The Unknown (Fragment)

It will be soon. This end will be a new start, an awakening. I will finally see what my head tells me not to see. This end will not lead to a golden kingdom, but back to where I am now. A tragic loop-birth and death. One that we are condemned to repeat. I will win by losing and I will lose forever. My head is sharp with pain, a knocking throbbing pain. It pounds with every beat of my heart. My mind is empty with no thoughts. It is like a blade has cut out all that I remember and scraped them away. A bitter goodbye. Eh, a new start though. Yet the echos of the past still haunt me. The visions of peoples faces that I cannot identify plague me, drive me to insanity. Yet, so euphoric. Arousing. They make my head pain so much worst. I dream of escaping from this prison, this hell. There I will meet god. We will fight with silence and I will be the loudest. I am ready, yes ready. Ready to see god, meet god, become god. I will learn to lose, but never believe. The world spins, my eyes hurt from the constant spinning. I know I am ready, and will face it. The silence is strong, but I will kill it. I look at others who stare at me, the ones that smirk, that laugh, soon they will understand. They will see it. I will lose and so will they. Alone in this place with only pointing fingers and jeers. Alone I thought the treasure was life, yet I constantly yearn for the darkness of my eyes closed.

Under this tree is where it all started. I awoke there, not knowing how or why I was there. Or who I was. I tried to stand, but a terrible pain shoots through my body. As I sit up to look around, a glimpse of a face flashed before my eyes. A man, me, stood alone surrounded by darkness. My eyes were black and face red with blood. My lips quivered and I whispered “enter, enter”. My lungs burned as I screamed out what my mouth tired to prevent

“enter my gates

and punch my face

blacken my eye

and make it die”

The days and nights that have have passed, to many to count, as I sit under this damn tree trying to remember, trying to forget. I drink the rain, eat the grass. I am stuck, my feet can't bare to move. Alone and scared. Broken, yet I feel alive. Should I praise my situation? Should I learn to forgive? Accept it as is? HA! Enter my gates and punch my face. Today will be it. The end, a new start. I must leave, walk away from this tree. Away from this field, this hell. I wish to kill the haze in my head, push it all away. I will choke it away! And I will awake anew. I open my eyes again, and I am back to what I only remember. This tree, that damn tree. I cannot be blinded by the empty soul inside me. I will not fill it, it shall be hollow, as hollow as the ground beneath.

I will muster all my strength and I will leave. This time, for good. My legs tremble as my weight puts pressure upon them. I start to walk, slowly, away from my spot. From a distance, I see a road. Old with age and not paved, I started towards it, hoping it may lead me to salvation.


I had been walking for days when I came upon a wooded pass that split into three directions. I stopped and stared out, trying to decide which way to go. From the bushes I heard a sound, a voice. It was moaning -in pain. I looked around, trying to find where the voice came from. Next to the road, a man laid in a ditch, bloodied and nearly dead. As I stared, a feeling of dread overcame me. I looked into his battered face and I saw myself suffering the torment of what I had experienced just days before. Wallowing in the mud of suffering. I stood there for a moment, watching him take one breathe at a time. Slowly, each one further apart. Every moment seemed like a thousand years, until he finally took his last breathe of air. The silence of death is peaceful; something I long for. He was now free, no longer bound by this vicious existence. It will now only be a matter of time before he returns, starting the cycle over. This is what I long for. This freedom, to walk away, to give up! And this man has done it. I glance once more at his face, before I turn and walk away.

I continue my journey through the towering forest, green with life and chattering birds. Ah, my existence rests upon these trees, rooted deep in the ground yet free to move in the wind. I look into the sky and feel the warmth of the sun upon my face. As it's rays warm my skin, a truth is revealed to me:

“Pain is the only

absolute

in a world

of no

absolutes”

This pain, these experiences! They are all external! Up until now I was only sure my mind existed, and nothing else. I only thought the stars existed because I saw them. I only thought the sun, it's warmth was only a figment, a non existent shadow upon my very soul. Yet, I felt it. For the first time I had actually felt it. My wounds, my lack of memory. It is one of the truths I have found. Pain is guide post, the light in the darkness. The only way to truly understand everything. I sat down then, to fully absorb my revelation. The world around me started to spin, my eyes became heavy and darkness filled the bright blue day. I passed out, dehydrated, hungry, yet full of optimism. I would find who I was and learn to accept the cycles of life.