January 6, 2014

Monday - very cold with -40 windchill. I did the treadmill, showered, read my Bible, did laundry, made my bed, and spent some time outlining my project - about two pages worth. Karen Arndt sent me hers and it is 23 pages, with references and tables. HELP. I have four days to complete this mess.

Why am I so intimidated by starting a project proposal like this? Why do I procrastinate? I keep putting myself under the gun, time after time and all it does is create unnecessary stress for me. I actually get good grades in spite of this approach, but what is it about me that I constantly do this? Am I afraid of failure? I don't have a history at all of failing on these types of assignments, so what is it? Is it control? Am I just trying to assert control in one area of my life, even though it is in a self-defeating way? Am I lazy? I think because I do not have a real mentor encouraging me, I feel alone and that paralyzes me.

We have been pretty cozy today. Meg went to the Serpent's 1:45-7:45, but returned in a pretty good frame of mind. Luis joined me and Jane for fajita supper.

More and more I feel committed to simplifying my life in every way. It feels so good when I am able to part with something and just get it OUT OF THE HOUSE. I just don't want to be burdened down with stuff. When I get a real job, I want to save money and live very frugally, without wasting money on stuff.

I need to believe in myself more. I feel like such a child inside - as if I still don't have enough experience in life to have an opinion. I need to objectively evaluate what I have achieved and realize that I have so much potential and not discourage myself from broadening my horizons. I so quickly revert back to my introverted self - feeling I have nothing to offer or contribute, but I do, just as much as anyone else does. The years of living with the serpent have certainly taken a toll, but I need to get beyond that - to think of the positive things I have accomplished and the good friends I have. I am so capable and yet I doubt myself.

What do I really want out of life? I want the girls to live the Truth and make wise choices, most of all. I want to find work that I truly enjoy. I want to spend time with friends who encourage me and who I find intellectually stimulating. I want to do some traveling.I want to do some writing. I want to keep physically active. I want to continually refine my life to keep it free of excess baggage. I want to do some creative things - whatever that may be.

The serpent sent an email today that Meg has had way too many texts from Charles Taylor. I asked him what kind of consequences he is going to give her. He had told me he had blocked his number. Probably another lie.