"Brownie Points"

Chapter 1.
“What are Brownie Points”

Yes, you heard it right, “Brownie Points”!
You’ve heard the rumors, you’ve heard people talk about it and you think that you know what they are and if they are real but aren’t quite sure.
Well, I'm hear to tell you all about the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, (sorry Clint), parts of the ever magical “Brownie Points”
I’m here to tell you that “yes, Virgil” just like Santa Claus, they are REAL, they are very REAL!
So, without any further delay, we are going to jump headfirst into the mystical, magical world of “Brownie Points” with the ease of an Olympic high diver, that’s not afraid of heights!

Dictionary meaning:
Brownie Points (brouw-nee poin-t-s)
A monetary system for spouses (or significant others) when they screw up and want a "Get out of the Dog House" Free card. (or something like that)

This is the clear and precise definition of the phrase Brownie Points. Basically what it means (In terms that your average caveman can understand) is that a spouse, let's face it and say husband, is able to use saved up points (called Brownie Points) to get out of trouble without consequences.
Throughout the book we will refer to the other person that is not us, as the wife, girlfriend or significant other as a spouse and yes they are all interchangeable.
Its an easy to understand concept and fairly easy to implement as long as the rules were always constant, but this is just like a TV game show, with the exception that the rules are constantly changing in the favor of the other contestant or spouse. (usually the wife)
Now the whole brownie point system would be a lot more fair if the rules were enforced and obeyed by both spouses and not just one and if the rules were the same for both parties, but oh well, we’ll play the cards were dealt.
I am now going to attempt to explain to you in the chapters that follow what Brownie Points really are and how the system is supposed to work and how it actually DOES work.
There are many different ways of collecting Brownie Points as well as there are many different opportunities to use Brownie Points and for those of you with a little imagination and some cunning road work (like Rocky, Yoo Adrian!!) there are many different ways to manipulate the usage of your precious Brownie Points.
What are brownie points you ask?
Off course you’re asking, that’s why you have the book in your hands, dude?
Well these highly collectible and rare points are the direct result of doing the right thing to please one's significant other or spouse.
Very, very simple but don’t be fooled by it’s simplicity!
Brownie Points can be earned in a variety of ways, like I have already mentioned, are you guys paying attention!
The trick is to be able to know what your spouse wants or needs before THEY do (wow like magic!), this knowledge is half the battle, (or more), as you can accomplish things your spouse will handsomely pay for (in “Brownie Points”) to be used later when we screw up!
Did you notice that I said “When” and not “If” because we all know that when you are in a relationship, sooner or later, you will say the wrong thing or turn to the wrong channel, or let’s face, just because we are there present in the room is enough already!
Now do not make the rookie mistake that if you please your spouse you will automatically start collecting points because those rumors are just not true, those kinds of things only happen on TV or in the Movies.
In real life the magic and romance of the brownie points are very real, (and very elusive if you are a guy), so we have to work a little harder.
We will be creating the illusion of romance when we first lay the trap...er...I mean when we go on our date!
When the relationship first begins, we get caught up in the initial contact (like meeting an alien race for the first time...for some of us).
At this spot in the relationship Brownie Points are still a sort of mystical object but reality is starting to set in as we start to do favors for each other like feeding the cat when she is away and getting stuck in her driveway in 2 feet of....eh, I ah, well you can certainly see where this all would go if we don’t keep a lid on things.
Earning brownie points at different stages of a relationship also effects the amount of brownie points that you can earn for any given task.
Let’s face it, a flower bouquet will net you more brownie points with a girlfriend at the age of say 25 at the beginning of a relationship than with a wife of 40 years, but that is only common sense...,
I hope.
There are certain chores around the house that you could definitely score some “BIG” brownie points with but like all things that are equal, we can lose them faster than we can collect them, consider the following.
See, all things are not equal because we lose our brownie points at the speed of sound while we earn them slower than Snippy Snail and the Puppy Dog Tails!
You take out the garbage without asking and you automatically collect 1 brownie point. (Well, what do you want, it's only garbage!)
You take out the garbage after being told and you LOSE 5 points. (Like I said, you had to be asked?)
One thing you must alway, always remember and that is that you will lose your brownie point faster than you can collect them, they fly out of your account faster than Air Miles on steroids.
There are only two differences between Air Miles and “Brownie Points”, one is “Brownie Points” don’t last as long in your account as Air Miles and “Brownie Points” don’t have an expiration date but don’t worry cause an expiration date is not a factor that we have to concentrate on, they will be long gone before any kind of expiration date. (rookies)
Also, seeing as how it's your wife who hands out the brownie points to you and you hand the brownie points to her, you know that she is going to collect the brownie points much faster than you will.
Let's face it, it doesn't really take a lot to satisfy a man, whereas a woman on the other hand, you always see those poor saps in the mall following their wife, holding her purse and.........oh sorry, just kind of got carried away, where was I, oh yeah, she WILL collect them faster than you but she also WILL never need them, so how about giving you some of them points.
NO...NO, NO, NO!
No...Brownie Points are NON-TRANSFERABLE, I repeat, (for those of you that are a little hard of reading),...Brownie Points are NON-TRANSFERABLE.
You cannot beg, borrow or steal them, you cannot buy them (although with some significant others...) you can not have someone GIVE them to you, you can only use the points that you have earned yourself.
So as you can tell by your first introduction to the Brownie Points that they are indeed quite valuable and are to be cherished at all costs.
Another component of the brownie point is that this particular system is only valid within the confines of ones home, or approximate proximity of ones spouse, or girlfriend.
It does not work with another persons spouse, or girlfriend, it usually only works with the person that you happen to be in a relationship with at the moment.
It’s funny because all of you tough redneck guys out there are sitting back right now shaking your head going, "not me man, I'm the boss in my house, brownie points, smownie points!”
You guy’s wife's must be out shopping at the moment.
This is what we in the business call "Home Cahones", this is a guy who grows a pair when his wife closes the front door behind her, but as soon as she returns home, the Cahones shrink to little marbles.
These guys are in denial and need the brownie points more than anybody else...rednecks.
So like I was saying, even all those guys out there that think they are not living in the world of brownie points, they are dead wrong and they better wake up and smell the brownies, if you'll pardon the pun, before its too late and they're so far into the Shit Pit of lost points that they'll never get out.
The Shit Pit of lost points is so named from personal experience and is explained later in this book and trust me, we've all heard the stories around the campfires late at night but let me go on record as to say that this one is real, I was there and I shiver when I think about it, standing in the shit pit, the top of my boots just a half inch above the.........well you get it, points everywhere, all used, no good for nothing, breathing is getting hard......wait a minute I'm not in the pit, phew, that was a close one, I almost lost control.
But like I was saying these denial guys are the ones that need my help the most, so it's these guys, including all the other guys too, that I would like to reach out to with this book, these guys that still deny that the brownie point system exists need my help to convert them before it's too late.
It is my dream to help every guy out there that needs it and put them back on the road to brownie point freedom, a status of plus points instead of negative points, living back in the lap of luxury called Relationship Bliss!
So now that we have briefly skimmed over the surface of what a brownie point is and it's importance in our day to day happiness, let's take a closer look at what Brownie Points really are.
"Brownie Points" are nothing more than a method of keeping score, a negotiation with your significant others and no, for those of you who came in late, you cannot beg, borrow or steal your brownie points, if you did that, it would automatically be sprayed with that spray-dye that they put into the money bag when the robbers rob the bank, so don't bother to try.
Maybe you guys should start at the beginning of the book instead of coming in part way and then disturb everybody else by asking stupid questions, hah, go and stand over by the milk-barcode guys and think about your idiocy for a few minutes, okay now.
No Robert, you can't trade them either, okay, one more time for those of you that came in late and those of you with thick skulls, you can only use brownie points that YOU have earned yourself and the power of the brownie points ONLY works with your own spouse or girlfriend.
To another female, your brownie points are useless, they have no power at all, kind of like how the green Kryptonite can not hurt people on Earth, but it is quite deadly to Superman from Krypton.
So, if brownie points are nothing more than a negotiation tool, then why can't we use something else or just not use them at all, you ask?
Well, I'll tell you......again, but I'm starting to feel like I'm repeating myself.
WOMEN RULE, WOMEN RULE, WOMEN RULE.
Get it, it's like location, location, location, okay it's nothing like that but women still rule and the sooner we understand that, the better.
You see, the women know all about the brownie point system and they play along so that they can trick us into doing the things that they don't want to do while pretending to be trying to earn points themselves.
Guys on the other hand work like a dog to earn brownie points to get their favorite meal for dinner or to get to go out to the bar for a drink with their friends or late at night with the torches lit around the pool with a martini...well, you get the idea.
In other words, guys want women, a lot of guys don’t know what to do with them once they got them, but they know that they WANT women.
So while the women are getting their way in everything they want, the poor saps that are tricked (manipulated) are running around like chickens with their heads cut of, trying to earn brownie points for what would hopefully be some extra curricular activity at a later time.
You know, like the Horizontal Mambo, tata, tata, ta, ta, tata, tata, ta, ta.
Okay so we now know that the brownie points are not something that you can eat, they are not even something physical that we can hold in our hands.
This does pose one tiny problem, if they are not a physical object but imaginary, then why can't I steal some imaginary points, you ask now?
You are still not getting it are you?
Who do you think hands out the points to you...the brownie points Fairy?
"The Brownie Point Fairy" is explained in a later chapter for all you Kwezels that are having a little trouble retaining all this information.
No, your significant other hands out the points to you and she also keeps track of YOUR points as well as her own, so what would you say, hey honey I just stole five thousand imaginary points, could you add them to my imaginary total please? Yeah right, not gonna happen!
I can just see her standing there with her hands on her hips, just barely looking over the top of her glasses with the beaded strap hanging loosely over her shoulders like a librarian as she utters these words very, very slowly "OH REALLY!"
Yeah, I think that will go over like a monkey dancing on razor blades.
No, there will be no stealing imaginary points, besides points will NOT get into your account unless she puts them there!
So there you are, trying to earn and save a few brownie points so you can stay out of trouble and the person responsible for keeping track and giving you these points is none other than the dragon lady who'll throw you into the dog house at the first sign of trouble, without a moments hesitation.
The whole thing just doesn't seem fair, well, have you ever heard of the saying "Life isn't Fair", or what about "Life Sucks", get used to it because this is your life and your welcome to it.
Back to business, brownie points are not real, I know I said that they are very, very important and precious, but they are NOT real.
They are only real in the sense...lean in a little...I don't really want any women to read this, so if your wife is around or close by, just nonchalantly put your hand over this part, shhhhh........they are only real in your wife's head.
But you know what they say "A happy wife, means a happy Life", what a load of hooey, nobody seems to care if the husband is happy.
Anyhow, the idea is that if she is happy, in turn SHE will make HE happy.
I don’t understand why it’s not “Happy Husband, Happy Life”, is it because it doesn’t rhyme?
Why isn’t it “Keep him High, Happy Guy”?
I don’t know WHY it’s like this, it just IS, so get used to it, although I do have an answer, (like you knew I would), but that is too much information to cover here and will be tackled in another upcoming book.
With the imaginary brownie points she doles out to you, she rewards you for doing good and she gets the something good done for her.
You see, it's a win, win situation for her, mmmmmm, sneaky.
It's really not fair, they already have a few really good curves and soft squishy spots on their bodies in their weapons arsenal and what do we guys have, (the next sentence is to be read with a dorky voice) Uuh, I might not be very smart but I can lift heavy things......GREAT!
Oh yeah and they smell oooooh soooo good.
Okay, getting back to the brownie points and what they really are, we know they are imaginary, but they are a necessary evil, if you will, to keep the natural flow of life going between two people who have chosen to become partners.
If special care is taken and I mean real special care, that is you don't miss any Birthdays, Anniversaries, Hanukkah including Zwizzelstick Day or any other special days to HER, yes this is where ESPN comes in handy, then and maybe then......you could manage to go anywhere from six months to twelve months without a visit to the couch or dog house but I would just like to go on record as saying that this is a phenomenal feat and does not happen very often.
Majestic Marriage, Useful Union, Beautiful Bliss, this is how you'll feel for a predetermined (by her) time, so enjoy it when you're in it.
This would be considered a pretty close to ideal situation, you didn't think that it would last the rest of your life did ya, hahaha.
Most guys are usually lucky enough to put together a string of maybe three to four weeks of trouble and worry free days, anybody that says they can last as long as they want are either lying or a woman dressed up as a man to spy on us.
It’s just not going to happen where you can go for any length of time without paying a visit to the Dog House, or Weenie Wagon, unless you are single.
Another lucky break for us guys is the Newlywed stage, when the woman is still basking in the glow of all the romance you threw at her during courtship but don't be fooled into a false sense of security.
This wonderful newlywed stage is a lingering afterthought of the courtship and romance stage if you will and will be discussed in a later chapter.
We are however still in the "What are Brownie Points?" chapter and we are hopefully starting to get a grasp of the importance and rarity of the brownie points that you will be able to start collecting soon.
There is nothing wrong with as, a boyfriend that you start to put the system into practice with your girlfriend.
As with shopping for clothes and particularly shoes, the brownie point system is something that women are born with, it is ingrained in them from birth and they don't mind if you want to romance them, take them out and buy them all sorts of stuff.
You have to remember that women are born with a certain makeup (and I’m not talking about the stuff on their face, or neck for some of them) but the way they are, they like to shop...for anything that’s on SALE, they know the “Brownie Point” system inside and out and are Masters of Manipulation of things that benefit them!
The good thing about this is that us guys can now swoop in and learn all the ins and outs of how the brownie point system works and remember it for when it counts.....Marriage!
This is what we'd like to think but don't worry about any of that other stuff, just go out and find a girl and put what you have learned into practice, practice and a lot more practice.



Conclusion

So far we've covered a brief overview of what brownie points are and how important they can be to a healthy and happy relationship, that will later on, hopefully, translate into a healthy and happy marriage, when the REAL work for brownie points begins, you didn't think that you were already working to earn points, were you?
You are only learning at the moment my little apprentice.
Up to now, you've only been learning and playing if you will, and not been under the real live fire, you have not had any REAL field experience yet.
Not until you say "I Do", do you start your journey down the long and difficult path of “Brownie Point Heaven”, where you will bask in the glow of positive points, rather than drown in the cesspool of negative points. (get it, good!)
I also can not stress this one point enough, everybody and I mean EVERYBODY, wether you like it or not, everybody PLAYS.
Nobody sits on the sidelines, everybody plays, everybody is in the pool and everybody is wet.

(Of course there are exceptions to every rule and "The Brownie Point" system is not immune to these exceptions. The exceptions will be explained later but for now just concentrate on practice, practice and more practice, there is nothing wrong in being prepared to do battle for your own personal bliss by implementing "The Brownie Point" system.)

There is ONE Rule that we must never forget, it’s called “The Golden Rule”
Never, ever forget the “Golden Rule” of “Brownie Point” collecting!
Never and I mean never, ever...collect more brownie points at any given time than what you need at the moment in that point in time to get your sorry butt out of the dog house or off the couch and back into the comfort of your own bed....aaaaah!.






“Brownie Points”

After the great response across multiple sites I finished “Brownie Points”, it’s good for a laugh to brighten your day, #Funny and a #MustRead all that for less than the cost of a cup of coffee.
Check it out here at:
https://itunes.apple.com/ca/book/brownie-points/id957953687?mt=11
Thanks a bunch for all the follows and great support.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1. Introduction (Testimonials)
Chapter 2. What are “Brownie Points”
Chapter 3. How to collect “Brownie Points”
Chapter 4. Why collect “Brownie Points”
Chapter 5. How the “Brownie Point” system works
Chapter 6. The “Brownie Point” Fairy
Chapter 7. When to use your “Brownie Points”
Chapter 8. Losing some or ALL of your “Brownie Points”
Chapter 9. Living without “Brownie Points”
Chapter 10. Your “Brownie Points” & “Her Brownie Points”
Chapter 11. Boyfriend & Girlfriend “Brownie Points”
Chapter 12. Newlywed “Brownie Points”
Chapter 13. The Other “Brownie Point”
Chapter 14. Accidental “Brownie Points”
Chapter 15. The History of “The Brownie Points”
CXLI Extra’s