Out Of Place

Secrets of a family unfold and validate Camilla's emotions

It has been so long since Camilla has returned to this place. Standing on the docks watching the boats come in. She inhales the salt air, while her hair dampens from the mist and the slight breeze. The unexpected death of her mother leaves her to ponder back in time. It was not her intention to stay away from home this long. Camilla had dreams that she wanted to follow and life had a way of steering you in other directions sometimes.

With her hands in her pockets she turned around to walk back to the house. The dreaded reunion with her brother and two sisters. They have always thought she was odd and Camilla became the out cast very quickly. It didn't matter that she was twenty five years old. They all still see her as the nineteen year old that left home without a return. As she walked up the pathway leading to the front door she could hear them laughing. Unsure of what was so funny she walked in, expecting to join in on the joke. Instead everyone stopped and the room was silent. A sense of awkwardness filled the room.

“Hey guys, what is so funny? I could hear you laughing down the driveway.” Camilla glanced quickly at them all, waiting for someone to repeat what was so hysterical. Everyone just looked at each other and then looked down at their feet.

“Okay, I guess I was wrong. Nothing to tell huh?” She was not going to give in to their benighted behavior, so she went to the kitchen to start making sandwiches and ice tea.

Mom would have made this ice tea yesterday from scratch. The sandwiches would of been fresh from the butcher, not from a shelf at the grocery store.

“Hey kiddo. How was your trip coming here? I bet you were anxious to get out of the city huh?”

Camilla didn't respond right away. As she was cutting the lemon she hesitated¨with frustration before turning around. “I love the city Jack. My trip was great, I did miss the boat rides and seeing this place again brought a certain warmth to my heart. Is that what you want to here Jack?” Her voice was full of sarcasm.

“Camilla I was just...”

Camilla cut him off instantly with some built up anger that she had to release some how. “Listen Jack, I know how you all feel about me. I know you all think I deserted the family and I made stupid choices in life. I know you think I should have stayed here with mom and looked after her. There is no way I am going to apologize for any of it.”

“Okay, whoa. Calm down. I was trying to make conversation here. I wasn't judging, but you make it very difficult to be warm when you walk around with this defense game face on all the time.”

“Well maybe it would be nice if I received at least one call a year and not just the one to tell me my mother died.” At that point Camilla dropped what she was doing and went out to the backyard. She sat on a bench that her father built for her mother. Tears falling without her control. Camilla didn't want them to stop either, they felt vindicated. A relief of so much hurt from so long ago. Nobody will ever know and nor would they believe her. This was her own complicated story. One that none of them would understand.

Camilla always felt the estranged feelings from her mother. She never doubted her mother's love for her but there was always a remark that she didn't see coming. Lost in thoughts from years ago Camilla gets swallowed in remembering her mother's words.

“Camilla, I don't know where you got such curly and wild hair from. You didn't get it from my side of the family, and I don't remember your father's side having such brittle hair either. You most certainly are your own breed.”

“Why are you wearing a skirt? Your legs are too skinny. Where in heavens did I get a child so skinny?”

These were always mother's remarks. She never went out of her way to compliment anything Camilla did. Of course Camilla would never hate her mother but she never understood it. The other children were always doted on. Camilla remained daddy's little girl. She felt nurtured from him and adored. When her father died, a part of Camilla died with him. Not a day goes by when she didn't think about him. So many nights she would stare at his pictures and rub his face on the black and white paper. Her heart is still broken. He left her to contend with her mother alone. Once he passed on, her mother was relentless with Camilla. Always putting her down, to the point that Camilla just wanted out.

Camilla wiped her eyes with her T-shirt and tried to muster herself together. There was another three days of this emotional roller coaster, and somehow she had to get through it. With the first day under her belt, Camilla went to her room. It looked the same as the day she left it. She instantly got a waft of deodorizer that her mother used to keep the stale air at bay. The walls were still purple, with faded pictures of horses. Camilla never understood the horses, because she had no interest in them what so ever. She settled her suit case on a chair and changed into shorts and a T. She opened the window a crack, just enough to let some fresh air in the room, and so she could sneak in a cigarette. Really it was no one's business if she smoked or not, but getting the heat from anyone was not on her agenda this evening.

The next morning was all about making food for the memorial. There wouldn't be a huge funeral. Mom had nobody left on her side of the family to attend. She had no friends because she lived for her father and once he passed she became too difficult to get along with anyone. So a few neighbors and the kids would be all. That was fine with Camilla because this meant nothing would be dragged on and she could leave sooner than later.

Already, there was chatter in the kitchen. Her sisters were gathered around the table drinking coffee and eating breakfast.

“Good morning sleepy head. Did you sleep well?”
“Yes, yes I did. So what is for breakfast?” She took a quick glance on the table and saw pancakes and orange juice.

“Well, what you see is what you get. Help yourself.”

“Thanks Janet, I will.” Camilla grabbed a coffee mug and made herself a cup of coffee. Then she grabbed a pancake and nibbled on it while she leaned against the counter. There was room to sit at the table and it would make it harder for her to escape any uncomfortable conversation.

“Listen, Camilla. We were just saying how you were the last one to leave the nest so maybe you should make a speech for the memorial. What do you think?”

“Um- NO! I am not getting up in front of everyone. What am I supposed to say?” The thought of it alone made her want to vomit.

“What do you mean? You tell something pleasant about our mother. How grateful you were to have her in your life. That sort of thing. It shouldn't be hard, you were the baby.”

“Okay Janet, listen to this. I was not the baby, not mom's anyway. She is not my mother.” Camilla couldn't hold it in anymore. There was no way she was going to say wonderful things about a woman that made her feel like her birth was a burden.

“Are you okay Camilla? You are talking nonsense here. Are you on drugs?” Her three sisters looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

“Yeah, I am on drugs. Of course, that makes total sense!”

“Well come on! Listen to yourself. You sound crazy. Of course she was your mother, who else would your mother be? Being adopted does not mean she wasn't your mother. She was a good mom and you are lucky to have had such a great family who loves you.”

“Okay Janet, there are things you don't know about mom and I. We weren't mother and daughter. It was not peaches and cream. You guys are much older, you weren't here living with her. If you remember you were all in college when I was “adopted”. Didn't you ever wonder why mom and dad would even want to adopt a daughter that late in life? Were you guys so wrapped up in your own lives that you didn't question that situation? I grew up here pretty much alone and had the devil on my back constantly. I left because I couldn't take it anymore. Mother did not like me and only as of late do I know why.”

Now her sisters were sitting on the edge of their seats. Waiting for the next chapter of an untold novel. Camilla wasn't sure if she could say anything else without breaking down. Today was not the day to make this about herself. Now she wishes she didn't say a word, or better yet not come at all. Camilla didn't want to raise eyebrows but dam it all the woman is gone now. She felt she had to the right to be validated a little, some how.
She sat with a blank stare for some time while her sisters stared at each other in anticipation. They were all dumb founded with quizzical faces.

Camilla had to wonder if they would truly cared or were they only interested in her drama as they would have put it themselves.

“Listen, maybe now isn't such a great time to be talking about this. This is about mom and we are all together, so let's keep it at that.”

“Oh no little sister! You are not doing that. This is just like you to start something and not finish it. NO! You are going to tell us what you meant by all of that. There will be no judging, we promise.”

Camilla rolled her eyes because if they knew they couldn't possibly judge her. It wasn't about her in the beginning.

“Okay, but you guys have to realize that is also very new to me as well. I had no idea until I was sent a letter only a couple of weeks ago.”

Her sister Janet tilted her head to one side and stared at Camilla from head to toe, wondering what could possibly come out of her mouth.

“Well about a year before I was born, dad had an affair.”

Only gasps from their mouth and they looked at each other and then back at Camilla.
“No way! We don't believe it for a minute. How could you make something like this up Camilla? Of all times to stir the pot, really?!”

Camilla threw her arms up in the air and felt very frustrated, “You see, I told you! This was not the right time. Maybe never would be the right time. I don't have the answers, but if you let me finish, you will at least know and how you deal with it is totally up to you.”

“Okay, okay. Finish, because we still have so much to do here.”

“Well dad had an affair with Aunt Elaine, mom's sister. When I was only a couple of months old, Aunt Elaine told dad that I was his daughter, and that she was dying. She wanted dad to promise to raise me as his own. Of course mom could not believe it. If you remember she had a melt down. Her sister Elaine had her promise that I would not come in between her and dad. I was to be loved as both their own. Anyway they legally adopted me just before Aunt Elaine, my mother passed away.”

Everyone was staring at her like she was some sort of new intention. Dismayed, confused and nothing to say.

“Well mom never treated me poorly nor did she abuse me but she always made me feel like I just didn't add up to her expectations. I know why now. I wasn't hers and yet my father is your father. It is confusing I will say that much. Now that I know, I understand why mom was bitter and why dad fussed over me so much. Believe me I have gone over this so many times in my head. I have spent nights crying and wondering what Aunt Elaine was like. What if they stayed together? Would I have been happier?”

Camilla at this point was talking out the window and unable to face any of her sisters. Her back turned to them as she waited for any kind of response.

“Who sent you this letter? And where is it?” Of course there is Janet, taking control again. The other two were like two blind mice. What they don't know won't hurt them.
“I have the letter here. Mom wrote the letter by the way, apologizing for the way she treated me. She said she didn't know how to deal with the fact that I was her sister's child. There was no time for consuming what her sister did to her and her own husband. There was a child involved and she felt it was her duty. I think she was afraid of losing dad all together if she didn't do it. She felt like she wanted to blame someone and couldn't hold it over dad's head for the rest of his life. Once dad passed away she was full of hate, hurt and grief. That is when she started on me constantly. Which all makes perfect sense now, right?”

The next few hours were spent in silence. It was as though Camilla were sitting in a porthole looking through it and seeing what once was her family now being destroyed by truth. She wasn't sure how she would fit into the picture now, or how the others will treat her. Camilla felt validated for the first time in her life. Nobody can tell her she is over reacting or felt unloved for no reason.
Janet and her sisters took the letter and went outside to re read it. If I didn't have this letter, who knows how this would have turned out. An hour went by and Camilla had to go and see for herself what they were thinking.

“Camilla, honey. We had no idea about this. It is horrific that you had to go through this and that mom kept this whole thing a hush to avoid attention on herself or her marriage. We always came home for the holidays and not once did I ever suspect anything odd. I thought mom was a little crazy for adopted a child when her own kids were well on their way out the door. I also thought you were difficult without just cause. I don't know what to say to you. I hope you realize we all love you no matter who you came from. Daddy was “our” daddy and I know he loved you very much. Mom obviously had issues with this arrangement but I am sure she did her best considering.”

“Oh she did. Now I know the truth and accepting that she had no other way of loving me.”

Although nobody came out and said anything, Camilla felt the difference. There was a little more respect towards her. She wasn't just the kid sister with emotional issues. Her issues were real and there was a feeling of relief on Camilla's part.

Camilla had to see her father or at least feel as though she was closer to him. She sat beside his tomb stone and wiped the dirt away, so she could see his face. The picture alone sent her into tears.

Oh Daddy, this is all such a mix up. I don't want to be so angry with mom and I wish I could put everything aside like it didn't happen. Mom's letter answered so many questions for me and I wish I knew a long time ago rather than now. I do know one thing for sure. I forgive mom and I will miss her. I forgive her because she gave me answers that I otherwise would have battled with for the rest of my life. I love you daddy.

So many emotions overwhelmed Camilla at this point. Missing her father was a big one but a sense of needing her mother was another. She wanted that missing link between them to connect co badly. This is a time in life to move forward and forgive. It would be the only way to have peace.

“Camilla, honey? Are you almost ready? We are heading out shortly.”

“I am coming Janet. I just have to finish putting some makeup on.” Looking at herself in the mirror she suddenly realized she never wore makeup. Her mother always told her it wouldn't help cover her flaws. Well she wasn't here anymore and my flaws were not mine. They were hers and dad's. No longer did she have to feel that burden not being good enough.

As Camilla walked downstairs her sisters were standing at the doorway, and when they glanced up at her they were stunned. It seemed as though Camilla blossomed from a dying bud.

“Oh Camilla, you look so, well so beautiful! Look at your hair, your makeup, and oh my this dress! What happened to the girl who showed up here only two days ago?”
Camilla did a twirl and felt so different, so happy. How could someone feel so happy on such a dreadful day? So ironic but so fitting.

“I am not sure who she was Janet, but I am really glad she died without me.”

The church was not full by any means, although there were a few more people than they expected. The girls and Jack went through the whole “sorry for your loss” and the other appropriate procedures of a memorial service. As people started to talk among themselves and getting ready to depart Camilla went to the microphone and started,
“Excuse me everyone. I would like to say a few things before we depart.”

Her sisters looked at her in surprise. She said she wouldn't be reading anything and she certainly didn't tell them she changed her mind.

“I want to start with, how happy I am to have spent the last couple of days with the ones I love. The last couple of days really gave me time to adjust to our new lives ahead of us without mom and dad now. Mother's have a way with being dealt burdens we will never know about. Some handle them with grace and some burdens are just that, burdens. I believe when two people love each other enough, they tend to take these burdens on with love for each other. Their lives are shared by a bond that nobody else would understand. My parents were both very strong people and I have to say that they have changed my life in so many ways. Even though mom is not here right now, I know I will connect with her in some way because she has already given me new site on the future ahead. My heart is glad to know that she is with dad now and that is when she was the happiest. Thank you for coming today.”

People smiled and hugged her and some shed a tear. Her sisters were so touched they were speechless. They will never know how Camilla was raised and what she had to endure but they understood now more than ever.

That night would be Camilla's last, so she and her siblings spent it with laughter and great food. They listened to music and told stories of when they were younger. Most of them didn't include Camilla but she liked hearing the normalcy that once lived in this house.

Three days later Camilla was on her way back home and had the letter in her hands from her mom. She didn't realize she was crying in silence until she saw a tear drop land on the words, Love Mom. In a weird way Camilla felt closer to her mother than she ever had in her whole life.




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