Back In The Day

         Back in the day, there was one thing that Albert Einstein never told a soul. His secret was not only terrible, but also fairly annoying. He kept it hidden in the basement, feeding it nothing except Nutella, for he hated Nutella even more than it, for years. The secret lived with him since he was born and sadly; it outlived him.
         Here we have the diary of Grace Chapley Einstein.
April 18th, 1955.
         At last, I have been rewarded for my patience. My imbecile, genius brother, Albert, had an aneurysm today. It is simply charming to know that said fool is gone. I was euphoric when he was admitted into the hospital yesterday, and now I haven't the words to explain my happiness. I have been imprisoned since I was born, first by my parents, then by Albert. Now I am free. It only took seventy-six years. The only problem is that I do not know what to do with myself anymore. When I was youthful, I had plans of action for when I finally escaped. Now, I am old and tired, and really am not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. I think I will initiate my freedom by preparing the farthest thing from Nutella I can think of.
April 20th, 1955.
         It is Adolf Hitler's birthday today. He died just under ten years ago. I always looked up to that man and nearly had a heart attack when I learned of his death back in '45. Adolf always seemed to know how to make the most of his life. I used to dream about being just like him. I think I'm a bit old for that now and maybe the world needs a little break from dictators. We will see.
April 30th, 1955.
         It is now the tenth anniversary of Adolf's death! I nearly cried when I looked at the calendar this morning. It was such a sad happening, his death. Anyhow, I am starting a list of things I would like to do before I pass away. Here it is:
Punch a Jew
         Rob a liquor store
         Step on an ugly bug
         Read the newspaper
         Get a guard dog
         Paint a mural of a dragon eating Jews
         Steal a trench coat
Now, you must know, this list is not in order. I'd really like to get the trench coat before anything else. It is the key to my guise.
May 9th, 1955.
         Oh joyous day! I saw this old woman walking outside my window today, and golly-gee, she was wearing a trench coat. Now, I am a large man, but that coat would certainly fit the bill. So, I grabbed hold of a broom and smacked the old girly atop her head. Taking the coat, I left her in the mud and went on my way.
         I preceded my stroll downtown and out of the blue came a Jew. He was flaunting his ugliness all about, in his own way. I walked right up to the man, spat on his shoe and gave him a good ol' punch on the noggin'. Off I ran, laughing on my way. The sucker never saw it coming. I had a jolly good time with that.
May 29th, 1955.
         My "bucket list" is coming along so well. I'm truly making the best of my freedom. I haven't had time to write in weeks, but I thought it would be best to go over some of my new achievements. I found a lost cur and by god he's a foul one (and by foul, I mean perfect)! I love him more than any living thing I've ever met. He is such a good boy, that I went so far as to name him Adolf. And guess what Adolf did the other day?! He brought me a newspaper. I have by ideas as to where he got it, seeing that there was a bit of blood on his muzzle and the paper, but that's all the better. So, I got to read up on the news and he had the reward of seeing his master content as can be.
         After getting Adolf, we took a stroll to the liquor store. I handcuffed every person in the establishment and obtained forty pounds of ale. Adolf and I had a nice, boisterous evening, and it truly was splendid. I even have a bit of it left over.
         Today, I "found" some paints outside the neighbor's home, and am already planning my dragon. He will be placed right on my front door, to show my power over this world.
That was Mr. Einstein's installment in his diary. On June 2nd, the old man died. He had finally found his bug to squash, and used his bare hand to kill it. Said bug was actually a wasp, and little did Grace know, he was allergic to wasps. The stinger punctured his hand and he died several hours later, due to refusal to seek medical help. Adolf vigilantly watched Grace's body... until the poor dog ran out of food and was forced to consume the rotting body. Two days later, Adolf feinted from food-poisoning, but luckily, he was found by a concerned policeman and rush to the veterinary clinic.
No one ever found out about Grace Chapley Einstein, but at least Adolf got to live a long, happy life. That is, after three and a half years of conditioning, to repair the damage Grace had inflicted on the dog's psyche. Adolf was renamed Kip and adopted by a homely woman who's only wish in life was to paint flowers and save unwanted pups. Kip lived six more years and produced eight babies, all of which, the homely woman gladly raised.