Take a sad song and make it better pt 3

CARTER
Jesus Christ the amount of patience this guy has is incredible. I’ve been slightly weird the whole night but he’s just constantly reassured me that it was fine, he totally understood and there was no pressure. It was even stranger because I believed him. other guys had said similar things before and they usually tried to have sex with me at the end of the night. Not Jack though, he’s just happy dancing and drinking and so am I.
“This song is the best song ever I swear…” He says insisting for this for like the fifth time tonight and I can’t help but crack up.
“Jack! You have said that about every god damn song!” We are both nice and drunk by this point and the two of us have found a spot in the booth in the back corner. Originally I was sitting in the opposite side but we decided to play that game where you see if you can slap the others hand quick enough before they pull away so now I’m beside Jack leaning against him comfortably. I have zero sense of personal space when I drink. “You have to pick one song, you can’t love them all.”
“Well that’s not fair, they’re all amazing.” I hit him, just a sloppy drunk smack to the chest and he laughs loudly. This great laugh really, there’s something so free about it, like he doesn’t give a damn at all how loud he’s being because something is that hilarious to him.
“You have to pick one damn it.” I look up at him, a small smile creeping onto those lips. Only in that very moment noticing what nice lips they happen to be and wonder what it would be like to kiss them, but I shake that thought from my head, it’s not one I’ve had about a guy in awhile. “If you could pick one song out of all the songs, what would that song be?”
“That’s easy.”
“Really?”
“Oh hell yes. I mean I love a lot of songs if you haven’t noticed but if I had to pick one, it might be cliché but fuck it…” He leans forward which means I have to get up, but he makes sure he has my full attention as I rest my elbow on the table. There was something about him as he spoke, he sort of demanded attention, like he believed so much in what he was saying you absolutely had to listen. “I’d pick “Hey Jude” and that’s for one simple line.”
“What line is that?” I asked genuinely intrigued. Jack smiled and glanced down at his hands briefly then looked back up at me. Man he was sort of adorable. I know I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying a date with a guy that wasn’t Eric, but at this point of the night I was glad to be there. Jack has been incredibly kind and sweet, and managed to put up with my crazy ass behavior and I have to admit that I think I kind of like him. I know he said we could just be friends and we totally can but right now I can’t help but be mildly distracted by the fact that I really want to kiss him. It has to be a combination of the booze and how cute he is but as he speaks it’s all I can think about.
“Take a sad song and make it better.” He says with this shy grin that’s so sweet I can’t help myself. It’s entirely the tequila that is to blame and maybe his answer as well but what I do next is out of my hands. Almost immediately after he says that I lean forward and maybe a little stronger then I intend to press my lips firmly against his. They’re just as nice as I had imagined and the kiss lasts for a few more seconds before I feel Jack pull away slightly to take a breath and speak. “What was that for?” He asks and it’s almost like someone has taken over my body because instead of answering I just slide closer and do the same thing once more. His arms wrap around me tighter, just the feel of him setting my whole body on fire. I don’t know what I’m doing but I know I want it to continue.
“Do you want to get out of here?” I ask him coming up for air, though desperately not wanting this to come to an end.
“Carter you don’t have to…”
“No I want to.” It makes no sense I know, but I want him, Jack, and I want him really fucking bad in that moment. His eyes are so blue and intense and the way he’s looking at me. It’s been a long time since someone looked at me like that, like I was the only one in the room.
“Are you sure?” He asks again just trying to be considerate I’m sure, but I don’t answer I just kiss him again. Carefully we slide out of the booth, never loosing contact and the same happens when we find a cab. We just can’t keep our hands off of each other, like we are both just craving this physical contact so badly that we have sort of lost all sense of boundaries or control. I’m sure the cab driver loved us. We didn’t give a damn though, because once we reached my place we practically threw the money at him and hopped out quickly, stumbling into the sidewalk then pausing to kiss once more. His arms are so strong as they wrap around my waist and I pull him closer, knowing that soon we’ll be upstairs but strangely I’m not afraid. It feels like I should be though so it’s a little confusing, the alcohol is clouding my thoughts.
I fumble to get my keys out of my purse then we rush up the stairs giggling like a bunch of drunk idiots the whole way up. Thankfully once we get in my place I see that my roommate is gone and we’re all alone. Jack pauses for a moment in the living room and stops kissing me but instead just sort of gazes into my eyes with this sweetness that makes me a little nervous. After a second he gently touches my cheek and smiles then brushes the stray hairs from my face. It’s then that I feel it, the first pang of guilt, but I try to bury it down by pulling his lips back to mine. This time the kiss is much more intense, deepening by the second as I clutch the back of his hair tightly in my hands. We stumble across the room nearly loosing our footing, but recover both of us cracking up at the sloppiness of it all. Quickly I remove his shirt, pulling it over his head then tossing it on the couch as we make our way to the bedroom door. I struggle with the door knob but eventually get it open and we start to get closer to the bed but then I spot that photo, the one of Eric and in an instant I just freeze.
“Hey, Carter are you alright?” Jack asks but I pull away looking around the room that guilt coming to the surface in full force. I can’t breathe now, the room in spinning so I close my eyes. “Hey…” I feel his hand on me but instinctively I push him off.
“No…no…no…I can’t do this…I can’t…” I’m drunk, too drunk and I have zero control over the emotions that I’m feeling. It’s like everything I’ve kept to myself these past few months just so no one would have to put up with me are overflowing and I can’t control it. I see Jack who just stands there confused as I break down, completely falling apart the tears pouring from my eyes. “I’m sorry…” I say but Jack just shakes his head, walking towards me and though I try to fight him off he eventually wraps me in his arms and holds me as I sob hysterically.
“It’s going to be ok Carter.” I can’t form a coherent sentence even though I try, but Jack just stays, gently stroking my hair whispering that everything will be alright. I want to believe him I do, but in that moment I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I will ever get over losing the only family I had left, the only man who I trusted and loved more then anyone. I hated it though, I hated how weak I was and the fact that everyone was constantly trying to fix me. That it wasn’t ok for me to be this way, and I really just didn’t know what to do anymore.
“Jack?” I ask eventually, sniffling and wiping my puffy eyes.
“Yeah?” He responded, still holding onto me tightly.
“Will you stay with me?” I don’t know why I asked but I like the way his arms felt around me. I felt safe, I didn’t want that to end.
“Of course I will.” He pulled back slightly wiping away the tears from my cheek gently with his thumb and it was all I could do not to cry more. “Hey how about we go lie down ok?” Jack asks in this comforting tone of voice that slightly puts me at ease so I nod my head and wipe my eyes once more. He helps me to the bed, but not before I stop and reach for that photo. I look at it for a second, at Eric and I on top of the Empire State building, and I suddenly get angry seeing his face. It’s not that sadness anymore it’s only annoyance that he had to leave me the way he did, but after taking one deep breath I open the nightstand drawer and toss the frame inside then slide into bed, Jack lying down beside me.
“Thank you Jack.” I say turning on my side to face him, even through my blurry eyes seeing that sweet face staring back at me. He smiles slightly and reaches out cupping my cheek in his hand.
“You’re welcome Carter.” He leans in and gently kisses me on the forehead then wraps an arm around my waist pulling me closer. I feel myself grinning while pushing back tears as I bury my head in his chest. I listen to the sound of him inhaling the exhaling, finding it soothing and the warmth of his body against mine making all of that pain go away only if momentarily. His arms hold me tightly and as I focus on only his breathing I eventually drift off into one of the most peaceful sleeps I’d had since Eric had been gone.
~~
Jack
It’s the middle of the night and when I wake up I forget for a second where I am. I half expect to reach over and find my gun lying beside me but then I snap out of that and the dream that I’ve been having nearly every night since I’ve come home when I see Carter in my arms. There’s a small sweat covering my forehead and I can feel myself shaking a little bit, but I’m glad that’s the only side effect because falling asleep here was a bad idea. I could have hurt her. I peel her arms from my chest and sit up for a moment, taking a couple of deep breaths. My entire body is tense and I just feel slightly off, but I don’t want to make a scene. Carter doesn’t need to deal with my crap, no not after everything she’s gone through. I have to push these feelings down, forget the dreams, the nightmares, and everything else that happened this last week.
It’s hard as hell but I manage to push those guys out of my head, Evan, Johnny and the rest of my platoon. The one though I can’t seem to shake is Kev, having just attended his funeral only Monday. He’d been told last month that he was being deployed again to Afghanistan, and he dealt with that the only way he knew how, a shotgun to the head. Before I came to New York I spent an entire week in Philly trying to help out his grieving family, his wife and two kids, but there was only so much I could do. I wasn’t Kev, they didn’t need me, they needed him so after the funeral I packed my things up and headed to the city where Anthony, who I knew from bootcamp in Georgia, had a room waiting for me. It’s hard to shake though, especially at night when I have nothing to do but lie there and think. I was happy to have Carter as a distraction tonight, even if took a turn they way it did. I was glad to be there for her and not be the one who needed help for once.
Before going back to bed I leave her room and search for a glass of water finding my way around in the dark. After I down the entire glass I make my way back to Carter and slide in beside her and just watch for a little while as she sleeps. Her face is so soft and calm in the dark light of the room. I can’t help but brush a few stray hairs away as she exhales peacefully. We had only spent a few hours together but lying here with her has made me feel a little bit better. She’s something I can focus on rather then all the bad thoughts, she’s beautiful really, even with the snoring. I reach out an arm and wrap it around her, grasping her body in my hands. It’s nice being this close to another person, just the physical contact I find comforting.
I can feel her body rise up and down with each breath she takes and wonder what will become of this. I mean of course I said we could be friends and she agreed, but then she kissed me. I liked that kiss, a lot actually, but both of us are clearly not in the right mind to take any further steps. The thing is though I want just this, I think, just having a person to lie beside at night, someone to hold onto to keep me level so I don’t fall off the edge. Because I can feel myself slipping every damn day and I don’t really know how to deal with it. I know something isn’t right, adjusting to life not at war shouldn’t be this hard but I can’t help but feel like I’m not meant to be here. I don’t think I was supposed to make it home and that’s a feeling I cannot ignore. Yet as I lay here with Carter I feel like maybe I am meant to be here, like it’s okay that I made it back.
I just have zero idea of how to express this to anyone because they won’t get it. Hell why should they? I love my friends but they’ve led an entirely different life then I have. I’ve lived and breathed the United States Army since I was born, my dad and brother are still overseas right now. I have to try though don’t I? Try to be normal but every time I feel that damn plastic thing where my left calf should be I’m reminded that normal is far from my grasp. Even if the army is done with me I don’t know if I’ll ever be done with it. I can put on a fake smile and pretend that I’m just an average twenty seven year old guy, get a job as a barista at Starbucks or whatever the hell I’m actually qualified for aside from shooting M-16 from 300 meters and try to move on with my life. I get the feeling that it’s not going to be quite as simple as that though, even with the great people I have in my life I still don’t think I’ll be able to adjust.
Carter stirs slightly in her sleep, turning over so her back is to me then sliding closer pulling my arm tighter around her body. I lean forward burying my face in her hair and breathe in, trying to remember the last time I was in such a normal situation. The scent smelt fresh, fruity with a hint of vanilla maybe I couldn’t tell, but it was nice calming almost. As I inhaled deeply once more I moved back a little and tried to close my eyes knowing I needed some sleep. It had been awhile since I slept more then three hours a night, and I was strangely relaxed with Carter beside me so I might as well try. I know it’s a risk, I could have another nightmare but before I have the chance to stop myself I pass out not even second guessing my choice.