The Secret

"I can't do this, I cannot tell Mom and Dad!" My sister surveyed me, her piercing green eyes made me feel a bit guilty about the secret that I had been hiding from my family. She brushed her blond hair out of her face "Why does it matter if they know? We're all happier with the way things are right now."

"Are you really happy, Derek? Tell me what is it like living a double life?" Her voice was sharp, her pointed words hit me harder than I thought that they would. Why couldn't she understand where I was coming from, how difficult it was to tell people about myself? "Do your friends know? Probably not since you can't even tell the people who are going to love you no matter what. You're not reliant on anyone for money, your job sees to that. You are in a great relationship, shouldn't you share that with your family?"

"Charlotte, I need you to get why I can't tell Mom and Dad," I sucked in a deep breath, counted to 10 in my head and released it. Maybe I was going about trying to convince my sister that my parents didn't need to know about me the wrong way. "Do you tell them about who you sleep with? And why should I tell them on Thanksgiving, the first Thanksgiving that we have all been in the same town since I left for California?"

"Don't try to play me, D. If you're not embarrassed by the things you do, then there is no reason for you not to tell our parents about it. You claim to be proud, and in fact have even bragged about it on Facebook, yet you cannot even let the people who gave you life in on your little secret." A silence enveloped us. I leaned back against the wall and tried to find a way to keep defending my decision not to come clean about everything. "Listen I have kept this secret long enough, it's not fair of you to ask me to keep it in any longer. If you're ashamed, that's on you."

"I'm not ashamed, but you know how Mom and Dad are." My parents had very strange ideas about what we should be doing with our lives. In their opinion, Charlotte should be barefoot and pregnant, while I should be working in an office somewhere crunching numbers and going home to my own pregnant wife. They were not pleased with the life choices that we had made thus far.

"Those are tired excuses. You are who you are, no matter how much they want you to change." When she raised her eyebrow I knew that she was going to say something to force the conversation to a close. "If you don't tell them before dinner is over, I will."

She stormed away from me, as I slid down the wall and put my head between my legs. Charlotte was right, the time had come. I lifted my head, stood up and squared my shoulders. Thanksgiving was about to be ruined but at least I could sleep at night knowing that I was honest.

The scent of turkey, pumpkin pie, and bread baking hit my nostrils all at once. It was intoxicating and made my will weaken, maybe I could tell them after dinner. Charlotte looked up at me and seemed to know what I was thinking, "Mom, Dad, Derek has something to tell you."

Immediately they both looked at me with curious eyes. My mother set down the tray of h'orderves and cut her eyes to the cabinet where the alcohol was kept. "Dear Jesus, have you been cast in the new Transformers movie? You know me and your father do not approve of things like that. Imagine a car turning into an alien and having some sort of war with little baby dinosaurs that are really baby toys."

"Mom I'm not sure you got the storyline right for Transformers," Charlotte said, looking at my mom with a mild bemusement.

"Don't you get smart with me young lady. After everything you put us through this year, you are in no position to talk. Carrying a baby for a man who isn't your husband, whoever heard of such a thing?" The breath left my body, if they were upset with Charlotte for that, then there was no way in Hell they would understand what I was about to tell them. My Mom was going to have a heart attack and my Father would get his shot gun and kill me. "Now Derek dear, please let us in on your little secret. It can't be any worse than carrying a child for your ex-boyfriend and his new wife. Imagine the scandal that we had to deal with at church."

"I'm straight," the words hung in the air like a rain cloud. My parents exchanged a look that could only be read as 'Thank Jesus.' I closed my eyes and tried to word the next part as carefully as I possibly could but there was no easy way to say it. "But I have sex with men for money. I work in a section of porn called gay-for-pay."

"I work for a company that pays me money to analyze their sales, but I'm not an accountant." My Father said. The analogy hit me as I realized that I hadn't needed to brace for ay unpleasantness. "We all have to make a living somehow son. What you are doing is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as your Mother's Bridge Club doesn't find out about it."

"Thank the Lord that you aren't doing one of those terrible movies with Turtles who think they are ninjas. I mean really, how can a turtle eat pizza? It's so unrealistic."

My mother went back to the kitchen and began bringing out the food, and my father patted me on the back, telling me to sit down.

My secret was out.