Safeway Rebel

I'm not certain if it's a good thing to write while you're discontent or emotional, or just plain old grouchy...It makes me feel like I'm rolling up my writing into one big mass of negativity and pity parties, you know? Then that usually leads to tearing, crumpling, or deleting, and I've really been trying to kick that habit. I guess I feel that I'm being absurd when I reread my rants later on, and to such an extreme that I convince myself they don't deserve to exist another day.

But writing about my "problems" does happen to give me some small amount of satisfaction or comfort. It seems to calm me down. So maybe I'll just keep going and then lock myself out of rereading it for the sake of not deleting. So why am discontent? Basically because I really don't want to work at Safeway for the rest of my life as a deli clerk. Sorry Safeway, but I'd really like to have a life... I want a successful career that I'll love. The problem is that I have all the passions for careers that don't make diddely-squat salary-wise. UNLESS! You're very very good at what you're doing, enough so to be noticed, and or you're a blazing social light and have collected connections like I've collected books.

I love the arts: I've been drawing since I can remember, and though I also love writing, I have to say that I see more potential in the arts for me. But what field of art can I enter into that would pay well and that I'll enjoy? Apparently 3D animators have high wage-potential; the only question is, would I truly enjoy it? There's only one way to find out of course, and I have been doing my research on what is required and expected... (Basically a lot of school, expensive school, albeit, but that's a given), but I really don't want to jump into school just to find out that the major I've chosen isn't for me and waste more money and time switching courses. I'd also probably have to move to California or somewhere like that if I really wanted a good shot at a high position/wages, which I don't think I'd have a problem with excluding the fact that the cost of living is more expensive there.

I think I almost prefer pencil over computer though. However, 2D animators don't make as much as 3D animators as far as I know ...See? I'm in all sorts of messes here. I really just need a starting point. Something that will let me venture down avenues that will snag my interest in one direction or another. And I'm afraid Safeway doesn't exactly allow for that sort of expansion. The most art I get to create there is the window advertisements, and swirlies I make with mustard on sandwiches...Its just rather frustrating is all, and worrisome. I really don't want to be stuck in a minimum wage job for the rest of my life. I've already graduated from both high school and college with an Associates of Arts degree (that was last year: Running Start). It's difficult seeing people you were in college with going onto universities and whatnot, while you stay back, just trying to stay afloat. Albeit, most of those students have the help and support from their families and parents, whilst I do not. Well... not anymore, but that's an entirely different story.

I keep telling myself that I'm doing the right thing; not jumping into school with uncertainties about my career choice. But now I feel like it's just an excuse. And I'm afraid: what if I never get over my uncertainties and I never move forward? What's to stop me from convincing myself I'm being smart about this, and to keep making excuses? And that's probably what scares me the most...that there isn't anything to stop me---but me.