This is an excerpt from my fantasy novel. I need constructive criticism please. |
***One of the characters is not named yet, he is identified as Name2*** Rendell sat up in his bed, wide awake. He couldn't get his beautiful wife off his mind, nor the horrific way she had to die. He truly loved her, married for 3 years, though they had been together since they were children. Young and in love, their life was almost perfect. He would be king one day and she his queen. But his younger brother messed it all up. Name2 was meant to be no more than a nobleman, but he became the reason for their father's death and the death of Rendell's beloved wife. Name2 managed to show Rendell up and Rendell never could figure out how it happened. Rendell sat, lost in his memories. He remembered the day his father announced that Name2 would be king and word spread throughout the kingdom. Rendell's wife tried to console him, but it was a futile attempt as Rendell was beyond furious. He killed his mother and father that night, knocking over a lit candle beside their bed. Those who suspected Rendell of murder were too afraid of him voice their concerns. His wife never said a word; she would never suspect him of such vicious treachery. As time went by, Rendell rallied his army. However, he needed to ensure his legacy would continue, he needed a male heir. As if in response to Rendell's needs, his beautiful wife was soon pregnant. Rendell was so proud. He had a beautiful wife, a strong army, and an heir on the way. Rendell found it hard to believe that he could love his wife any more, but somehow he did. Something about her mothering his child brought more joy to his heart. Tears began to fall as Rendell remembered the horrible moment of his wife's death; he almost could not contain himself because he missed her so much. The day of her death was the day she delivered their baby. The baby was coming and he was coming fast. Despite labor being a painful experience, the midwife said it was going smoothly; it was the smoothest she had ever had. Several painstaking hours went by when finally the head came through, followed by hardest--the shoulders, and finally the rest of the child slid into life. The child looked perfect, small bit of hair, perfectly pointed elf ears, but then Rendell saw a huge problem. This was a girl, not the boy which he deserved. His wife had betrayed him and he could not understand why she would do this to him. Rendell took the knife meant for the umbillical cord and slammed it into the child. The child never even got a chance to breathe mortal air. Rendell spun on his knees and killed the midwife before she could scream, leaving just his beautiful wife who could not see what was going on. Rendell leaned into his exhausted wife's ear and whispered, "I thought you loved me." He slit her throat. Her only response to his harsh words were the gurgling sounds of blood draining from her once graceful neck. Rendell sat amongst the stench of birth and death and wondered why his wife had betrayed him. Did she not love him anymore? No, This was Name2's doing. He somehow got to her and made her betray Rendell. Rendell had to force himself to snap out of his painful memories. He had several new wives now, one would surely give him the male heir he deserves. He has his kingdom to take back and damage to repair as his newly departed brother allowed tainted humans in the kingdom. The morning brought lots of work and Rendell needed to sleep. Rendell laid back in his bed and forced his eyes closed. He regretted losing his wife, but she made the choice to betray him. |