The Anguish of a Bullied Child

The Anguish of a Bullied Child

It’s finally here. I have been waiting for this day for a long time and I’ve been planning this day for a long time. It feels like any other Tuesday but I am going to make it a day no one forgets. My plan is ready. From this day forward, I will never be picked on again. Never again will I be called a midget because I’m shorter than everyone in my class. Never again will I be made fun of because I drool a little. Never again will another kid run from me on the playground just because I want to play. I won’t have to run from one class to another because I’ll get tripped in the hallway. Today ends it all.

I can’t believe things have gotten this bad. I can’t remember a time that I was happy about going to school. I can’t remember a time I could play without being pushed into a snow bank, knocked to the ground, hit with a backpack, or having something thrown at me. Like when Ethan Blake threw his dirty tissue that he had blown his nose on and hit me in the face. I’ve never had a sleep over. I’ve never been invited to a sleep over except by my cousins. I don’t tell on them because it just makes it worse. Like the time Mom was helping me get ready for bed and she saw the bruises Colton put on me, I lied and told her I didn’t know how I got them but she didn’t believe me. I had to tell her the truth but, telling didn’t take the bruises away. I’m just tired, so tired. Every day it’s the same thing. Every day I just want to disappear a little more. I spend every day watching and wishing. I wish I had been born like the rest of the kids. I wish I could see like them, run like them, play like them, think like them, and look like them.

As I walk down this hall every memory, good and bad is flooding my mind. My hair and palms are moist. I am comfortable with my plan but I think my nerves are trying to hold me back. Ahh Billy, just put one foot in front of the other. I refuse to give into them. I need to stop at my locker to put my things away.

Backing up a little: I have grown up at this school. I’m not popular and I haven’t participated in any programs or groups because my classmates don’t like me. Most kids just watch me when I fall out of my chair because I cannot keep my balance but occasionally there’s a boy, or two, that brings this to everyone’s attention. Those stupid boys seem to multiply with each
passing year. Now in the sixth grade they pick on me every day. My mom says they probably don’t understand my condition, Asperger’s Syndrome. She says that I should fight back because nothing she has done has made them stop. She says that every time I come home upset her heart breaks a little. Well, that is what today is all about. My mom’s heart will never break again. After today, we will finally have some peace.

If I were bigger and stronger, I could make this backpack fit in my locker without a fight and break a face. But, I'm too weak....physically that is. Probably everyone is thinking that my wearing a jacket to school on an eighty-degree day is just another quirk. They’re staring at me, but today, I don’t mind because for the first time in my life, I want to be the one they’re all looking at.

All of my classmates are in home room already. I see forty-four eyes looking right at me. That's about twenty eyes I would like to jab out. My hair is a little more than moist now and I can't stop shaking. I feel like I might throw up. Miss Carol, my first teacher of the day is already calling for the students to stop mulling around and put their eyes forward.

Oh God, my heart is beating out of my chest. I can't catch my breath.

I see Josh Anderson looking right me. He is strengthening my resolve for me. Man, I hate that guy. He’s been the anti-Billy Mullins leader since third grade.
He never lets up but that’s ok I will never have to look at him again.

Now I feel better and I’m ready.

Miss Carol is the only teacher I have ever liked. That’s why I chose her class for today’s agenda. She is nice to me but as much as she tries to stop the boys that make fun of me, nothing seems to work. This Tuesday morning she is extra pretty. I don’t really know why unless it’s because I’m seeing things clearly for the first time.

With every name she calls this morning, the response “here” rings back. All I do is raise my hand. I’ve never spoken out loud in class. Not even to say “here”. Today I am finally going to speak up. Everyone in this room is about to learn their lesson.

If I had to guess how many of my classmates know what Asperger’s Syndrome is I would only come up with one name, Page Hall. That’s because Page has Asperser’s as well. She’s awkward
just like me. And, she doesn’t take part in class discussions just like me. Page is indeed my only friend. She’s taller than I am but I don’t mind because we’re friends. She doesn’t call me midget and I don’t call her beanpole. She’s out of town today because her grandma passed away on Saturday so she had to go home to Mexico for the funeral. That’s why I picked today. I do not want Page here for this.

“Everyone open your reading books”, Miss Carol’s voice is so soft. “Sally, you begin for us this morning”, she said to the little red head up front. She just skips Page and me, which makes the other kids a little upset. They say, “What’s fair for one was fair for all”.

Melanie, the girl who sits behind me just finished her paragraph. Miss Carol has a funny look on her face because she sees my hand up.
“Billy, what’s on your mind”,
My knees feel like they are going to buckle. You can hear a pin drop in this room. I have never heard such loud silence. All eyes were on me. I thought this would be easier. I really feel like I am going to throw up now.

I’m standing smack dab in front of Miss Carol’s desk, which is squarely in the middle of the room. My breathing isn’t good and I cannot turn around.

“Are you ok Billy”, Miss Carol asked. I can’t speak. All I can do is nod my head up and down. I could hear giggles a minute ago but now they’re turning into laughs.

“I’m so sorry Miss Carol.” Before she could ask what I was sorry for I put my right hand into the inside left pocket of my jacket. My hands are shaking so bad I’m afraid I might mess up. Just breathe Billy just breathe. Miss
Mrs. Carol is struggling to see what I have in my hand.
Dad travels for days at a time for his work and Mom is afraid for the two of us to be at home alone. After all, what can she do to protect us if the worst happened? She’s just a small lady. I suppose that’s why I’m so little. Dad bought mom something to give her a little peace of mind at night. It’s mom that I’m thinking of right now. I have to turn around. How is she going to feel about this? Will she blame herself? Will she blame the kids who pick on me? Will she blame Dad for not being home enough? Or, will she blame the school for not doing enough?
I am going to do this if it kills me.
A collective gasp shot its way out of the silence and cries rang out as I raised that Glock 9mm and pointed it right at Josh’s ugly face. Miss Carol is begging me to put it down. She is the only voice in the room now.
Josh cannot even beg. That coward can’t even cry out loud. But, his tears are running down his face. He is shaking all over. Man, watching him cry is glory to me.

I can’t tell if time is moving.

“Don’t do this Billy”. I can hear my teacher beg through her tears.
“We’ll work this out. Just put the gun down”.

I can’t even look at her. Why did I choose her class? She’s going to hate me for sure. But, I have to do this. I have to show them.
I am standing right in front of Josh and, I’ve made eye contact with every kid in this room. Billy Mullins is name they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Oh, God forgive me and take care of my mom.