Unfamiliar Memories

I can hear the faucet dripping from across the room. It would actually be kind of annoying if that wasn’t the only sound in the room. If there were more noise, I would be annoyed. I would have to get up and turn the faucet head all the way to the left to make it stop. But since I have a head injury they’re advising me to stay put. So I don’t move.

Drip.

With every drop a memory pops into my head, but I don’t feel like these are my memories to be reliving. It’s true that I’m in them, but I was a different person before. I was different before all of this. My family stares at me, like their eyes on me will suddenly make me remember everything I’d forgotten. I have to admit that it’s kind of annoying too, to be stared at. For them to act like I should know them. They shouldn’t blame me, because I didn’t just go looking to get in a car accident. I wasn’t looking to get side swiped by someone who wasn’t paying attention.

Drip.

“Do you think that this looks good?” A girl in a blue dress spun in a circle while I sat in a chair off to the side. I tried to smile at her while she talked, to make her think I was paying attention. I think I had other things on my mind, things that were more important than picking out something to wear for the following day. I shrugged and gave her advice on what to add to the dress to make it a complete outfit. For some reason I knew she always came to me for these things, but I couldn’t remember why. It was just this overwhelming feeling of being sure. I was positive that she always did. Even though I didn’t remember her name.

“Don’t you get tired of doing this every day? Doesn’t it get a little old...?” I knew I said her name after that, but it was like someone placed a glass case around me, and I didn’t catch it. My brain wasn’t going to let me remember her name, or anything else. This was just me reliving something from my life, but I felt like a total outsider. I was a stranger in my own mind.

She pursed her lips, crossing her arms at me. “No, but it seems like you do. Look, I know you have values about not being materialistic and everything, but I like clothes ok? They soothe me,” Her smile was dazzling, and her eyes were bright. But then there was something behind all of that too. I could see past the glare of her blue eyes and into the sadness that she withheld. It made me pull my jacket around my ribs tighter, almost until I couldn’t breathe. The girl turned away from me to stare at herself in the mirror. I couldn’t tell if she knew that I’d seen something I shouldn’t have right away.

“I’ve never cared about any of that, but I’m glad to help you out...”

Drip.

The memory faded back into reality, and it was slipping through the cracks in my vision. I wanted to grab at it, to get it back but, it was already gone. I tightened my hands around my bed sheets. It was like this most of the time. I was going in and out of memories, but I wasn’t claiming them as my own. I was just an audience member when I relived one of them. That girl had been a part of many of them, so I assumed she was my best friend. It’s a little ironic when you remember that someone is your friend when you can’t even remember your own name. My name is on my white hospital bracelet, but I don’t want to look at it. I know I won’t recognize it.

I’m trying to remember, I really am. I don’t want to disappoint the people who say they’re my family but, I’m not making any progress. Would they blame me for that? Would I blame myself for not giving them that? My eyes fall on the sink, and I see a little drop of water starting to form on the edge. I know that it’s going to fall soon, but I can never tell when. Sometimes I’ll make a game out of it, count the seconds until it hits the drain. When the water falls, I follow it all the way to its demise.

Drip.

“I think you should go talk to him after he’s finished playing.” That same girl buttoned her trench coat as she said that. There was a guy playing guitar on the sidewalk, and some people were standing around him. He was singing too, I think. He wasn’t looking at anyone really, because his focus was on his fingers. He was determined to play everything right, strike every chord with the same precision. I took a five dollar bill out of my pocket and began to walk. I bent down and dropped it into his case.
His eyes shot up to meet mine for a few long seconds. He wasn’t smiling, but his eyes were on fire with a certain passion. His eyes were smiling, and I couldn’t help but smile back. I straightened up and walked back to my materialistic best friend. She gave me a knowing smile, but I knew I wasn’t going to give anything away. Why couldn’t I remember her name? Of all the things to forget, I had to let that slip away from me. “There you go, I walked up to him.”
She shook my shoulders until I was dizzy. “That doesn’t count. Did you see the way he looked at you?” She was so enthusiastic I thought that she might want to go talk to him, but she didn’t make any indications that she was going to.
I wrinkled my forehead. “With disdain?”
She rolled her eyes. “No. Interest. You know, you have to stop using big words around people. They won’t know what you’re talking about.”
“That wasn’t a big word, and besides, it’s not like he was going to--”
“Hey.” An unfamiliar voice made the other me turn. It looked like I was at a loss for words, which seemed appropriate. He was smiling brightly at me, and it matched the fire in his eyes.
“Um, yeah. I just remembered I gotta go pick up something, I’ll see you later.” My friend waved before I could even say anything. My guess was that she wanted to leave me alone with this guy so we could talk. It seemed considerate, but part of me watching the memory thought it was just short of rude. My gaze stayed on her until she turned the corner. The guy came around to where I could see him.
“Was I interrupting something important?”
My cheeks heated, and I was sure they were bright red. “No, of course not! It’s fine, she does that sometimes.” I waved my hand like it was nothing, but as I was watching myself relive this experience, I knew I was lying. There was something about my face that gave it away. I had a tell, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was.
He adjusted the strap on his guitar case that was slung across his back. “I feel like she was just trying to give you space but, oh well. It’s not my business anyway,” He held his hand out to me and I took it, “I’m Liam.”
Drip.
I sat up slowly when everything came back into focus. I felt the bandage on my forehead, and decided to get up to go look at it. The mirror was huge compared to my frail body. My arms were bruised, and so were my legs. Having amnesia wasn’t too fun. I felt around the tender parts of my face, heaving a sigh. “Who are you…?” I heard a scuff on the tile, so I snapped my head in that direction. There was a guy standing there, and he looked just as surprised as I felt.
“I must have the wrong room, I’m sorry.” He flipped his platinum blonde hair, and a shy smile formed on his lips. He was wearing burgundy Vans, gray skinny jeans, and this washed out blue shirt. I had no idea who he was, but he seemed nice enough.
“Wait,” I reached out for him, but I lost my balance. His pale eyes widened, and he caught me before I fell on my face. He quickly put me upright and stepped away.
“I guess I should introduce myself then,” He held his hand out to me in the same way Liam had in one of the memories; “I’m Garett.”
“I’m uh…I’m sorry. I have amnesia so I don’t really remember a whole lot…” I extended my hand, calmly shaking and then putting it back at my side. My gown was pretty short, so I tried not to move around too much. I felt very self-conscious right now, and I’m sure he could tell.
“I don’t think you should have to apologize for that, it wasn’t your fault was it?” He leaned against the doorframe, his expression faraway. He was deep in thought about something, but I couldn’t tell what.
“I was in a car accident, and it jacked up my brain. I was driving and someone hit me…and then they drove away.” Tears welled up in my eyes. I’d been told this story so many times it almost seemed real. There was something I did remember though, about the accident. Garett stared at me for a long time, trying to read my face.
Drip.
I was on my way to school that morning in my car. I’d offered to take my best friend to school with me, but she stayed home a little longer to find something to wear. It was the first day of our senior year, and we intended to make it our best year. The radio was loud, and I was a little distracted. I was at a four way stop, and I was sure there wasn’t anyone coming. I pulled out slowly and then I saw it. There was a black car, and it wasn’t showing any signs of stopping. I was too late. I couldn’t stop.
I felt metal slam into my side of the car, and I screamed. My car was smashed in on one side. The next thing I know everything turns black, and tires squeal away. When I came to there was blood everywhere. My arm was cut up pretty bad, and my forehead was bleeding profusely. It was my blood. I couldn’t remember how I’d gotten here, or where I’d been going. I didn’t know much of anything, except that the smell of iron was strong. I couldn’t tell whether it was from my totaled car or my blood. I kept blacking out, but I fought against passing out. I heard sirens in the distance, but they seemed so far away from here. Were they coming for me?
I tried to get out of the car, but one of my shoes was caught. I cut off my seatbelt with my pocket knife and wriggled my way out of my left shoe. I smelled gasoline, and that was when I began to worry. It was a struggle just to move an inch, but I gritted my teeth, determined to keep going. I pushed open the passenger door with all my strength, but my vision was fading. My head was pounding because I was trying to remember how this happened. I was trying to remember who I was, who I could possibly call to help me. I was drawing a blank on every possible thing to do. I pulled my body forward, but my elbows buckled when I got my legs out. I rotated but I couldn’t catch myself in time. My head smacked the concrete.
Drip.
I was suddenly catapulted back into the present, and I gripped the sink to make sure it was real. “Are you ok? You looked gone for a minute…” Garett reached his hand out to me, but drew it back at the last second. He’d thought better about touching me. I rubbed my head. That memory was the most frequent one that I saw, so I didn’t think it should bother me that much. But it did. It terrified me. If someone hadn’t dragged me out of my car after I passed out I would’ve died. They told me that my car exploded about a minute after they dragged me out. I didn’t know who saved me, just that they had more integrity than I could ever hope of obtaining.
I nodded slowly. “I apologize…I get flashbacks a lot.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Do you want to tell me about them? I can sit for a while if you like. I don’t mind.” Garett led me over to my hospital bed to make sure I didn’t fall over on my way there. After I sat at the top of the bed he made sure to sit at the very edge. “Ok, now tell me about them. I want to know,” he smiled.
I blinked a few times. “Well…I see my memories. It’s kind of like an out of body experience, like a movie I’m watching. Whenever someone’s name is said, I can’t hear it. I don’t even know my own name…and I’m not sure I want to know. They’re my memories, and I’m in them but, I don’t claim them as my own. I don’t feel like they belong to me, that I’m just a spectator in all of this. The one I just had is the only one I feel that is real. It was right before and after the crash. The last thing I remember is smacking my head on the concrete.”
Garett folded his hands together in his lap while he tried to process what I said to him. Finally he gazed at me, his blue eyes bright. His hair fell over them slightly, but every now and then he would flip his hair to make sure he could see. It seemed like a reflex. “That sounds awful. You know your name is on that bracelet, but if I’m interpreting this right, you don’t want to look at it, do you?” When I shook my head he nodded. “Ok, you see your memories, but you don’t remember them.”
“That’s true. I haven’t told anyone else about them. I’m afraid that I’ll let them down. They want me to remember, my family. They want the old me back, but to tell you the truth, I can’t remember any of them.” I threw my hands up in the air, like that was going to solve anything. Why people made that gesture was beyond me.
Garett closed his eyes, deep in thought. “Are you scared that they won’t…accept you as you are now?” He asked.
“Yes.” It was the first time I’d ever been asked that question, and it made me feel more exposed than I ever had. Or that I ever remembered. He still had that shy smile on his face that made me feel more at ease. He was nervous that he would say something stupid and embarrass himself. I wasn’t too worried about any of that, because I liked having him here, even if he said something stupid. It would make me feel better. It would make me laugh. The fact that I was feeling all of these things made me think about that guy and the guitar. I pushed the thought away. All I needed to focus on was this conversation.
“I accept you as you are now.” He said.
I furrowed my brow. “But you’re a stranger,” I shook my head.
“Well so is everyone else right?”
I held in a laugh. “Very funny Garett.”
He crossed his arms in triumph. “You see, that’s what I was going for…shoot I don’t know you’re name. Do you mind if I look…? Or would that bother you?” His question made me go silent. I wanted him to know, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to know. What if he accidently said it out loud? Where would we be then? I nodded and he took my wrist. His hand was warm around my cool skin, and he seemed to take notice. “Your skin is…cold.” He drew back, but it didn’t seem like he wanted to. I didn’t think I wanted him to either.
“I can’t know my name…I don’t want to.” I bit my lip.
He crossed his legs, almost to where they brushed mine. “Ok…then I’ll make up a nickname for you. How about…L?” His optimism made me grin. I hadn’t had company like this since I’d been here. They were all solemn and cried when I couldn’t call them by name. I knew that it hurt them, but I couldn’t recall. I couldn’t force myself to. “Why are you smiling at me like that…?” Garett asked softly.
I let my smile fade. “I don’t know….I just like that name. It’s fitting. I’m experiencing all these new feelings…well they feel new. I’m sure that I’ve had them before but I feel so different now. I feel new.”
He let out a soft laugh. “I’ve never heard amnesia described like that. I like it,” Garett took my hands in his, which made me gasp. His laughter was more pronounced now. “What? Has no guy ever done this before? Am I the first?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Oh yeah…that’s right. Sorry. I suppose that I am the first…that you recall.”
“I do remember this guy...well a little. He’s in my memories, and his name is Liam. I don’t know if anything came of it but he seemed nice. You know, you’re the first person that hasn’t cried or hugged me when they came in here.” I squeezed his hands, and he returned it. The way his face was lit up made my stomach knot. He made me nervous, but I wasn’t quite sure why.
“That’s a shame that you remember him…because I was hoping that I wouldn’t have anyone to compete with. You wanna know something?”
“Tell me.”
“I don’t usually go looking to pick up girls in hospitals. This has really got to be a first for me. I met you totally by chance, and it’s gonna be hard to stay away from you. I want to help you with your memory. I don’t know if it’ll ever come back, but I like talking to you. The way you think about things is interesting.” Garett let go of my hands to fix his hair.
I shrugged. “I don’t know if this is the way I used to think, but I’d like to believe it wasn’t. I want to be someone different, not this person that my family wants back. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be the old me. I—“
“Hey…whoa who is that?” My best friend came in with two drinks, but stopped dead in her tracks. Garett slid around to face her, and his face fell. He’d wanted to talk to me longer without anyone else around, but it seemed as though that wasn’t going to happen.
“I should probably go…I’ll see you sometime ok? Maybe tomorrow,” He gave me a knowing look, and it held a little mischief. It was like a secret we had to keep, and I liked that. Only we knew what we’d talked about, and I was fine with that. Garett slid past my friend with a small hello, and then he was gone. I’d wanted to talk to him longer too, but he was already down the hall by now. I wish I’d gotten more than his name.
“So…who was he and why haven’t you said anything?” She gave me a sly smile, like she knew I was trying to hide something. I really didn’t have anything to hide form here, because what Garett and had talked about was innocent. It was a simple conversation.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. He came in here by accident so we talked for a little bit. His name is Garett. He was nice to me,” It was the most basic explanation that I could come up with. It was true that he hit on me a few times, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. Part of me didn’t want to share it with anyone.


I put on a black shirt with a scoop neckline and some gray sweatpants. I didn’t want to wear the gown today. After all the regular testing on me was over with I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil. I sat down at the table by the window and began to sketch. Before I knew it I recognized what I was drawing. It was a sketch of Garett. I had no idea I had any artistic ability, I just wanted to doodle. “Well, isn’t that a sight to see.” Garett’s voice made me jump. He came up behind me and squeezed my shoulder.
I turned a little. “Hi.”
“Whoa, is that me? That’s really good. I look better on paper honestly.” He laughed and set down two cups of coffee.
“I had no idea I had any artistic ability whatsoever.” I dropped my pencil and stood up next to him. He pulled out one of the cups and handed it to me. I took and sip thinking about the way it tasted. The hot liquid slid down my throat, and I sighed. “This is really good.”
“It’s just coffee I got from down the street. Nothing too major but…I thought that I’d get it anyway. So, what do you want to do today?” Garett came around slowly to face me. He was a few inches taller than me, which I hadn’t noticed before. I looked up at him for a minute, studying his face. “What?” He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.
“I don’t know….I don’t remember ever feeling this way.” I shook my head at him when he smiled.
“Of course not. That’s why I’m going to stay for a while.” Garett stepped away from me, so that we had a good distance between us. I could breathe again. I grabbed the piece of paper I was working on and held it up in comparison to him. He stood still as I looked from the drawing to him.
“Oh….I don’t know. It still needs work.”
“L, do you want me to go out and get more supplies for you? I can go there and be back in half an hour.” Garett suggested.
I gave him a weird look. “Why are you doing this for me?”
He shrugged and came closer. His fingers brushed my arm, and I shivered. “Because I like you, L. I think you deserve to be happy if they’re going to keep you in this antiseptic prison. I’ve always hated hospitals but if you’re here, then that makes them bearable.”
“I like you too.”
The corner of his mouth turned up into a smile as he leaned down. My breath caught when he kissed me. He was careful not to grip my arms too tight, because of all the bruising. His fingers brushed my jaw when he pulled away. “Now is that a yes or a no?” He whispered. His eyes danced across my face, searching for something. I had no idea what he was wanting to find, or if it would be there. When I nodded he kissed me again. “I’ll be back soon.” Garett stepped away towards the door, and his eyes didn’t leave mine until he was gone. I put my fingers to my lips.
He kissed me just now. I hadn’t expected anything like that to happen, because I just met him yesterday. Could something like love really happen that fast? I went to the mirror, and stared at my reflection for a long time. I wasn’t ugly, but I wasn’t stunning either. Freckles dusted my nose, and my eyes were just a plain shade of brown. My hair was brown too, but with a red orange tint in the sun. That was why I never dyed my hair, because I didn’t want to lose the tint. But how did I know that? How did I remember that when I couldn’t even remember my own family? The swelling was gone in my face, revealing my high cheekbones that I always admired.
It was like looking at a different person, or like I was really seeing myself for the first time. “My name is….my name is…L. Yeah, my name is L.” I wrinkled my nose a little. I liked that name, the one Garett had given me. I felt like it fit me, and that I didn’t need my old name anymore. I was a new person now, and I was going to embrace it. My eyes fell on the faucet, and the water that was about to drip out. I was too late. I watched it as it fell.
Drip.
I was in my car again. It was the same day, the day of my accident. The same song was blaring out of my speakers, and I had the same expression on my face. I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn’t tell the me that was driving that. All I could do was wait for it to happen. I had to relive it whether I wanted to or not. The other me came to the stop sign, and I saw her look from left to right, and then left again. It was a reflex, something everyone did. We were taught to do that at crosswalks, anytime when we were going to cross the street. The other me put her foot on the gas.
The black car sped right through the sign, and I screamed. The other me slammed on the brakes, but it was already happening. The grinding of the two cars, the groaning of the metal. Sparks flew, and tires squealed. It was happening again. The car was driving away and leaving the other me for dead. It was black for a few moments, but I knew it had to be longer than that. The other me woke up, her shoe was stuck, and her blood was everywhere. I knew that she wanted so desperately to get out. I knew that she had no idea what any of this was, or how she’d ended up here. She couldn’t remember who she was. That was the thing that scared her the most.
She cut off her seatbelt with the same blue pocket knife from the console, and she wriggled out of her left shoe. The smell of iron and gasoline was beginning to give me a headache. It was mixing together, and I knew that the car was going to catch on fire soon. It was inevitable. Her breath was labored, and I watched her as she opened the passenger door. There was no one else around to help, no one to save her. She had to save herself. Her elbows were weak, they couldn’t support her weight. They bent, and her head smacked the concrete again. Blackness enveloped me, as well as the other me that was in the car.
Drip.
Everything came back so fast I gripped my head to make it stop. All the things around me were so blurry I couldn’t think straight. I knew I was about to pass out, and there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop it. My breathing was short, panicked almost. I couldn’t fight it anymore. My back hit the wall, and I slid to the floor, unconscious.


When I woke up Garett was sitting in the chair by the window, staring at my drawing. He looked horrified, his face was so pale. I didn’t say anything for a minute, because my head was pounding. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. “What happened?” I rubbed my eyes.
His head snapped in my direction, and relief washed over his face. He came to me in one swift motion. Garett took my hands and kissed them. “That scared the hell out of me, L. When I found you…you were slumped on the floor by the sink. What were you doing?” His voice was light, careful.
I shook my head as I entwined my fingers in his. “I was looking at my reflection and then…I got a flashback. When everything went back to normal I passed out. I tried to stay awake but…I couldn’t.”
“It’s good that you knew you were about to pass out but…I was so worried. I dropped everything, and it was actually a little embarrassing. I made a mess. I think the nurse laughed at me…” Garett glanced over at the door, and took his hands away from mine. I saw my family walk in, four of them in all. “Should I go?” He whispered.
“I don’t want you to, but it might be a good idea. I’ll walk you out.” Garett helped me stand, and then I calmly walked past my family. As we were going down the hall I realized that I didn’t have socks on, and the tile was freezing. “I’m sorry that I frightened you.”
Garett turned and touched my side. “It wasn’t your fault…so you don’t need to apologize to me. I’m going to give you something though,” He pulled a pen out of his pocket and wrote a series of numbers on the area just below where my thumb connected to my hand. “It’s my number. You can call me anytime you want to talk.”
“Wait, you’re not coming anymore?”
He let out a soft laugh. “I’ll still come, but this is for the times when I’m not here and you need someone to talk to. Based on the assumption that you haven’t told your family about any of your flashbacks.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I’ll see you later, L.”
He tried to slip away but I grabbed his hand before he could. Garett turned, a little confused. I touched the edge of his jaw, kissing him before he could say anything. “I’ll talk to you soon.” He nodded and let out a sigh. I felt him turn on his heel and walk towards the elevator. I made my way back to my room, where my family was waiting for me.
“Who was that boy? How do you know him?” The woman that says she’s my mom asked as I sat back down.
I shrugged. “His name is Garett. I met him yesterday.” That was the only explanation that I felt like giving. I didn’t want to tell them that I liked him, but I was sure that they already knew that.


I kept having dreams about the accident, but it felt different every time. Like it was the same story, but little things about it were different. I had dreams about that Liam guy, about the relationship that we had. I was seeing all of these things, but none of it seemed real. I couldn’t remember who I was, and I still wasn’t claiming any of these memories. I didn’t know if or when I’d know who I was. That thought was a little depressing. I tried to make the sink stop dripping, because of the sound of the water droplets hitting the drain triggered a flashback. Every time was the same.
I was getting released tomorrow, but I wasn’t quite sure I was strong enough yet. The doctors told my mother that they didn’t know if I’d ever remember, and she cried. She sobbed until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to leave the room to get my bearings. When I came back her eyes were swollen and bloodshot, and that made me feel guilty. All she wanted was to have her daughter back, and I couldn’t give her that. And the part that made me feel the worst about it was, I wasn’t sure I was ever going to remember either. I couldn’t give her what she wanted.
For the past few days they’ve been preparing me to leave the hospital. They told me that I might have a little case of post-traumatic stress disorder, but that was to be expected. My family has been informing me about our house, and my room. My older brother came home just for this occasion. He told me that he and I were always close before he went off to college. He was twenty now, or so he told me. He had the same freckles I did, but they suited him better. He told me his name was Christofer. I didn’t remember him, but I suppose that was to be expected too. He didn’t take it as hard as the rest of my family did. If he cried about it, he never did it in front of me.
My other sisters, they were twins. They were both freshman in high school. Their names were Lily and Katrina. They were both very pretty, and they had tiny conversations in the corner of the room. Probably talking about me, and how I couldn’t remember them either. For now though, they were talking about exams they were going to be taking on Monday. That was tomorrow. I wanted to call Garett, because I kinda missed him. I bit my thumb to keep from grabbing the phone. It seemed rude to want to call another person while my family was around, especially a boy. I had to learn a lot of things over again, and manners was one of them. Of course I picked a lot of it up on my own, but sometimes they whispered in my ear that what I did wasn’t polite. I was tentative about doing things on my own now.
When I was getting my things ready to go home the next day I went over to the art supplies on the table. It was a brown sack with things like pencils and a sketchbook. I pulled it out and stared at the black cover. When I opened it I saw a note in slanted handwriting addressed to me.


To L,
So I bought this for you. You probably won’t read this for a few days so I hope I’m not here when you do. Letters seem more genuine when the person who wrote it to you isn’t around. It makes you think more, smile more. Anyway, I hope that you like the things I got you…I’ve got a good feeling about the two of us. We just might amount to something.
With Love,
Garett