Winter Wishing

It's winter again and the sun has gone away
and like hands grasping for light that will never come
the naked limbs of trees reach towards the sky
My heart beats out a steady, deafening rhythm within my chest
and it sounds like a bass drum within my head
and it keeps me from sleep
And like the coward that I am and have always been
I let it carry on despite the tears in my eyes and the
dissatisfaction and darkness rotting out a great big hole in my soul
Caustic thoughts drift down and swirl in my lungs
like dregs of smoke left behind from a train rushing by
and I cannot catch my breath
This bed where I lie for hours hasn't been made for days
and it is cold like a corpse;
It is cold like this body that I lie inside
that hasn't been touched or explored or loved in too long
And I've grown accustomed to the mountains
and valleys and lonely winding roads that make it up
But God I just wish someone would take the time
to learn all of its dips and curves
And I just wish someone would take the time
to memorize the road map of marks and scars that reveal it
to be well lived-in but not well loved
And I wish my bed wasn't so cold
And I wish that my heart wasn't so loud
And I wish that I wasn't such an unmendable, unbearable thing
stuck living alone in winter, always