Being a single woman in a relationship

Throughout the following essay I intend to explain why my mother is such a wonderful woman and how a woman can be single with a child even when she has a partner. Sometimes this can lead a woman to feel single in her life and to pass those traits on to her child. My mother has always tried to be supportive and explain things to me about life in general. But the one thing my mother has always said is the most important in a parent and child relationship is that of a friend.
My mother chose to become a school teacher when I was a young child, this was because as a musician she did not have a reliable income and whilst my father worked as a university lecturer this was only because she helped him through school on the promise that she could go to school afterwards and he would support her. My father was not very supportive and thus ends the portion of my life of having my father at home. Soon after my father left my mother found another man who said that he would stand by her in the way my father hadn’t. She married him. Only to find out after she had finished her degree that her new husband believed his need to support for her to be over. Now he had a housewife, and someone who worked and he could sit on his backside and be lazy. All the while I am watching these men enter my life and treat my mother like that, it is no surprise really that one of the first things I learned in life was to not trust men!

My stepfather had children of his own that he hardly ever spoke to and didn’t have room in his heart for me. This was shown by the way that he claimed that he didn’t wish to intrude on my fathers space. He hardly ever spoke to me and if it did it was a statement to make me leave the room. I soon found my bedroom was my safe haven and that was where I would spend my time. No more was I permitted to enter my parents room and chat with my mother whilst she was laying in bed. This was now private territory. This was now his.

My mother spent all the time that she could with me, but that time was always interrupted with the statement, “Ray’s home maybe you should go to your room.” Many years of therapy have taught me that my mother was merely insecure in herself and she found a man who was willing to stick around and not spend time with other women. Not yell at her when she tried to do things for herself and not interfere with the way that she wanted to raise me. She became more of an individual with my stepfather around but it left me thinking isn’t a relationship meant to be about sharing?

The conversations I had with my mother over the years will always be remembered. But they always came to an end with him appearing. She did what she could, taking me out when my stepfather was at his weekly golf game, talking with me about school and friends. She was always there when I had homework concerns but it was often after an hour or so when she had made my stepfather perfectly comfortable first. She always taught me that she wanted a daughter because when I grew older I could become more of a friend. But with my stepfather there I have always felt that she thinks of me as more of a fair weather friend.

Not to say that she wasn’t there for me in those dark moments of my life because she was. But the time I spent with her, the happy moments, are those where my stepfather simply was not there. My mother taught me that it is important to be an independent person in a relationship. That she wanted to do what she could to please my stepfather and that I should do what I can to please my man when I had one. Well I disappointed her with that one by coming out as a lesbian by age 15!

After that she told me to always be there for my partner and she always hoped that I would find men interesting like she did. I knew in my heart this was never going to be the case. Not that sexuality is changeable but even if it was both the father figures of my life have shown me that men are not to be trusted. I love my mother with all my heart but I watch her in this relationship and shudder. Seated beside my stepfather in the lounge room never speaking a word. Like two peas in a pod quiet and still.

The relationship that I have with my mother is that of friendship. We have our different ideas of life and she is a largely independent woman. But being a single woman in a relationship with another is a devastating sight. But maybe by being her friend I can be the one person to pierce the silence.