Julie

Julie will always have a special place in my heart. She was the girl I wanted. We had two boys and then it was awesome to see her spring into the world on the day after Christmas. The whole family had come to be with us that holiday. Cindy was in no condition to go anywhere but home. Julie was the true Christmas present even if it was the day after. I happened in a season I was still thinking of being a supervisor of chaplains. When that fell through I was without work. It was during this time I had the honor of being with Julie while her mom worked.

Most of my memories with Julie revolved around dancing in the place called make believe. Julie loved to dance in her earliest days and wear pretty dresses. She had an abundance of stuffed animals and dolls in a big room that she did not share with anyone. At one point she went to daycare at a Catholic church and learned how to cross herself and was proud that she knew how to do this. I would take her to story time and she would always want a book or movie about the little Mermaid. I tried to coax her into broadening her perspective, but to her four year self this was where she wanted to be. It may in part have been due to the mural of the little mermaid on her bedroom wall.

She continued to grow, too fast for me. We would play school and she always wanted to be the teacher and we would dance. She would go to school and make her first friends. I was always there to wave to her as she went off in the bus. This was an expectation that was met with a smile as she went on her way. She loved to make her mom happy in those days and at the same time. She wanted to be like her mommy. I was touched to tears when she gave me a key chain that had two parts that spelled out best friends to the mother and dad she loved. Unfortunately that part of the key is still to be unlocked as to what it means in the throes of divorce that tore apart a family soul.

It is difficult to share about the joy of jumping Julie. It felt like she was stripped away from me, even if that is not at all true. She had little or no connection with my side of the family. She played a little dress up with Kim's kids, went to a wedding and a bicycle ride in Martha's Vineyard that seemed to go all wrong. The cars were moving along side too close. We made it to a safe place, but it was not easy. Julie is determined and when she wants something she gets it. She has dabbled in just about everything. She is writer, poet. musician, photographer, speaks Russian and is currently getting her doctorate in chemistry.

My favorite memory that will always stay with me was when she with me right after my dad died. I felt so vulnerable and lost. I am sure it was the little girl that spoke to me that day. "Is it ok for me to go"? The bus and school were calling her away. I see her now as much as I did that moment. She has grown and moved away. She will always have a place in my heart that in one moment seemed to be eternally broken. School was only just beginning for both of us about what to do when dad has gone away.