Lessons for Parents: Part 1

Lessons for parents

When I was younger, my mom made me share everything with my sister. On many occasions we had to share one cup of juice -not that we were out of juice or didn't have any cups- it's just what my mom did. We had to share the same bedroom (for most of my childhood). We had to share toys, which was not bad until my sister wanted the same one i had. We had to share clothes, and we even had to share shower time until I was twelve. Now my mom was an only child -lucky her- and she didn't know what it was like to have a sibling. She admitted this on several occasions. When she admitted it though, was only when she tried to tell us to appreciate each other. Now I'm older and my mom has two toddlers again that are pretty close in age. They're a little closer in age than me and my sister were, and now my mom is doing the same thing to them. This made me realize something and I just wanted to share it with the world, and with everybody else who may be parenting multiple siblings or is one of the siblings.

When my sister- let's call her Joe- and i were younger, we had hundreds of toys. As do my two toddler sisters- let's call them Mickey and Ashley. From these hundreds of toys, of course everyone is going to have their favorite. Mickey's favorite just so happens to be a pony. Now picture you in your room, grabbing your favorite toy off the top of the box and grabbing his friend off the floor (that's how kids think). You're walking out to the living room to play out a dramatic scene on the cliff (the arm of the couch), and just as they're about to fight to the death - your sister comes out of nowhere and interrupts because she wants one! Of course you tell her no because you're trying to play with your favorite toy and her best friend (forget the fact that they were just about to fight to the death -the mermaid was going to rescue her anyway and make them friends again). Then Mom comes in and takes one! She gives it right to your sister even though you just told her she couldn't have it! you think: Who's gonna be the best friend now?? It's even worse when Mom let you have the best friend and took your favorite toy instead!! Why does she get it- it's YOUR favorite! you were playing with it first!

These are the thoughts that the toddlers have. They can't exactly reason out WHY it's not fair, but they know that it's NOT fair. This just happened to my sisters Mickey and Ashley today. Mickey has two toys -one being her favorite and the other being the first's friend- and Ashley demands one of the toys. Mom only knew that Ashley was crying and that Mickey wasn't giving her a toy. So Mom comes in and tells Mickey to hand over one of her toys- when Mickey doesn't Mom takes one right from her and hands it to Ashley!
STOP.
This is wrong
They have a hundred toys, and Mickey doesn't have to give up her stuff. Ashley just needs to go look for her own instead of trying to copy. So don't go telling Mickey that it's not fair that she has two and Ashley doesn't- It's plenty fair! It would be fair if she had 10 or 20! Because there are 80 or 90 other toys to pick from!

Now with Joe and I, I was forced to "share" whenever my sister decided she wanted something. This means that whenever she wanted something -she got it. Or at least she acted that way. With me being forced to give things up and her being allowed to take what she wanted, I turned into the possessive person I am today. And my sister? She turned into a demanding bitch that acted like she owned the place when she was not even 15. Not only that, but she also was inconsiderate and acted like she owned the place. So I wanted her OUT of my room. She played music very loudly EVERY DAY, she left her stuff lay around in a big mess which mom would then get sick of and make us BOTH clean. I tripped over her stuff in our bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen.. I couldn't relax in my own room because of her constant loud music or late phone calls. she "borrowed" my stuff. She constantly took my clothes without even asking -her reasoning was "mom says we need to share." This became very frustrating for me.

When I brought it to my mom, she thought we could talk it out. Come on! If we couldn't do that by ourselves we you're not gonna help by "talking." I came to you so you could drop the hammer!

I got sick of all the unfairness. I slowly stopped talking to my mom when I was 11. I know what you're thinking- that I'm some horrible, unruly, ungrateful child. Well i thought that at this point she wasn't even trying to understand when i was explaining myself to her. I felt like I wasn't good enough because I was always getting yelled at over my sister. My sister got me in trouble and I was mad at her. I remember one time I was supposed to sit in the chair -I don't remember why but i remember that it was completely and totally her fault. She comes up really close to me and stares at me.. So I kicked her. I was so mad. Like she knows I don't like her that close to me, and she deliberately does it right after she gets me in trouble. I know i shouldn't have, but honestly when Mom won't punish people for doing wrong you start feeling like you need to do it yourself as like a form of self defense. Any way, I started staying in my room more. I don't know why, but Joe got worse.

I don't want Mickey and Ashley to turn out to be like me and Joe. They will fight and they will hate each other. I can tell my sister she is wrong, i get a "shut the fuck up Dez." I'm thinking specifically of the time that she was talking to my grandmother and gave her attitude because my grandma didn't hear her. Joe said "Jesus Christ, are you DEAF?!" and I looked at her and said "She IS deaf." My grandma needs hearing aids and my sister was in the other side of the house when she said that to my grandmother.

A TIP: If a parent is observant enough, he/she will realize something among their children. As you observe your child's behavior you will come to recognize patterns, habits, and certain ticks. These same things are constantly being observed by the other siblings too. If you truly want to be able to understand what is going on in their head and be able to discipline them when needed, you need to be able to recognize these habits and patterns. It will make you almost like a mind reader- you will even be able to predict what they will do before they THINK about doing it! This is the technique that kids use to get each other in trouble and get under each other's skin without getting caught. They even do it to you -the parent. If not to get under your skin than to predict how you will react according to each situation. It sounds complex, but it's really not. All you have to do is watch and you will start learning.

As you can see I have some reason to be angered whenever I see a parent trying to enforce "sharing" in this way. When teaching your child sharing, or anything for that matter, you should first consider ALL sides of the situation and ALL possible outcomes. You must also consider that maybe what you're teaching isn't really "sharing." You should first think in terms of "I'm teaching this wrong because..." and if you can't think of any good reason to go along with that than you're good ;)