam carried me on her hip from the day I came home from the hospital. That is probably why I didn’t take my first steps until I was eighteen months old!! Once I started to walk I guess my parents couldn’t deal with all of us little ones underfoot. Their solution to this problem is mind boggling to this day…..
Goodbye Maryann

On November 5th, 1968 a large, shiny black car pulled in front of the yellow house with white shutters on Tidewater Lane. A tall thin woman, wearing a pink hat with a tiny little bird perched on the brim came ambling up the walkway. She rang the doorbell and Pam answered the door. She didn’t like the looks of this woman, with her ugly pink hat, large sharp nose and beady little eyes. My mother came to the door and let the lady in. She introduced herself as Mrs. Ford. Pam went back into the den with the other kids, but she listened at the open doorway. She couldn’t make out what was being said, but she didn’t have a good feeling about this ugly woman and her big black car. After a few minutes my mother called for Maryann to come to the kitchen. Pam watched as Maryann placed her baby doll gently down into the little plastic crib. She took Maryann’s hand and walked with her out to the kitchen. By the look on our mother’s face, Pam knew right away that she should have let Maryann walk to the kitchen alone. Our mother's face was bright red and tear stained. Her hazel eyes were swollen and bloodshot. She had been crying…hard. Pam was told to go back to the den and she of course did as she was told. My mother and Mrs. Ford spoke quietly for a while at the white and chrome kitchen table. Maryann sat on a chair opposite Mrs. Ford, her feet dangling above the floor. Maryann fidgeted in her chair and my mother asked her if she had to go to the bathroom. Maryann shook her head “yes”. My mother yelled for Pam to come and take Maryann to the bathroom. Pam ran to the kitchen and helped Maryann off of her chair. They held hands as they walked to the blue bathroom across from the den. Maryann was wearing a black, white and red plaid smock dress. She wore a white long sleeved blouse with little red flowers on the collar underneath the smock. Pam helped her with her red tights and Maryann climbed up the stool and sat on the powder blue toilet seat. Maryann’s legs dangled above the floor. She clicked her black patent leather shoes together, like Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz” while she peed. “The Wizard of Oz” was Maryann’s favorite movie. She had only recently seen it for the first time. She wasn’t even afraid of the wicked witch. She immediately picked up on the lyrics of the songs. She would sing them quietly while she played. Maryann was now singing, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” while Pam helped her wash her hands. Pam’s heart was beating hard in her chest. She knew something was wrong, something bad was about to happen. She should’ve known three days ago when her mother took them all shopping for a new dress for Maryann. Shopping for clothes, out of the blue, with no special occasion coming up was not done in the Fahey house. Before leaving the bathroom, something made Pam hug Maryann. She whispered, “I love you Pam”, as Pam hugged her tightly.

When Pam and Maryann walked back into the kitchen, my mother was handing two ugly, small brown suitcases to Mrs. Ford. Pam was instructed to go back to the den to tend to her brothers and sisters. At this point, Maryann must have sensed that something was very wrong and she started to cry loudly. Pam peeked down the hallway from the den and she could see that my mother was zippering up Maryann in her light blue winter coat with the white fur circling the hood. My mother kneeled down and dried Maryann’s tears with a tissue. She said something to her, but Pam couldn’t hear what it was. Maryann stopped crying for the moment. My mother hugged Maryann and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She stood up and said something to Mrs. Ford. Maryann began to scream as Mrs. Ford took her hand. Maryann was holding Mrs. Ford’s right hand while Mrs. Ford was struggling to hold the two ugly suitcases with her left. At this point all of Levittown must have heard Maryann’s screams. She didn’t fight and she didn’t run back to the house, but she did scream all the way to the big, shiny, black car. Mrs. Ford put the ugly suitcases in the trunk. Pam was at the kitchen window watching and crying hysterically. She now understood what was going on. My mother and father were sending Maryann away and she was never coming back. They would never, ever see Maryann again. Pam continued to watch through the bay window, sobbing uncontrollably. There is forever branded in her memory the sight of Maryann being swallowed up by that big, shiny black car. Maryann must have been kneeling on the seat because now her face and hands were pressed against the door window. Pam couldn’t hear her, but she could see that Maryann was still screaming and crying. This all happened in a matter of minutes, but it felt like a lifetime. Mrs. Ford was now behind the wheel of the car that took Maryann away forever. She started it up, but before driving away Pam could see Mrs. Ford turn and say something to Maryann. Whatever she said didn’t do any good because Maryann would not take her face and hands away from that car window. Pam continued to watch all of this, horrified. Now Mrs. Ford turned once more and spoke to Maryann, but this time Mrs. Ford’s face reminded Pam of her father’s face when he was angry. This time Maryann took her hands and face away from the window and the car slowly drove away. That was the last time Pam ever saw her little sister again. Maryann may have been gone, but Pam would never forget her.

Sherry, Tommy and Frank cried along with Pam. They too knew something was terribly wrong. Frank cried the hardest. He and Maryann were so close in age, they were always together and now she was gone. There was never an explanation given. My mother sat Pam, Sherry, Tommy and Frank on the gold velvet living room couch. She said Maryann was gone, she was never coming back and her name should never be mentioned again. While she spoke, big, fat tears ran slowly down her cheeks. It was clear that she was upset too, but just as she had told us, she never said Maryann’s name again.


Everyone in the house was heartbroken, even my mother, though she tried to hide it. It was like there was a gaping hole in the house, to go along with the gaping holes in their hearts. A part of the family was missing. Someone who had been there for five years was gone in an instant. It was like Maryann had died. Pam, Sherry, Tommy and Frank were grieving, each in their own way. Pam and Frank cried themselves to sleep the night Maryann was sent away and for many nights to come. They would never understand why their sister was sent away. She was a good girl, just like the rest of the Fahey children. Maryann was well behaved and smart. She didn’t even eat much. How could they do this? Would one of them be next? If they didn’t behave would that big, shiny black car come back to swallow them too? They all had nightmares during those first few weeks when Maryann was gone. I of course, was not even two years old, so I don’t have any memories of Maryann. Years later when I was told the story about her, I began to feel guilty. If I hadn’t come along would Maryann have stayed? This thought has stayed with me and always will.

Soon life went back to normal. Well, normal for the Fahey family anyway. Pam was still heartbroken and remained so for the rest of her life, always wondering what happened to Maryann. Sherry, Tommy and Frank quickly moved on. That’s not to say they forgot about Maryann, they just did what they had to do to protect their hearts and minds. My mother and father never mentioned Maryann, ever. It was like she was never there. She never existed. My parents must have told my aunts, uncles and cousins to never mention her name “for the sake of the children”, so they never did. Once in a while someone from the neighborhood would see my mother at the grocery store with all of us in tow. They would inevitably ask what happened to the little girl with the lazy eye. I don’t know how my mother explained this horror story to anyone. I imagine she may have told people that Maryann’s parents had gotten their acts together and were now able to care for her. Who knows? I’m sure people had their suspicions and questions. How could you raise a child for six years and then wake up one day and decide, “I think we need more room in the house, let’s get rid of one of the kids.” Essentially that is what my parents did. Looking back though, I wonder if they did Maryann a huge favor. They saved her from the Fahey lie. It’s nice to imagine that she went to a wonderful family with brothers and sisters and a lot of love and affection. A family where if she made a mistake it was okay. A family that built up her confidence instead of methodically tearing it apart piece by piece. A family where every holiday was special, especially her birthday. A family that was noisy and boisterous and fun. Where she could invite her friends over and not be terrified they’d break something or wake up her father. I hope Maryann grew up with unconditional love, because in the Fahey house there was no such thing.