An Otherwise...

the fence was blue black steel partly probably aluminum otherwise.  freely.  prison.  despondent.  otherworldly maybe I was back in Gosnell with  the dirt bike racing along the highway dodging cars to the field where I had my fun listening to Benny Goodman on my audible speaker small radio device.  The pond next door was gas for the fire of civilization partly because it wrapped around your mind like a bad tooth extraction.  I'm crazy.  That's what everybody says and I wonder when they say it because being so is probably like them but I can't tell.  That's the whole deal.  I remember trudging through the mud with my green knobby gum soled boots in a similar place hunting for quail in the cold and my breath was ever my friend as my father and uncle shot their birds.  I hit one once high in a tree trailing away.  Good shot! my uncle said.  He hit that one.  You want some beer.  My dad always complained about having to pay.  A lottery ticket to boot near the interstate where big trucks grumbled and killed the man with a plate now in his head. 
I sat by the fence looking out on a high green field and there were some cows there.  I thought it was paradise and I was locked in hell.  The high windows had a liquid sheen from the inside and a face moved inside them.  Not a pleasant experience.  when the man was talking to me from the ether.  I don't suppose you could pass the jelly?  Standing in line for lunch seems to be my modus.  I don't understand anything.  I drew a picture of the pool table and the shadows on the squared floor.  The room was smart with activity.  Dull, standing eyes.  I wondered why I was the same.  Ha ha.  That's not funny.  Sure it is.  Can you see the clear sky?  Basketball and tall girls.  I wondered why I laughed.  I can't figure out why I laughed.  There were some houses in a subdivision above and a worker came by in a truck and looked down at me.  But he really didn't.  I don't matter.  I can't figure it out.  And now I'm presented with the answer?  The old people lived in the other part of the building but we never saw them.  The nurse's station sat in an enclave in the day room.  I set the place on fire once but I was justified.  I won't tell you how because you wouldn't believe the spiders anyway.  My dad saw them though.  He came to visit me.  We went to an open air music bench grounds forest bandshell.  I couldn't believe they weren't playing Hendrix.  I thought they could read my mind.  Or at least sense the same thing that was in the air.  Every where I go I feel it.  that is a song lyric.  I don't plagiarize.  But during the summer the outside was bright and wet and green and open and growing.  I don't suppose you would have the answer?  I thought I knew what I wanted.  Maybe I do.  But I never get it.  That's the answer.  I never get it.  I can't figure it out.  Or get it.  Or figure it out.  So on into infinity I guess.  I hope you have a nice day.
By the fence I found a washer on the ground and followed around a while the edge of the brick until I found a pipe and shoved the washer magically in.  I wondered and thought someone would certainly find it and understand everything.  Everything I felt and everything in the universe.  I never heard from them again.  I guess they went on vacation somewhere nice.  A nice beach near the sea with blue green shiny water.  The depths are very hard to understand.  I would love to go fishing there.  But that's not my fate.  I'll just stand next to the fence and look out at the cows and distant trees.  I believe I'll end now.