Homework — Drawing Lines

Rayanne DuChane

Eng 401

Aug. 25, 2014

Drawing lines

Razor thin, perfectly straight lines cover both of her beautiful olive thighs. I trace them over and over again in my mind. A pencil sharpener blade the tool of choice for her silent cries of help -- each signifying the lines I should have drawn sooner.



Long shorts, jeans, pajama pants. My 16-year-old hides the self-inflicted scars. Still I trace them over and over in my mind, only imagining the full horror of their appearance.  "Extensive scarring covers both legs," the family doctor said.



Minimal consolation comes from knowing the most horrific source of her distress has been minimized. He's fortunate to have escaped with his life.  Mother bears aren't afraid to draw blood when protecting their young.



More than a decade ago, they seemed to be quite a happy pair.  She called him daddy before I had decided to marry him. They ate M&Ms and watched" Elmo in Grouchland" most nights while I worked as evening shift News Editor at a paper in the Texas Rio Grande Valley.



This man -- first a college friend and then more -- chose to be dad to my 18-month- old little girl. He promised us stability and love. My sole wish was for her happiness.



Two years of marriage and a second child later, the nightmare began and unfolded into 11 years of torture.  Angry outbursts, keys thrown on a rooftop, a car brought to a halt midst 80 MPH traffic on an interstate -- I told myself he directed the wrath at only me.  It wasn't true.



But she wasn't his blood. She was the oldest. She stood up for the others and dared to question him. Her screams led him to release an asphyxiating grip I thought would be my demise.



After much pleading, he sought medical help. The first diagnosis indicated bipolar disorder. Medicine after medicine, I held on to hope for a cure and tried to buffer all three children. Later, we would find that borderline personality disorder inflicted its horrors on our lives.  Counselors advised we were best to walk away from someone with so little regard for others.



Her shocking scars indicated the depth of his rage. He expected her to behave like the perfect little soldier. Follow orders. Don't ask questions. Walk a straight line. Not easy requests of a young teen, so she carved the lines into her body.



Why didn't I push him away sooner?