Disperse the Traffic Jam

Planning on applying for a driver’s license, registering your vehicle, or getting your car inspected? If so, please be prepared to wait in the longest line of your life—yes, it will be longer than the wait for Space Mountain at Disneyland. The Motor Vehicle Department (MVD) is always busy. It must have some magnetic attraction, drawing in multitudes of people through its doorsteps everyday. My theory behind this mysterious force is that the MVD is actually the Fountain of Youth. Shhh.

You might believe that the Fountain of Youth is an actual fountain with magical waters, but that’s a lie. It is actually hidden in the atmosphere circulating inside the MVD. The air vents spew out stuffy youthful gases that attract masses of people to this hot spot. The lifelong employees generously let you bask in the glow of their enchanted counters, just as long as you fill out the correct paperwork and present two forms of identification. Because of this generosity, herds of people are always at the MVD. Hence, it is the busiest institution in the state.

What this means for you, one driver amongst the millions in the state, is that when you go to the MVD, you should expect that your ticket number will never be called and you will never reach the enchanted Counter of Youth.

The department will never admit this to you, so they create mounds of paperwork to be processed to distract you from the boredom of waiting. To further bait you, they have a giant screen that flashes the supposed numbers that are next in line. You may think you are getting closer to being called, but in reality, you are probably the one hundred twentieth next in line.

A couple of years ago, I went to the MVD in hopes of renewing my driver’s permit. From previous experience, I suspected that the best time to go was on a Thursday around three o’clock in the afternoon. From the looks of the vacant parking lot, I figured it wouldn’t be too crowded so I assumed the wait shouldn’t be too bad. I was wrong. That is simply another deceiving trick of the MVD. They put Invisibility Cloaks over the rows of cars to give a false perception to all who enter.

I walked in cautiously with my father, and we found our perceptions shattered; it is worse than Black Friday at the mall. There were so many people that I started to feel claustrophobic. We snagged a spot in line to check in and stretch our legs to prevent the inevitable leg cramping that will ensue from our long wait. Much to my surprise, I only waited twenty minutes in line to check in and get my ticket number. On the other hand, I sat in those uncomfortable chairs for a good hour and a half before I heard the monotone speaker beckon me to Counter Nineteen. Yes! I got to the counter and rejoiced at the thought that I might actually walk out with a renewed permit before I died. However, I was again incorrect. Apparently, the worker assigned to my station decided that now would be a good time to take a break and roam around in the area behind the counters. Fifteen minutes later, when she finally returned to her job, I gave her my papers and presented twelve forms of identification. She turned to her computer to start the processing, and after two and a half hours, I finally walked out of the lovely department with a renewed permit.

It is time for this nonsense to stop. The MVD has turned a simple task into a long and tedious process that only discourages people from ever going back. Therefore, I propose that we abolish the Motor Vehicle Department. The services this governmental institution provides are not necessary to the everyday lives of vehicular citizens. Those little plastic licenses we carry around that certify us to drive two-ton machines are nothing but cold, hard plastic. Cars don’t need to be registered; who really cares if you own the car you drive or if the car is insured? These are trivial matters. I say we should abandon these pointless practices because they only hinder and trample upon the freedoms we, as citizens of the United States, have in driving. This is America, Land of the Free, and we should not be bound by regulations and formalities concerning our motor vehicles. After the elimination of these laws, we will no longer need the MVD and its services, and hence, the next logical step would be to eradicate the MVD. From that, and only that, will the state of purgatory at the MVD be dispersed.