A Mother's Devotion

A Mother’s Devotion

1872



My precious baby, Ann thought as she looked at her son’s picture. Where did I go wrong? Why didn’t I do more for him? What will I do without him? Her thoughts were racing. She’d been like this since last night. Now that the sun was coming up she knew she didn’t have much time left with her boy.

Chris had been a good boy all of his life. Raised in a Christian home, he went to church ever Sunday. She had taken very good care of him on her own since his father left when he was two. Another woman of course. He was her only child. Last night Chris came home with a bizarre tale. She would’ve never believed this.

“Mom, I’m home.” He called as he came in through the living room door. He threw down his bag and went from room to room calling for his mom. “MOM,” he yelled loudly when he rounded the corner of the kitchen and saw Ann standing at the sink.

“Oh, hi baby. When did you get home?” She asked while turning to look at him.

“I’ve been calling for you.” He was frustrated with her.

“Sorry.” She was pointing to her ear buds. Ann always listened to music while doing her chores.

“I need to talk to you about something.” He said, brow wrinkled. His brown hair came down to his eyebrows normally but today he had it brushed aside. He was such a handsome young man.

Seventeen years ago when Chris was born, Ann thought he was the prettiest baby to have ever had a mother. Today, not much had changed except he was built like a football player with his broad shoulders and tall frame. She didn’t know where he got it because she and her ex-husband were not very tall at all. Still a very handsome young man. He had a new girlfriend every week it seemed. The girls really liked him. However, he met Michelle six months ago and she changed him. He was done with all the other girls. Michelle was his first love. He would have done anything for her.

“What’s going on honey?” He looked so serious.

“Mom, I’ve done something and I need your help.”

“Anything for you Chris. You know that.”

“Okay. You know how I told you about Michelle’s ex-boyfriend Matthew?”

“Yeah.”

“He broke the restraining order tonight. He hurt her Mom. Her parents weren’t home. He came in and beat her up.” Samuel was Michelle’s ex-boyfriend. She broke up with him because he was controlling and liked to push her around. He had stalked her after the break up so she had to put a restraining order on him.

“Oh my Chris. Is she okay?”

“She’s in the hospital. He attacked her with a bat. Her skull is fractured in three places. He broke most of the bones in the left side of her face. Seven of her fingers are broken from trying to block the bat. Her right forearm is broken. She’s in a coma, Mom. I don’t know if she’s gonna wake up.” He was crying so hard his body was heaving. Ann reached out and put her arms around him.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” She just held him, stroked his hair, and cried with him.

“Chris? You said you’ve done something. What did you do?”

It took him a few minutes to stop crying and lift his head.

“I, I went after him. I found him by the lake. I saw his truck and went after him.”

“What did you do Chris?”

“He was sitting on a picnic table drinking. The bat was propped up next to him, still covered in her blood. I came up behind him. He didn’t hear me. I grabbed the bat and started hitting him. I couldn’t stop,” he was crying harder than Ann had ever seen him. “He was screaming and trying to grab it from me but I just kept hitting him. I couldn’t stop. Then all of a sudden he wasn’t moving or screaming. I ran.” He had never looked more pitiful than right then. His face red and eyes beginning to swell. What was she going to do?

“Oh my God Chris. Did you check on him? His pulse?” She was beside herself and hadn’t stopped crying yet.

“No,” he said through his tears. “I just ran.”

“Did you take the bat with you?” She just knew her fear was showing through.

“No. What am I gonna do Mom?”

“Well first of all I need to go check on him and find that bat. You stay here.” She was already on her feet on her way to the door to get her shoes.

Ann’s heart had never raced like that before. She was so scared of what her prefect little boy had done. He wouldn’t hurt a flea. She couldn't help but blame herself. Ann knew she had problems. She had seen a psychiatrist for many years but stopped when she lost her insurance. The job she worked for fifteen years had shut down and moved out of the country. Bi-polar is what they called it. No one ever knew she was on medicine.

Driving south on route seven would take her right to the lake. She was moving as fast as she could without speeding. The last thing she needed was to get pulled over.

As she drove along the dark highway she began to think about the day Chris was born. She had such a hard labor, but when they laid that beautiful baby boy on her chest, the pain melted away. He was so worth it. She couldn’t fathom the love she would have for this child until that moment. Then she realized there wasn’t one thing she wouldn’t do for him. She thought of his first birthday and first day of school. How he had grown over his seventeen years. She remembered every day of his life. But, this is one she wished she could forget.

Arriving at the lake she saw a truck, then the picnic tables, and finally the young man lying on the ground. There was blood everywhere. It was hard to make out his face because of the severe wounds. She knelt beside him and leaned over his body. How could my baby have done this, thought as she looked at the severe state the young man was in. She couldn’t see his chest move so she put her fingers on the side of his neck. After re-positioning them a few times, she realized she couldn’t feel a pulse because he didn’t have one. The tears that had finally dried up had restarted again.

“Oh dear God, what has he done?” she whispered while looking at what was left of the young man’s face. His eyes appeared to be slightly open but were swollen so bad she couldn’t see his eyes through the slits. His teeth were missing and she couldn’t find his nose.

She stood in a panic. Not knowing what to do. What she did know was she had to find that bat. She walked briskly away looking for it. She had her cell phone but was afraid to turn on the light. She didn’t want to be seen. Finally after about ten minutes and walking in every direction away from his body, she saw the bat. She sprinted toward it and scooped it up without stopping. She had to get out of there.

The fifteen minute trip home was difficult. She tried to maintain the speed limit again. And, this time her thoughts were far from Chris’ cuteness. Now, she began to think about what would happen to him.

What should I do? She thought. She didn’t want to lose him but it was wrong to not make him pay. If he went to prison she would go crazy. But, if she protected him from the law, it would change both of them. She only had a few minutes left to decide what to do.

She turned her car off and grabbed the bat while opening the door. She grabbed a dirty towel she had used to wax her car that was hanging in the garage, and wrapped it around the towel.

“Chris, I’m back.” She called.

“What happened Mom? Is he okay?” He looked so weak. Her little baby boy had killed another child in cold blood.

“I’m sorry baby, he’s dead.” The hardest words she had ever said to him.

She was already crying when he collapsed to the floor. She’d never heard him scream like that. She laid the bat down and got on the floor with him. Holding him in her arms right then was no different from the first time in that delivery room. Ann new right then that she had to do the right thing.

“Shh, it’s going to be alright. I promise.” She was rocking him side to side. He was limp in her arms until he began to heave and then threw up. He had never been in so much turmoil and pain before.

“Go get cleaned up and bring me your clothes.” She didn’t seem fazed by the mess he had just made.

“Okay but why do you need my clothes?” He was still sniffling through his tears.

“Because I’m going to fix this. You need to trust me now Chris.” She said holding his face in her hands.

Where is that lighter? She thought to herself while frantically going through the junk drawer. She only needed it occasionally to light candles since she quit smoking.

Finally she found it in the drawer next to the stove. As she reached in to get it she began to think. I can’t lose my son. Prison behind bars or prison in his mind. I can’t live without him. She kept staring at the stove. Hesitantly she walked toward it. She leaned behind it and unhooked the gas line. She could hear a faint whistle.

Chris walked into the room carrying his dirty clothes.

“Put them in the fireplace.” She instructed her son.

“What are you going to do Mom?” Like he had to ask.

“Don’t worry honey. Go to bed and try to get some sleep. Leave all of this up to me now.”

“Okay. I love you Mom and I am sorry.” He said hugging her. He made her look so small.

“I love you too baby.” She replied kissing his cheek.

She walked over to the fireplace and picked his picture up from the mantle. Finally she felt okay. That night seemed to last forever and now that the sun was coming up, she could see clearly.

She had been holding that photo of Chris and her together at her birthday party for forty-five minutes. She hugged and kissed the glass. “I love you Chris. God please have mercy on me.” She said.

She clutched the picture to her chest and as the tears began to flow, she lit the lighter.