A New Beginning

CHAPTER ONE, FORGETTING

I sat there waiting in the car a while. My mind wandered. I knew this moment would change my life. I felt the fear, I heard the whizzing as the bombs flew down coming to meet me, then to my horror, I heard the explosions. I yelled, but the blasts were too loud to overcome. I knelt under a near-by fallen tree and held my gun close to my chest. The sky was roaring around me and the clouds rained down sheets of ice crystals, cutting open my face. I shivered and watched for Kyla. I scanned the burned area around me, watching the smoke climb up into the sky, then I saw her. She was clutching her gun and running so fast, she was tripping over her feet every other step. I called to her and she locked her eyes on me. I saw her strides grow slower and her face relax. She was getting closer, but just then I heard a whistling and I froze.

"KYLA, NO!"

Something brushed my shoulder and I drew away. I sobbed into my arm and shook my head.

"Jay, are you alright ?" My mom said to me in a calm voice, "Sweetie, you're home! Jay you're home!" She knew what had happened but she didn't understand really. I wiped my face and shrugged her off. I steadied myself and told her I'd be inside soon. I sat there thinking of Kyla and of that day four months ago. I found that every bone inside me ached for her. The wound in my shoulder was now healing up but I knew I would never forget it.

I entered the small grey house and found my mom making meatball soup in the overly lit kitchen. I knew my mom was trying her best to keep things bright.

"How was the ride here?" She looked back at me with a smile. I put on the best imitation of a smile and tried to respond cheerfully.

"Long." I answered. I was still clutching my duffle as I took a seat at the long rounded dinning room table.

"When do you have to go back?" She wasn't looking at me now. She hated when I enlisted two years ago, barely making it home in time for Christmas. She was different when my dad left. Normally she was the type who would take charge and gather up our ridiculously large family for these homecoming events, but now she kept to herself. My other family members--like my brother Jack who was older by four years, and my sister Shannon who was nineteen going on thirty--all had lives away from home. For instance Jack moved to Colorado with his wife Terry when they first got married, and Shannon moved to Florida. Jack married Terry when they were both in their early twenties and now they have twin girls, both with fiery red hair and a boy on the way. Jack was a lawyer with a mind that could convince you to say anything and Terry a doctor who knew everything from how to cure a tooth ache to performing a cardiovascular surgery. Overall they were a very busy family. Shannon, on the other hand, she wants to be a marine biologist. She's gone all over the world, I mean I have too, but that's different. She works with ocean life and currently works at sea world. Many organizations have contacted her, but she wants to move to Australia soon. She's dated on and off but never settled.

I felt that I let the silence go on for far too long so I decided to answer.

"Two months."

"Well, I'm sure Jack and Shannon will be excited to see you." I sat up straighter at the words she had just spoken.  "Honey, go set your bags in your room. You know I hate clutter everywhere." Yes, this is the woman I speak of, the cold, concealed eyes that now watched me were not as they were six and a half years ago. Now everything has to be clean; no bags or clothes stowed anywhere in sight, no glasses lying about, not one coat on the so called "coat rack".

"Wait Jack and Shannon are coming up? When?" My mouth hung wide open. I felt  myself sink back into my seat, I was exhausted.

"Yes dear! Haven't you been listening?" I closed my eyes but could feel my mother's watchful gaze upon me as she chopped up more vegetables. "Go take a nap, sweetie. Your bother's coming tomorrow and Shannon will be here by Saturday, hopefully." She muttered the last part more to herself, than anyone in particular. I gathered up my belongings and nodded faintly in her direction, shoulders drooping, eyes like marble doors, threatening to close tight with every blink. I ascended the stairs with long clunking strides, and my knees gave out every other step. Even stepping was an overbearing effort. I stumbled into the hall way, half sleepwalking. I found the door handle to my room and swung the door open with my other hand. Inside, where my bed should have been, was a bathtub. On the opposite wall, there was a sink and a toilet. I was so out of it, I thought I must have entered the wrong room.

"Oh honey I forgot to tell you," my mom said with a large basket filled with clothes in hand, seeming distracted, "We-I felt that the room was not being used so I turned it into a bathroom." She scooted past me and placed a few towels on the rack. "The guest room is across the hall." The guest room? I thought, Is that what I am to her? I found the room with little effort. The room had a small made bed in the corner and a desk stood next to it. The room was clean and orderly, and the closet was hidden by a long, wooden sliding panel. I placed my duffle by the closet  door and threw myself on the bed, not bothering to undress from my uniform. My eyes closed and I fell into blackness.

I herd the yells. I heard the cries. I heard her. I forced my arms to surround me, and knew that at any moment I would fall apart and crumble. The hair on the back of my neck rose and I felt the bombs blast. I heard the whoosh of the air forcing its way past me. The debris floated in the surrounding air around me. I cried for her and ran after her. But as I came close, she grew farther away.  I saw the ash but knew it wasn't over yet. I heard the last whirl of the bombs and then it was over. She was gone, consumed in the blackness.

I jerked awake, and found myself panting and sweaty. I tore off my shirt, drenched in sweat. I looked out the window at the night sky, half lit by the light dusting of the stars. The moon was over head and completely full. I could just barely make out the gray craters that defined the moon's surface. I took off the rest of my uniform and threw on a pair of loose fitting sweats. I went into the bathroom and slashed my face with water a few times and watched my reflection in the mirror. I saw the face starring back at me. This face was not one I knew; it was scarred, marked in all directions, it had stress lines near the brow and it's mouth was curved downward. I looked away, unable to watch any longer. I knew if I went back to bed that I would only had nightmares, so I strode out into the hall and made my way down the stairs to the front door. I opened it slowly, weary of the squeaks that might accompany it. I closed the wooden door and laid my hand on the frame. I looked up at the houses walls, painted gray in the moon light. The trees all made dark leafy shadows against the dimly lit night sky. I felt a cool breeze blow from the coast, the salty smell surrounding me. I felt safe just then, like, out there the memories could find me. I walked along the sand dunes and listened to the gentle lapping of the water upon the sand. The sand was cool and damp which felt great against my aching feet. Out across the black ocean, I could make out the white foam that came from the newly breaking waves. I heard the crash as the waves broke upon jagged rocks that met their arrival with a steady strength. I placed my hands inside the warmth of my pockets and closed my eyes. Here. This was the break that I was looking for, right here. I would forget, I would.

I sat in the sand and let the stillness of the night fill me. I watched as the stars faded from view and the colors dancing on the horizon. I saw the seagulls glide on the wind only to land lightly on the water's pale, blue surface. I watched as the sun began to rise, bringing the air of the new day with it. The colors shot out from the sun's orange glow. The water turned a shimmering red color, growing lighter with every passing minute. I knew there had to be something out their that controlled these small aspects of life, like the way the colors seen in a rainbow appear in exactly the same order every time or the way the Earth always knows how to orbit in the same pattern around the sun. Who is up there, controlling the way of life down on Earth? Who was the creator of our genes? What made us all who were are today? I knew these questions are only asked when someone is desperate, but I needed answers. You just wonder what put the universe in place. Some say it's God some say it's Evolution, but I'm not sure where I stand. I figure if we're suppose to know, we'll be told. Shannon is all about the creation of the sea. She seems to think the complexities of some of the ocean can't just have formed from nothing like an Evolutionist would say. While Jack and Terry are Atheists, they believe there's no God, no nothing. But I find that hard to grasp too. I feel like life is so exact and distinct, I would have to agree more with Shannon. Even she goes through extremes with that God of hers. She says that God loves her. I just don't know if I buy all that yet. Some people give up so much for their beliefs and religions, and you have to wonder, why? What are you gaining in giving up your life for strict rule following?

As the wind blew cold air against my burning skin I began to feel more at ease and told myself to let go of the whole "questions" thing and just be glad to be here. Though, I wasn't sure if that was true, that I was glad to be here.

"Jay?" My mothers soft tones greeted me from behind. "What are you doing out here so early?" She was now standing over me looking as concerned as ever.

"Couldn't sleep." I lied, but couldn't bring myself to the truth that was beginning to scare me.

"You hungry?" She was wrapped in a shawl and had her brown and silver hair, that was usually tied in a bun, flowed down her shoulder into a thick braid. She wore thin rimmed glass but they didn't do a good job of hiding the beauty that lay underneath. Her hazel eyes met mine and just as quickly moved away to look out across the now calm ocean. She sat down beside me which made me uncomfortable. She wrapped an arm around me. That gesture was so foreign I didn't know what to do, yet a strange warmth filled me stomach. There was only one other person that did that to me, but now that she was gone, it seemed out of place.

"I would rather not eat just yet." I said, feeling ashamed to be dismissing this kind thought so quickly. She looked at the sand underneath us and sighed.

"You know," she began, a sad edge to her voice, "when your father was here, he-" She broke off suddenly, her voice catching at the end of her sentence. "He always knew how to handle the hard things. He would always know what to say. I would stay back, and he would go and reassure you kids." She was crying now. I was so shocked to see her talking about dad. She never opened up, not even to Shannon. I hated what he did to her.

"Mom," it was my turn to wrap my arms around her, "you're doing a great job, you don't give yourself enough credit. Jack and I didn't make it easy for you, but you managed to raise us to do just right." She patted my arm and wiped her face.

"You all are such a blessing." She sniffled and I knew I couldn't leave for the time being. She needed all of us, if not all, she need me. I felt my stomach grumble and my face heated up.

Mom sniffled and regained her head. "Well I best get breakfast started, you may be twenty-two but you're probably still a growing boy! And anyway when Jack gets here, he'll be hungry. He's bringing the kids too!"

Her mood lightened when she spoke of Jack and his family. I knew she was proud of him, of Shannon too. I really couldn't wait to see the girls and Terry. It seems so long ago since I'd seen them all last.

I came back inside to smell the eggs cooking and bacon sizzling. My moms hair had been neatly tied into its normal bun. She seemed to be thinking really hard about something because her eyebrows were pull together.

"What should I get the twins for Christmas? Do you think dolls are enough of a present? Would Roger want anything?" Mom was franticly stirring the eggs and they seemed to be hissing in protest.

"Mom calm down. The girls are going to love dolls." I puzzled at her last question, "Who's Roger?" She looked up for only a second as if looking for amusement on my face.

"I've told you about Shannon, haven't I?" She hesitated obviously knowing the answer.

"What about Shannon?" Skepticism crept into my tone.

"She's getting married to Roger in November and moving to Canada." My sharp intake of breath made my mother stop stirring and look up at me.          "My sister is engaged and no one had the time to mention this to me?!" I was nearly shouting. "What about Australia? What about being a Marine Biologist?"

"Well dear," my mother was taking this too lightly, "she's a big girl. She has chosen to marry Roger and no one can stop her." While the bacon splattered, I was fuming. I couldn't stay calm anymore so I got up, raced out the door onto the sand and screamed. I go away for two years and suddenly I'm the odd man out, I thought sharply. I let my hands fall into           fists and I sank to my knees. I looked up and found an older couple staring at me. I quickly got up and straightened myself.

"Um hello, ma'am, sir." The older white haired woman grabbed at her heart as if she'd just witnessed an animal speak. The older man's wrinkly face seemed to wrinkle even up more and he clutched the old lady closer. I nodded at them and started at a quick jog up the beach. I felt their eyes boring into the back of my neck. I ran faster and faster till the waves were just a blur in my peripheral vision. I felt my blood pumping adrenaline through my veins and I was suddenly smiling. I hadn't felt this alive in months.

My smile suddenly faded; I was running through charred blackened grounds. Smoke was curling around me as I ran. I heard her yells and knew that I had little to no time before she was gone. I saw other lifeless corpses outstretched in awkward position on the ground around me. I knew they were dead but some how I felt their pain as they were dying. I tripped over a body and fell hard on my hands. The mans head was cranked around and his eyes were open under his camouflage helmet. He watched me even though here was no recognition in his cold, dead eyes. His black eyes started changing color and shape. His whole body morphed and then it was not just another dead soldier I was looking at. It was Kyla's light brown eyes that scrutinized me now. I clamped one hand over my mouth to keep from screaming. I saw blood dripping down her cheek and her black hair fanned out around her head. I waited for her to get up and hit me on the shoulder, like she always did when she was messing around. I glanced around me and found I was inside a fresh circle of flames that were the product of the last bomb's explosion.



I jerked out of the trance and found myself curled into a ball on the ocean side. I wondered how far I'd run because my leg muscles ached and a cramp was forming in the arch of my foot. I rubbed my foot and searched my surroundings. It was an abandoned beach and up further, away from the sand was a large forest. There was a small opening out of the thick trees in which stood a construction site. I got up and walked up to the edge of the concrete slab and pulled myself onto the structure with the help of a support beam. I scanned the inside structure and smirked. Before my dad left, people would hire him, or us to inspect the work being done on their house. We'd go to job site and looked over the work there. I got really good at  telling the differences between good craftsmanship and messy work. This structure had some major flaws, but the work seemed to be done with care.

"Doesn't anybody knock anymore?" I spun around and caught the eyes of a tall strawberry blonde haired girl grinning at me. I laughed getting the feeling it was meant to be funny.

"Oh, I'm sorry, couldn't find a door." She seemed to be amused as well as she giggle slightly. She placed her hands in the pockets of her shorts and shrugged. She walked up the steps and stood a couple feet away. Enough for me to see the dazzling color blue of her eyes.

"A few people down the beach said they saw an angry guy running in this direction so I figured I best see where he was going." Her words were accented, ever so slightly, with a southern drawl. She smiled but seemed pretty serious in her questioning.

I grimaced, feeling embarrassed, knowing I must have looked like a crazed homeless man running his little heart out in nothing but baggy sweats. I picked at my nail and hoped she wouldn't read my face.

"Are you Mrs. Cathy's son?" My head snapped up and I looked at her, confused.

"Yea, but how'd-" She cut in, answering my question.

"You're mom's been a big help to us with, er-, our situation." I was totally out of it. She seemed to notice this for she smiled and spoke again. "My families' house burnt down, so were rebuilding here and your mom, she's been helping out by cooking for us and getting the locals from the church to help us build. She even found us a place to stay for very cheap. It's just really nice of her and all. She's also been talking about her son finally coming home. She never said why but I just guessed you were him based on your mom's description." She was rambling but I didn't mind. I wasn't much of a talker so I'm glad someone could fill the silences.

"Anyway, it's a pleasure to finally meet you." She finally concluded.

"Uh, thank you." I said kindly, "My name's Jay, and you are-" She cut me off again.

"Amy." She walked closer and raised her hand in greeting. I shook it and took a step back.

"So Amy, you said you moved down here from where?"

"Texas. We never thought of moving to Washington until my dad's work sold their company. We moved down here and I can say without a doubt, I have never seen so much rain in my life!" We both laughed at this.

"Yea lots of rain here." I paused but there was no need to think of something to say, because she had already opened her mouth to speak.

"Do you need a lift back home?" She was fixating her attention on my bare feet. I flushed, utterly ashamed.

"Um, sure." I followed her down to her white sports car and grinned. Of course she has a sports car...

"I'm really sorry about this stupid rental," she grimaced, "my Chevy is in the shop." I bit my lip, trying very hard not to explode with laughter. I saw her face reddening as well. It was so odd, being so comfortable around a complete stranger. I hopped in the passenger side and watched her graceful movement of slipping into the seat. The car turned on and a sudden blast of country was playing. I couldn't help myself. I let out a laugh and watched her eyes glance over at me, probably regretting letting a crazed person into the car with her. The ride home was pleasant and yet there wasn't a silence.

"So where'd you just return from? I tried asking Cathy but she seemed kind of touchy on the subject." It was no surprise that my mom hadn't told anyone, she hated my enlisting.

"I just got back from Iraq, but I'm not really aloud to say where. I'm not totally done, I only get a couple months off." She seemed to stiffen at this.

"You're a soldier?" She wasn't gawking but she wasn't bored either. "My brother's a soldier. Charlie Hunter. You know him?" I starred wide eyed at her. She cocked an eye brow at me than looked back at the road. "Well.." she said.

"Your brother is Sargent Charlie Hunter." Now I was gawking. She nodded. "I fought right beside him! He saved me from getting shot!" I recalled the memory of us working patrol and him tackling me to the ground.

"Holy cow! Did he really? I guess that doesn't surprise me. Charlie has always been a go-getter."

I gave her some directions to my house and she rambled on about her happening in Washington and how if she didn't leave soon she'd become paler then snow.

Very soon after that she rolled up next to my moms gray corolla and hit the brakes. I unlatched my seat belt and sat there for a moment.

"Hey do you-," I felt my palms growing sweaty, "do need any help rebuilding. I could anyways go over and check for mistakes or even just do some volunteer labor." I watched as she mulled this over.

"We sure could use the help, but I'm not sure how much my dad could pay you. After the rentals and stuff." She looked down as if embarrassed.

"No!" I shouted at her. "No," I said calmer, "I will do it for free."

"You're willing to work," she was now skeptical, "for free?" I nodded. "Well, the rest of the boys are starting work next week. You should come."

"Ok. Do you want to come in for breakfast?"

"No, I have to be getting back to reassure those folks that you aren't homeless, and there's no need to call the police." She smiled at me and I laughed. I got out and closed the door. She waved at me from the drivers window and flew out of the drive way and down the road. I found myself staring after her and quickly shrugged myself back to reality.

I looked over at the house finding I had been completely oblivious to the silver mini van resting in the garage. My heart leaped with excitement and I wondered if all would be the same between us--me and Jack, that is.

I walked through the living room door and instantly was overcome by the sound of laughter. My mother was laughing. I heard the deep tones of Jack's voice and Terry's horse voice trying her best to talk over everyone. I stood with my hand still on the door knob, waiting in case I needed to make a run for it.

"JAY!!!" I jerked my head to the side. I saw a flash of fiery red hair and then two pairs of little arms wrapped around my legs. I looked down and was met by green unblinking eyes. "Momma! Momma! Jay's here!", the twins called out in unison.

"Hi girls!" I swung my arms down and threw them over my good shoulder. Bursts of giggles erupted and the twins struggles out of my grip.

"Jay! Put us down!" One shouted, still laughing.

"Jay!" The other squealed.

I walked into the kitchen and saw all three--Terry, Jack, and my mom--sitting around the table, happily chattering. I saw Jack, he was smiling wide and broad, then Terry , who was watching the twins with the concerned eyes of a mother, and my mom who had no subtle hints of emotion on her face. Terry was holding her swollen belly and Jack's arm was draped around her. I never knew this kind of family, this kind of wholeness. The two girls shuffled up to their mommy and hugged the brother they were patiently waiting for. She reached out and touched each of their dazzlingly white cheeks with a reassuring fondness. One of the twins toddled over to Jack and he swept her up into his lap. I watched awkwardly from the door and then all I could see was the blinking of the lights.

It was Christmas eve, and I was going on seven. My father had just lifted me up to put the star on the tree's top then we laid the presents out. We were in the kitchen and Jack and Shannon were huddled around the light oak table we ate breakfast at. Dad strode over to my mom who was hurriedly mixing ingredients together, trying to make a cake in time for dinner. My dad put a hand on her shoulder, causing her to stop. She turned swiftly and her face calmed. He brought his other hand under her chin and held it gently. She reached up and kissed him lightly. He whispered something in her ear and than drew back. She smiled and went back to her cooking. That was the last time I'd ever seen them exchange any type of emotion toward one another. Seven and a half years later he decided to give up on us and we never saw him again.

"Jay? Honey, did you hear me?" I found myself snapped out of the daze once again by my mother's concern filled voice.

"Sorry," I said quickly, "No I didn't." She started stirring her tea. Jack suddenly got up--the little girl still in his arms--and strode over to me. He hugged me and gave me a couple brotherly slaps on the back.

"Lets take a walk." It was more of a statement than a question but I agreed. "Darling, go and wait with mommy, please." He put down the pouty faced child and she swung around and stomped over to her mother's outstretched arms.



We walked along the shore and it was silent for a while. Jack seemed to be contemplating what to say to me. He exhaled and finally opened his mouth to speak.

"How's mom been?" He began.

"She's in pain. I don't know if it's still from him or not. I haven't been here.." I trailed off, not ready to reopen that wound yet.

"And is she still-"

"Still trying to clean him right out of her memories, yeah." I winced at my own words. "How's Terry?," I asked, changing the subject.

"She's great!" He said enthusiastically, "She's due in two months!" I smiled too. Jack cleared his throat and looked at me, seriously. "Jay, how are you doing?" I couldn't speak. Every answer I thought up in my head was just as false as the next. I knew I could lie and Jack would drop it but I just felt like the lying had to stop at some point.

"I-I'm not good, Jack." He stopped abruptly. I felt tears come to my eyes and the pain in my shoulder worsened. His eyebrows furrowed and he stayed silent. "I feel...I feel as though a part of me......... is missing. Not even missing but gone and it's never coming back." I grabbed my shoulder and felt the tears spill over. Jack pulled me into a hug and I broke apart. We just stood there, all of the memories of Kyla flooding back.

I drew back and sat myself down on the sand dune, Jack followed my lead. I held my arms tight around me, keeping the insanity from boiling over. I held my gaze to never ending blue ocean.  I told him. I told him everything. I told him the agony of losing my best friend. I explained the seconds I had with her before she risked her life to find the break in the enemies' defense. All the while he listened patiently and nodded. I babbled about the first meeting we had and our first and last kiss, right before the end. When she left, she took my heart with her.

The silence that followed was loud and excruciating. I wondered if me getting up and walking away would cause the lazily stitched up hole in my heart to break open.

Jack only watched the wave less sea, eyes searching--most likely--for a way out of this mess.

"Jay," His lips were turned down, "you can't blame yourself. You know that." He was struggling to search for words. "You know things happen for a reason. Not that what happened was right, but I know something good will come soon. Jay, don't give up hope."

I could only nod and wish he was right. Things were collapsing in on me. The carefully placed support beams I put up to wall up my venerability came crashing down and I found it was getting hard to breath.

Jack got up in one swift movement, placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, than he was gone. I was done thinking. I shut down and focused on only the sounds of waves breaking on the shoreline and that was how I stayed.