Elfo

Maybe I had had too much eggnog, you know the adult stuff with a kick. They kept filling my glass. Holiday office parties go that way. Before I knew it I was being shoved in a cab home. The apartment was empty, tree lights still on and the fake logs in the fireplace glowing like we were some country manor house. The plan was for Bonnie to take the kids to her mom’s for Christmas Eve while I stayed home and finished wrapping the Santa stuff.

Bonnie had the mantel all decorated for Christmas with garlands and the kid’s Christmas stockings. Next to an elf decoration she had left a note. “Off to moms, hope you had a good time at the office party. Someone sent you the elf on the mantel piece. Hope you don't mind I opened the package. Who is Lisa?”

I crumpled the note and tossed it to the fake fire. Who was Lisa? She was crazy that’s who she was. She claimed to be in touch with mother earth, chanted spells, concocted homemade remedies, read tarot cards, burned incense and listened to the dead. Not the band, the departed. Oh and Lisa was in love with me. I still remember that Christmas Eve we broke up. Her screaming and throwing things. Screaming that I would regret dumping true love, while she chased me down the street throwing antique glass Christmas tree balls after trying to strangle me with a string of lights.

Maybe it was the eggnog, maybe it was my paranoia, but I swear that elf's eyes followed me around the room. It was just a rag doll impersonation of an elf. Pointy hat, pointy shoes, ugly green outfit and deep hazel eyes like Lisa. “My name is Elfo,” it said on its tag. Handmade. I could have sworn its face looked like Lisa. That must be why she sent it, so that I wouldn't forget what she looked like. Shivers ran up my spine thinking that after twenty years she still held a grudge and actually spent time tracking me down.

I should know not to drink alone and should know when to quit, but hey it's the holiday season. One more drink to take the edge off the fact that my wife and I overdid it again and it’s going to take us until July to pay off Santa's bill. I went to the bedroom to finish the gift wrapping when I heard a sneeze. A faint small sneeze like a cat's sneeze. We don't have a cat and Bonnie and the kids are at her mom's.

One sneeze could just be your imagination, but two, then three gets spooky. I grabbed a pair of large shears and began my tour of the apartment. Nothing. The doors were locked and back in the living room the fake fire was still roaring. Elfo had fallen to the floor. Must just be too much eggnog. I have to cut back on my drinking or I'm going to start to think I hear reindeer paws on the roof. I laughed at my joke, turned up the Christmas music cable channel and went back to being Santa.

The sound of tiny running footsteps caught me off guard. I grabbed the shears again and moved cautiously through the apartment. I could hear the tree jingling as if it was being shaken or climbed. As I snuck in to the living room I watched as an ornament fell to the floor and shattered scaring me half to death.

When I recovered I saw it. Standing there under the tree holding a plastic icicle ornament like a spear. Elfo grinned, winked and ran toward me stabbing me in the calf. My first reaction was to kick the little elf across the room. It screeched as it bounced off of the wall. Then I screamed as I pulled the icicle out of my leg dripping my blood on the floor. Merry Christmas, was all I could think of to say.

I began to hunt for the little bastard. It had fallen behind the couch after bouncing off of the wall, but it wasn't there. Tiny running footsteps behind me made me grimace as I felt the thing climb up my back up to my neck. I pulled at the thing, it was stuck fast its hands like claws were stuck deep in to my sweater its teeth gnawing at my flesh. It must have been some sight me rolling round the floor trying to pull a toy Christmas elf decoration off of my neck.

It was strong for a decoration. Finally I pinned the thing down on the floor. It kept screaming it was here to revenge the injustice I did to Lisa twenty years ago this very night. Yelling over and over, “Die you bastard.” I was about to smash it with a fireplace shovel when my own humanity snuck in, my own version of the Christmas spirit I guess. I picked up the wriggling gift from Satan stuffed it in to a Christmas stocking knotted it tight. The thing squirmed and screamed while I tossed the whole ungodly package in to the refrigerator, first the veggie bin and then in to the freezer. I figured freezing would kill it. I limped off to bed and passed out.

Bonnie humming Christmas carols was the first thing I heard as she waltzed about pulling open the curtains in the bedroom. She’s a morning person don't you hate that? “Come join the party. The kid’s are about to open their gifts.”

In the living room the damn elf was back on the shelf where it was last night. It was just a dream.

“You must have had some night. I found Elfo wrapped up in Christmas stocking in the freezer. Really dear, you have to get your drinking under control.”

It was the teeny tiny sneeze that made my knees go weak.

“Bless you and Merry Christmas.”