Beast Inside of Me

Beast Inside of Me

(999 excluding title.)

I was strolling through the park. It was August. It was fall and I was wearing more than the necessary clothing. I even had on a hat to hide my face. Now why would I hide my face from people? They don't even know what's wrong with me? Well I’m ashamed. I was ashamed of me, my parents, my very existence.

I forget why I was even out that day. Anyway I got caught in the rain and the wind. Most people who were out that day started walking faster, some even ran. But not I, no amount of running will get me away from me. The weather didn't make me feel any better. I admit I started to cry. It started low then it grew until it fell out of me in tears. I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't blame anyone. My parents were dead from the same thing I'm about to die from. I couldn't get out, get away, or just stop. If there was something out there I really hoped it heard me. I just looked up at the sky because the ground was where I was going anyway. I remember thinking anyone, anything, please. The fact was I didn't really know what I wanted at that moment. But the sky was getting darker and ignoring my pleas. I don't know how long I stood there with my face to the sky, tears and rain mixing on my face.

I must have stood there for a long time because the wind got so strong it blew my hat away. My hat, I’m so glad I was wearing it that day. I wasn't in the mood for catching dumb hats that day. So when I looked down to find it the wind had already taken it. Tired, cold, and wet I decided to follow my hat because I had nothing better to do. I must have followed it a while because the rain stopped, people stopped rushing even though it was still windy, and people started watching me follow my hat. It got cornered against a wall at which point I thought my little escapade was over. I bent over, not by much as I was already halfway there given what I was feeling, but a gust of wind took my hat and tossed in the air. I stood there and watched it fall into the most beautiful pair of hands. Suddenly came to my mind the words, if you like it then you should put a ring on it.

"Is this yours?" she asked.

What I meant to say was yes. But what came out was, "Boy, I'd sure like to marry you but you probably won't."

She was obviously shocked and so was I.

"Yes," I said quickly, "that is my hat."

She smiled handing me my hat. "Why don't we start with a date?"

"Yes," I said. "How about tonight?"

"Tonight," she agreed. "7 o'clock at the King's Crab."

She took my hat. She didn’t bring it that night but it hardly mattered. We ate, talked, and had a great time. Her name was Miranda. I wish I could remember everything but all I could hear in my head were the words to a song, “…it’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do, hey baby, I think I want to marry you.” We met again at the King’s Crab.

After our third date she let me walk her home. We stood on her doorstep the way couples do when they get close. We both looked at each other and I knew what was coming. She was already moving toward me. Right then I remembered who I was and realized I couldn’t do this to her. So I stopped her. I wanted so much to but I couldn’t. I shook her hand, yes, I shook her hand.

“Good night, Miranda,” I said quietly and left with my heart heavier than the world on Atlas’s shoulders.

“Good night,” I heard her say.

I knew that it was going to happen. For the first time in my life I was happy. I had forgotten about what I am. But I wasn’t going to destroy her, even if I wanted to marry her from the first moment I saw her. I decided I wasn’t going to let it continue. I picked up the phone and realized that I didn’t actually have her number. The only alternative I had was to avoid it all together. So I got myself a new hat.

I was strolling through the park. The rain had just stopped. I wasn’t sad. I was decided. I wanted to marry her, but I couldn’t. She wanted to kiss me, but I couldn’t. More than ever I wished I was some beast because at least then I wouldn’t have to be stuck the way I was, unable to say anything. The wind howled the same as when she first caught my hat. But the wind didn’t take my hat this time.

Someone yelled, “Catch that hat!”

I looked up and the hat hit me in the face. Even though my hands were gloved I knew it was my hat. Then she was standing in front of me. She was just as beautiful as when I first saw her.

"Is this yours?" I asked.

"Boy,” she said, “I'd sure like to marry you but you probably won't.”

Her face was wet, it wasn’t from the rain. I looked at her for the longest time.

“No,” I said, “I won’t.”

I gave her the hat.

“Henry, wait,” she pleaded. “At least tell me why.”

I stopped, I turned, and I looked at her for what eternity was kind enough to give me
.
“Boy, I’d sure like to marry you,” I said. “But—“

“I probably would,” she said.

“No,” I said, “you won’t.”

“Why not?”

I couldn’t lie, not to her.

“I am HIV positive.”

She looked at me and I looked at her.