Nancy is Knitting

Nancy didn't know what animal to knit. She clicked her needles, she clicked her tongue but she still had no idea. It was a dilemma, what animal could she best represent in woolly form? Don't say woolly mammoth! That's obviously way too obvious. She procrastinated on the internet, clicking the mouse and popping her knuckles but she still didn't know. And then it hit her. If the animal won't come to her, she will go to the animal! She will be one with nature, let her creative spirit roam and soak up the inspiration. Plus, she could finally wear the new welly toppers that she got at Debenhams last January sale.

Off she set, embracing the crisp cold air, on the look-out. Maybe a wood pigeon? Wood pigeons just weren't knittable animals. Its colours are dull and its only points of interest are its funny walk and how much it struggles to stay airborne when flying. Although she could do wonders with two needles and a skew of wool sitting in front of Eastenders, she couldn't quite capture those dynamics in her knitting.

Maybe a magpie or a crow? Actually sod all the birds. Who could understand the fascination with birds? They can fly but we do that too now so we can finally get over them. Yet so many people spend half their lives crouched in uncomfortable positions, missing most of what's around them to stare at some speck in the distance. Those kinds of people were not the type of people Nancy wanted to be knitting for.

Dogs are cute, there are many shapes, colours and sizes. But dogs are so eagre to please, completely undeserving of being called bitches, or dogs, let's not be sexist here. And how could she forget that they lick your face to show affection? She shuddered as forgotten memories of certain men (ok, a certain man) resurfaced. Nancy walked on through the gate into the farm.

Cats? Two words - cat ladies.

What about bats? She hadn't seen any bats but Nancy was of a poetic disposition and bats rhymes with cats so it was the next thing that popped in her mind. The idea of woollen bats just wasn't sinking in.

Horses are such ubiquitous animals, we are so used to them, that we have forgotten how completely ridiculous they look. All the horse's power, beauty and majesty were not about to blind Nancy to the fact that a horse was basically a fat spool with four needles suck in it.

The donkey just wasn't speaking to her.

Sheep have evil eyes which Nancy's medium would be unable to represent and anyway, sheep are incredibly stupid. Her wool had already escaped being on one, it was downright sadistic to condemn it to represent it's shameful past.

Then her eyes fell on a peacock. All the colours in her wool basket, dazzlingly meshing in each other. The proud beak, the stately walk, the crown! It was the bird to shame all others and the bird to make up for all others (if you exclude flamingos, nothing can make up for flamingos). A smile started to lift Nancy's lip when suddenly...what has happened? Was she under a spell and it has now been broken? Was that just a facade of glamour? The peocock had opened its mouth. The voice was loud, jarring and ignorant, it squawked about and jumped indecorously from the ground to the chair to the fence to the tree and then from one tree to the next. It made a scene of itself, completely unaware of how base and common it suddenly looked. It had clearly never even bothered to turn its neck since it was trashing its tail behind it, leaving a trail of feathers stuck on twigs. How could anything be so oblivious and disgracefully uninhibited?

Nancy started walking back home.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Johnny, I know you don't usually go through any of the fan mail, but what about the crazy ones?"

Johnny lifted an eyebrow, "Good crazy?"

"Oh, you wouldn't believe how good!"

Johnny put down the script and leaned back in the armchair. "Go on", he said with a smile.

"Ta ra!"

"What the bloody hell is that? Is it an elephant? A woolly elephant?"

"Oh, this is not just an elephant. It may look pretty, but this, my friend, is a functional object! This is a willy warmer!"