The Gloom

The Gloom

The sun is shining and the birds are singing, but
That feeling of nothing just seems to overtake
My mind and will not let go.
Why must I always seem to fight myself?
Is there not anything else to fight in this world?
I tell myself this will pass, and it will.
Yet, the gloom has taken over me completely this time.
I fight it so hard not to crepe in, yet it does.
I look around my little house to find it feeling even more empty then usual.
I cannot believe it has been ten years since I was pregnant with him.
He is so big now, I can still remember holding him, snuggled the crook of my arm,
With his eyes looking bigger than his head.
I can still remember his first smile at me,
So sweet and innocent.
Yet, hiding a deeper problem no one knew.
I can still hear those sweet little coos from so far away in his crib from me.
Where has the years gone?
Now he looks to me eye to eye.
No more snuggles in my arms.
No more sneaking kisses on his cheeks.
Now it is liking looking into a dark room,
No expressions, no feelings, just void.
Oh how heartbreaking a child can be?
For at the first they seem to always be in the way,
Then one day you wish they would just be coming your way.
I see the pictures I get in the mail,
Every time he looks bigger and older,
Yet still distanced from the world.
Never thought I would watch him grow in a camera lens,
Never thought I would ever miss a birthday.
I keep telling myself it is for the best,
A child with his needs deserves a place that can care for him.
However, deep down I would do anything, anything just to be with him.
The gloom never last.
The days go on, and the weeks pass by.
I go on with my life the only way I know how,
One day at a time, one-step at a time.
The gloom every present in the background,
Clawing at my mind, just waiting for a chance to return.