Distance

Cutting off six inches of my hair felt like cutting away the last six years of my life.I stared at the face in the mirror willing my heart to stop aching with regret. I chanted my newly adopted, slightly cliche mantra in my head "New Year, New Me." It was slowly helping to calm the heart that I feared would soon burst out of my chest until I looked down. All around my salon chair were strands of hair that I had spent so much time growing. I had nurtured it, conditioned it, willing it to grow just to chop it all off. I felt like a mother abandoning her child. The red strands that had once felt daring, shiny and new felt lack luster as I stared at them on the cutting room floor.
My stylist for the day looked at me expectantly as she finished blow drying my now shoulderlength locks. A new wave of guilt washed over me as I realized I couldn't in fact remember what her name. It was something generic, Ashley or Brittney. I took a deep breath and plastered on the best fake smile I could muster. "It's beautiful, thank you, honey bee," my voice dripped with the faux southern hospitality people had come to expect from me.
It never ceased to surprise me how dated the idea of what southern young women should behave like could be, especially up here. Northern states have such strange ideas of what it means to be from down south.I blame country music and Nicholas Sparks movies. I was never much of a fan of daisy dukes or collard greens but I was good at the syrupy voice and smile. It worked with my stylist, her smile was beatific and full of relief. Perhaps she too felt I had made a massive mistake in getting rid of my mane.
"I think it would look fabulous if we took you back to your original dark brown..." her voice faded off with hesitation as if she knew on some level how evil southern girls can be. I took a long look in the mirror and nodded my head, afraid of what would come out if I dared to open my mouth at that moment. She clapped her hands with delight, like a seal in a zoo. "I just love giving makeovers," she said, her voice suddenly full of the pep it had when I walked into the salon earlier that day.
A little over an hour later I found myself staring at the reflection of a girl I had long forgotten existed in my cars rearview mirror."So much for not looking back," I muttered to myself as I pulled into the garage of the townhouse I was renting til I figured out my next destination. A grand runaway tour was my plan, but more in the spirit of Kerouac than that of a teenager who's boyfriend was declared inappropriate. I was out to see the world and what it had to offer. But first I needed to rid myself of the emotional ties I clung to like a life preserver.
The jangle of my keys seemed excruciatingly loud as I struggled to unlock the door that lead to what the landlord had sold as a "convenient storage space." In reality it was no bigger than a closet, hastily built to increase the already astronomical rent on the tiny home. I heard movement above me as I trudged up the stairs and my heart sank for a brief moment before realizing that it was most likely just Piper, anxiously awaiting my return. I quietly cursed myself for fearing that I had been followed and forgetting that I had left the world's worst watch dog free from her prison while I was gone. Praying she hadn't destroyed any curtains or throw pillows in my absence I opened the door at the top of the stairs.
My surprise was palpable as I looked but didn't see Piper standing there, tail wagging as I was anticipating. I hung my keys and leather satchel on the hook in the kitchen keeping my phone close at hand just to be safe. I admonished myself for my paranoia. "There's no one here, there's no one here. No one could know you made it all the way to Chicago already." My breath caught in my throat as I saw the shape of him bent over, scratching Piper behind her ear and crooning to her about what a good girl she was. I coughed slightly, just clearing my throat hoping to make my presence known. I saw his shoulders jerk for a moment but he continued to praise the dog. I silently willed her to notice me standing there, any other day she'd already be making laps around my feet as I attempted to sit down. He always had that affect on her, though, what a traitor.
"Hi..." I murmured instantly regretting how small my voice sounded in the moment. He stood and turned to look at me, straightening his dark blue v-neck t-shirt in the process. The smile that lit his face was enough for me to forget why I had left to begin with. The way it touched his eyes and made them shine as he assessed me melted me to my leather boots. His arms were around me before I even realized he was moving from where he was standing.
He breathed in the scent of my freshly washed hair. "I was so worried about you, baby. You can't just take off like that." He looked down,his grey-blue eyes seeming to burn my hazel ones.I took a step back, disentangling myself from his arms and closed my eyes unable to handle the intimacy and intensity of that moment.
"What are you doing here, Noah? I told you it was over, go home. Isn't your wife suspicious of why you had to suddenly take off for Chicago? There really isn't much need for another pizza shop owner here..." My voice was far more scornful than I had originally intended. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes for fear of seeing the hurt in his eyes that I knew would inevitably be there. I wanted to shake myself for worrying about his hurt when he had never cared about mine.
"It's over with Shannon, why don't you believe me, Maddy? What do I have to do to get you to understand that you're the girl for me? She doesn't understand me like you do, she never did and you know it. I tried, I've been trying to forget you and everything we have but I can't. We're meant to be, can't you see that? Is it so easy for you to forget my hands on you and my voice in your ear? Is it so easy for you to just banish all thoughts of belonging to me, Of how happy I used to make you, could still make you." An involuntary shiver shot up my spine as I recalled the way I had vowed to forget I once felt.
I stared straight into his eyes as I straightened my shoulders, preparing for the battle that would surely ensue once I was finished speaking. "I'm not yours anymore, Noah. I told you, I want to be independent. I want to be my own person. I no longer want to belong to you. I don't want to be a part of the lifestyle anymore. There are plenty of little girls out there who are willing to bend to your every need. I'm not denying that I miss you or that I think about you but you chose her over me and I'm grateful you did. I'm not meant to be kept, I see that now. We aren't compatible outside of the bedroom, outside of ball gags and handcuffs. Go home. Be with your wife. Find someone else to call you Sir. I can't be that girl anymore. I'm sorry."
His hand was hot and hard against my cheek as he slapped me. I jumped in surprise, he had never smacked me outside of the bedroom before. "You are mine, little one. You know it, I know it. You've known it since the first day you entered my bedroom. There's no going back, other than your going back home with me where you belong." I quickly brushed away the tears that sprang to me eyes.
"No." I said it quietly but hoped it came out strong. The second slap and fistful of my hair in his hand let me know I had in fact come off strong. My body hit the ground and I heard a scream that sounded distant. It took my mind a moment to realize the scream was coming from my own mouth. I stayed still on the ground hoping he would grow bored of the game or come to his senses and leave.It crossed my mind to reach for my phone and dial 911 but it appeared to obvious in that moment.
***
"I want to assure you, Miss. Allen that we are going to find this.." his voice trailed off as he looked through his paperwork to find the name "...Noah Callarsky. I will do everything in my power to see him convicted for his crimes against you."
My voice was weak and my neck sore as I nodded my head "The saddest part of all of this is he actually did leave his wife for me... I wasn't a cliche." My bitter laugh quickly turned into a coughing fit, causing a nurse to rush in and hustle the police officers out of the room. Part of me prayed they'd find the bastard I'd once loved being owned by. The other, more hopeful part wished they wouldn't so I could kill him myself.