Death of Heart

Part 1: Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I’m leaving you. By the time you read this, I will have already left this world. I am very sorry for being a burden on you. I will never forget all you have done for me.

We used to be happy; you, me and momma. When mom died three years ago, it changed you. You started drinking more than you used to. You took a liking to beating me with a belt, even when I wasn’t in trouble. I accepted the beatings; I understood why you did it. You were hurting just as much as I was after mom died.

Beating me was your way of dealing with her death. I was also coping with her death, when I began putting a blade to my wrist and cutting myself. When mom passed away, I felt that it was my fault. Besides, whenever you beat me, the next day, you would apologize to me. You would tell me you were sorry. I was very glad to receive your apology, though I didn't deserve it.

In school, I’ve always kept my grades high. I wanted to impress you and make you happy. You always congratulated me with hugs and kisses. Sometimes you went out of your way to take me out to my favorite restaurants.

Daddy you always tried your best to be kind to me, you were doing your best to be active in my life. You were so kindhearted that you planned every one of my birthday parties. You even attended every school play that I was in, even if I didn’t get a significant role.
I enjoyed your company at the kitchen table when you attempted to help me with my homework. You didn’t have a clue how to do the work yourself, but you stood right beside me, learning with me as we completed the assignments. You did your best to be the best father you could be. I want to thank you for doing that.

We were becoming happier people. Neither depression nor a desire for what we had lost seemed to affect us as much anymore. At least we were given a chance in our lives like that.

You don’t remember what happened, do you? It happened about a month ago. You came into my bedroom one night and pulled the cover off of my body. I was a growing girl and had begun to sleep in only my bra and panties. Looking over my half naked body you had begun rubbing one of my legs. I woke-up instantly after feeling your touch. My reaction was a loud scream, and me hastily scooting away, until I realized it was you.

You strongly smelled of liquor that night. It was obvious you were very intoxicated. I tried asking you if you knew what you were doing, but it didn’t seem like you could hear me. You grabbed me then tossed mine back against the bed. When you began unzipping your pants, I knew what was about to happen. I was the reason you stopped bringing women home; it was my fault, so I laid there and accepted my punishment, as you took away my virginity.

The next day I hinted to you what had happened the night before, but it was obvious you did not remember. I neglected to tell you what you had done. As a result, for a month, whenever you were that drunk; you came into my room and did it again. Until today, that is.
Because this morning I took a pregnancy test. I am pregnant, and daddy, you are the father. If anyone knew you were the one who put this baby inside of me, you would go to prison. But I don’t want you to get in trouble, you’re are a good man. So today my life is going to come to an end. I will write a letter and leave it by my body. It will say I killed myself because I missed momma.

Daddy I love you. Please keep living while I’m gone. I’ve packed the sharpest knife we have in our kitchen in my book bag today. During my first period class, I will raise my hand and ask the teacher if I can go to the bathroom. In the bathroom, I will take myself out of this world.

Please daddy, don’t feel sad for me. I was only a burden on you. As I leave you, please daddy be happy. Please start going to church again, and pray for momma and me. I know you don’t believe anymore, but maybe it will make you happy to know momma and I are in the hands of the most capable.

Today is the anniversary of my mom’s death, the day of my birth. At the very same second my life began, it will end. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better daughter. I was a burden on you, and I’m sorry. Goodbye daddy.

Love, Sindy Heart