A piece of creative writing

Innocence of the Soul

My eyes closed as my body moved in a practiced, seductive move; the heated beat of the music unwelcomingly loud in my ears. Flipping my long, wavy, brown hair to the side, I opened my honey brown eyes slowly, slitting them in imitated seduction as I met the first pair of eyes that happened to meet mine. I registered what I saw in them but decided to ignore it, like I always did, and continued to shimmy and twirl, working the tired muscles of my body to my best advantage. My eyes moved lazily over the dimmed light of the room, seeing but not perceiving. There was no need to; I already knew what was going on in every corner and none of it was good.

My eyes caught a sight which demanded great effort on my part to avoid unconsciously ceasing my body's movements and staring. Her hair was a soft, light blonde; her young face with her seemingly innocent blue eyes stared widely upon her surroundings in bewildered wonder. My heartbeat raced in my chest at the sight of her and what or, more specifically, who, the sight of her reminded me of. Me. Although my appearance has always been completely different, the innocence I saw in her eyes was once in mine. I remembered her, that girl that was once me. My body continued to move in a tempting lilt but my mind was somewhere else completely as my eyes closed and flashbacks of that girl played under my eyelids.



It was my graduation day. My smile was huge as my arm hung around my best friend, Casey's shoulder and my eyes smiled into the camera my mother was holding, her exultant face behind it. I was wearing a light floral dress that reached to my ankles and it was the complete opposite of attractive, my mother's choice of course. It was boring and I hated it. That's why I had another much more sensational looking dress in Casey's car. We were using the car to go to the after party which my parents only allowed me to go to after weeks of arguing and fighting. At first I was reluctant to go to that party with Casey; especially since I hated any kind of attention, but Casey convinced me that it would be fun.  Although I felt terrible for lying to my parents, I thought this would be my final chance to let someone know I actually existed, someone other than Casey. As those thoughts ran through my mind, I realized that my mother had finished capturing the millionth picture of us, her hand that held the camera had lowered and she was looking at us with a gleaming, proud smile on her face. Suddenly, I really hoped I looked good in those pictures, especially that I knew mom would hang them in big frames all around our small house. For a minute I wondered if we could actually afford those fancy frames.

All of a sudden, I found my mother, uncharacteristically, jumping in glee as she came at us, taking us both in an excited, tight, and embarrassing hug. My smile, which I was sure, was truly goofy, dropped to an embarrassed, tight grin as I pushed on her shoulder.

"Mom!" I groaned, finally able to breath comfortably again, and dropped my head in humiliation.

"What? Don't you look down young lady! Are you embarrassed to be seen with your mother? How could you? Huh? How could you hurt my feelings like that? I just wanted to show my support." She exclaimed; her voice getting louder and shriller as she finished her scolding of me; her lower lip jutted forward in an angry pout and her face started to crumble; preparing for her to burst into tears.

I rolled my eyes at her melodramatic behavior and then closed them for a second as I shook my head in exasperation and tried not to melt into a pool of humiliation at her feet. Opening my eyes, I looked at Casey and found her face flushed and her eyes bulging out of their sockets as she tried to control the urge of bursting into laughter. Glaring at her heatedly, I turned to my mother and tried to soothe her.

"Don't worry mom. Of course I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you. I love having you here!" I exclaimed excitedly with a big, fake, grin stretching my lips tightly.

Casey failed to control her laughter and it rang joyfully loud in my ears.



As I realized that the music was coming to an end, to meet its ending rhythm, I did a body curl and a last twirl, meeting a random male's wicked gaze with a wicked grin of my own. Dropping it quickly, I got off stage, and, as always, I tried not to seem like I was hurrying.

Standing backstage, my figure was thankfully covered by the curtain at my back; the only barrier between me and the burning eyes of all of those people behind it. Closing my eyes, I breathed out a heavy sigh of relief as I opened them and looked up. Registering who was standing there, I felt my lips stretch into a rare but nevertheless genuinely soft smile.

Waiting for me backstage was Antonio. I felt a weight lift off my chest as my eyes fell on him and butterflies burst into my stomach as they usually did the minute my gaze found his beautiful sky-blue one. Running to him, I put my arms around him tightly and shoved myself face first into his chest. I felt him tighten his arms around me as I heard his soft voice burn my ears with its lyrical quality.

"You did great honey," he said proudly.

Lifting my head from his chest I looked into his eyes. I'd never in my life forget these eyes and I also remembered the lucky day mine first fell upon them.



It was my after graduation party. He was a colleague's brother; a very rich colleague. It was the same colleague who had held the after graduation party at her house. We'd never been close friends as we were from two completely different worlds; her being the Mayor's beloved daughter and me being the help's poor daughter. The minute I met her brother though, I knew he was different. We started talking and we found out we had so much in common. He was so charming and romantic; he seemed so caring and smart. He was only three years older than me but those three years seemed like nothing, it was no barrier that could stop us from getting to know each other better. Everything started to happen so quickly, it was like a haze. In fact, it was going so briskly, it was like the wind in a summer night as it took the dead leaves from the soiled ground and lifted them in the air into a tornado of sorts.

Almost daily, using his impressive connections, we were going out on expensive dates by means of his posh and undoubtedly expensive car. I'd started to get so used to him being a part of my life; a beautiful, comforting part. My parents weren't happy about the age difference; especially my father but my mother convinced him that it was just harmless dating. In a couple of months we couldn't stand being apart from each other any longer and we decided, or Antonio decided and then discussed it with me; that we should get married. I was scared at first, the idea of marriage had never entered my mind, but then I remembered it was Antonio, the only person I'd ever want to be with. So I agreed. The only problem we had was convincing my parents and his. We were never able to solve that problem.

I still remembered the booming noise of my father's shunning voice vowing that if I married Antonio I would no longer be part of his family. With sadness in my chest that to this moment has not left my heart I left with Antonio and got married. As his family cut off any contact they had with, disgusted with the idea of him marrying a girl from a poor family like mine, we had no one, but we did have the money from Antonio's trust fund. Thankfully, his father hadn't taken that away from us. We were still able to go to famous and expensive restaurants and live in a modern apartment with enough money to accommodate us both; he never made me want for anything.

Slowly though, everything started to change around me. Everything I knew to be true turned out to be a lie.

At first it was just sophisticated parties in sophisticated places where I had to wear outfits that were so expensive that I wondered how the money in Antonio's trust fund could cover it all.

Then he was taking us to casinos where he said we would have fun in. His definition of fun was him sitting at the poker table losing more and more money that we desperately needed and me standing by his side for "moral support" as he said. I started to truly worry then, but was reluctant to talk to him about my concern; until the worst happened.

He started to take us to different types of casinos. It wasn't just poker and drinks anymore. There was more, so much more. Those casinos looked a lot like the strip club I work at now. As that change took place, what I had to wear so I could blend in with that environment changed, too. I still remembered the first time he took me there. I was wearing a skin tight black dress, my back was bare but the bareness of my back was not the only thing I felt coming through that door. I felt like my whole body was bare, not just my body, but my soul, too. They were both bare to the hungry, stealing gazes of the men, their gazes taking and taking, making me lose every bit of me I had left.  I felt caged then, in my own skin, I was scared out of my mind and, most of all, I was lost. I never thought I'd be lost after meeting Antonio, but that moment was the first time I felt completely and infinitely lost, even standing right next to him, in his arms.

That wasn't the last time I felt lost, or caged in my own skin. After he started to lose more and more of our money, I had to do something, to make a choice. I thought I was making the best choice for us, for me included.

I chose to sell myself, my body and my soul. I chose to bare myself open to all those strangers who sickeningly enjoyed watching me, taking and never giving. I did all that for Antonio; all of it was for him and for us. I didn't blame him for a single thing, I justified the wrongs he made as mistakes everyone makes; understandable and forgivable. That was how much I loved him.

Until one day, the unthinkable happened. Nearly eight months prior from now, it was time for my shift and I was on stage doing my thing when my mother came and visited me. She saw me. Her face, her eyes and what I saw in them once mine met hers made me want to do two contradicting things at once. I wanted to run to her and ask her to take me in the familiar, warm and safe realm of her embrace and, all at once, I wanted to run backstage and cover myself. Then I wanted to bath and scrub myself clean from that filth I saw on myself through my mother's eyes. I wanted to scrub so vigorously that my skin would turn an angry red and my soul would be back to being pure again.

I hadn't given in to either of those dangerous temptations. Instead, I'd stared into her eyes and continued dancing, and dancing and dancing, like I was compelled to do it, like I couldn't stop. Not even after I saw all those hateful emotions in my mother's eyes intensify and grow into a ball of flame full of so much shame and hatred, did I stop. Not even when those emotions started to feel like they were daggers encased in flame piercing my skin relentlessly; not even then did I stop. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you see it, she apparently couldn't take any more and left; and I'd just kept dancing.

I hadn't seen her since.



Shaking off those gloomy thoughts, I opened my mouth to tell Antonio how much I loved him when he spoke first.

"I'm sorry honey, but I just came here quickly to tell you that I won't be able to go home with you after work today. I've got some extra work to do, but I did ask George to take care of you, alright?"

Before even giving me a chance to sort out my startled thoughts and form a reply he was kissing my forehead swiftly and then he was gone. I heard the door click shut but I didn't turn my head to watch it happen. I was too busy trying to control the familiar prick of pain I felt in my chest and the nauseous feeling I got in my stomach.

After finishing my other shifts of the day, I packed my gear and went looking for George. He wasn't by the car and neither was he waiting for me outside my room so I decided I'd go by Antonio's office and ask him if he knew where George was.

As I approached his office's ajar door, I was about to push it open but then came to an abrupt halt. My ears picked up unsolicited noises coming from inside that made my heart stop beating and my head swim.

I knew the emotion of denial was betraying me when I, hesitantly, my heart starting to beat in my chest in an unreasonable and physically painful speed, peeked through the space between the door and the wall. For an abrupt, shattering moment, my heart stopped beating completely.

No... Oh God... Please... No!

As quietly as I could, I walked backwards, away from that scene, far away, wishing my mind could erase the image it burnt into my brain for the rest of my life. After I was out of the club, in the night's freezing air, I started to feel my throat burn, not as badly as my chest seemed to, but painfully enough and I realized I still wasn't breathing. Taking a swift breath through my nose, a strangled noise arose from my throat as I closed my eyes tightly. Holding myself rigid with my arms tight around myself, I tried hard not to crumble right there.

"Sophie?" Through the fog that was my mind, I heard George call my name and I lifted my head numbly and slowly to see him standing a few feet away from me.

"You okay?" He asked; his voice as concerned as his face.

Was that an act, too? The thought entered my mind, fast and fleeting, without my control.

He frowned. "Antonio told me you needed a ride home. You ready to go?" he inquired as he jingled his car keys in front of my face.

My eyes fastened on the keys. An escape.

Walking to him hurriedly, I snatched the keys from his hand and ignored his shouts of confusion as I ran to his car, opened the driver's door, shut it, locked it; put the keys into the ignition and drove; fast.

I didn't know where I was going and I didn't care. All I knew was that I had to get away from there, I just had to.

The dark scene in front of me blurred with the tears I'd been trying to hold in but then I let them out, I let everything out. I screamed in agony, pain, hatred, regret and anger. My sobs were filled with the same emotions. And my body shook with the force of them. Not able to control myself any longer, I brought the car to a halt by the sidewalk.

Resting my head's intolerable weight on the rest, I closed my eyes tightly and tried to think straight. Then I made a decision and opened my watery eyes.

I would no longer be led by my emotions. I would no longer lie to myself and pretend. I would no longer trust so easily; but most of all, I would no longer sell my soul for others to own and taint its innocence.