Reflections on where I have grown and admitting I still have a ways to go yet |
A cup of hot coffee warming cold hands
I look upon snowy mountain peaks on my front porch I stand It was a long journey to here and nothing I had really planned It sort of all happened once I decided I no longer had to be one of the damned I was once a runaway in the truest sense I ran from them and myself building a tall fence But when I ran to the dead end my road lead to penance I found myself alone and depending on only myself for defense As is true for all defenses only cold hard truth will win the day I had to face all my sins the ones committed as I ran away I found one consolation in my truthful essay Though I was nearly made into one of them I truely wanted to change I wandered through a labyrinth both from theirs and then my own creation now I had to stop and change my wandering direction I found it so easy to walk the path they have sanctioned now I must stop and force myself to a path of redemption I found myself fallen at the bottom of an icy crevasse And all those innocent ones I had hurt now I had to climb past I had to admit to my babies I was the one who hurt them last But instead of anger they gave me another chance I have traveled a long road to feel I can truely break the chains The legacy I nearly passed on to my babies won't be repeated again Neither my abusers nor those I abused could I any longer place blame It was all my own cowardly running that had nearly caused this new generation of pain Some say I am a strong and an unusual person to break this abusive cycle But I know differently, I had no choice, If I were to seek personal survival I became my harshest judge and denied all selfish acts that were suicidal I chose to live for my children to face my responsibilities and not stand by idle My work is not finished being only two thirds complete My son's are healed and loving young men who can show respect and sensitivity But my daughter is still angry and my resolve must be to never accept defeat Someday I will be there when she needs me and only then will she accept my offered key I planted deep seeded demons of anger within each of my children My battle will continue of this I am most certain I pray they have a measure of the strength I have been able to rely on And I wait to start my work again as my children begin another generation. So here I stand with a hot cup of coffee held between cold hands I look upon snowy mountain peaks much like my life as I understand The snows and elements outside me have changed where I dream to stand But my inner core of love and protectiveness are a solid foundation for the future I demand. Originally Written: 14 July 2001 This is but 1 poem of a collection which can be found in this Journal: "Invalid Item" |