Propose Television Series

Well, some of the new shows on television are absolutely underwhelming; I'll name one, "Bad Judge." In retaliation, I will propose a new slate of shows, hoping a television or cable network producer will read them and pick one or more to produce for the continuing detrimental entertainment punishment of the American Viewing Public. May their minds rest in peace.

Here are a few of my show ideas:

Good Humor Homicide: The stories of an ice cream peddler, literally a peddler since his cart is one of those old fashioned iceboxes on a three-wheeled bike frame. We'll call the protagonist "Happy Hooligan," a dastardly sweet salesman who's attacking Fayetteville's diabetic population with ultra-sweet and addictive sugar-flavored sugar pops. A one-eyed detective, Sargeant James "Belly" Jameson, with high cholesterol is hot on his trail, while melting the heart of his long-time, beautiful optometrist who has thirteen cats. Sponsored by Doubtful Food Additives, Ltd.

Baby Daddy: This is a tale of a baby born with the mind of a 30 year old man. At the age of two, he adopts a new-born infant whose parents died at his birth. The judge grants the two year old custody of the infant because he feels their similarity in age will provide stability. The judge, by the way, is a teen-aged Hindu legal eagle who was a judge in a past life and was able to ace the bar exam in North Carolina at the age of 9. Much pre-pubescent toilet humor. Sponsored by a major alcoholic beverage distributor.

War is Heck: An animated version of Sherman's march through the south, catering to the 10 to 14 age group. Filmed on location in Atlanta and other southern locales. The general in this series is Mortimer Charmin, and is constantly eluding the evil General Stoneball Saxon. Sponsored by Big Bang Black Powder, Inc.

Love on a Buck: This reality show gives some lucky single guy or gal one dollar. They are charged with finding a willing date to accompany them on a date during which they may spend only the solitary dollar they are given, no more. Sponsored by Dollar Menus International Eateries, Ltd.

Gowns and the Law: In this old-west series, a Paris Fashion Designer from the 1850s is excommunicated from the church and deported to the United States where he teams up with an aged sharpshooting seamstress who helped Betsy Ross design the flag of our nation. The pair decides to move to Nevada with the goal of bringing culture and fashion to Carson City. While there, Pierre is bizarrely deputized two days before the town marshal is accidentally shot and killed by his fiancée, leaving Pierre and his seamstress the only law within 17 miles. Sponsored by The Mustrange Ranch, Incorporated.

Apples and Oranges: This cooking show features a different almost-famous chef each week. The chef's goal each week is to prepare a menu using disparate ingredients. For example, in the pilot show, Chef Yule Daretoeatit concocts a Dung Beetle stew over sprouted semi-sweet potatoes. The dish is served with a licorice/plum sauce, seasoned lightly with alum and drizzled over musk melon. Sponsored by Dynamite Antacids.

These are winning shows that should become popular next season, or, at least the season after pot is legalized throughout our great land. If you have any ideas for new shows, share them in the comments below, or tell us of the actual new shows that you cannot understand how they were picked up for viewing audiences.