If Only You Knew

You see me in your dreams. You see me in your nightmares. I am death calling your name. I am your name being called by death. I am as deep as the void. I am as shallow as a puddle. I am as enraged as the ocean in a storm. I am as calm as a flower in the still of the night. You do not know me. You will never know me.

I am the grief that grips your heart. I am the shame that hides in your eyes. I am the confusion within your head. I am the fear and trembling throughout your entire being. I am the thing that tears you down each and every night.

I am the tears falling from your eyes. I am the sadness you feel. I break you down when you need to be strong. I scratch and rip at you until there is nothing left. You fear me. You love me. You crave me.

I am the laugh in your voice. I am the happiness in your heart. I am everything you have left when all else is gone. I am the thing that you need most. I am the thing you are losing. I am being lost and you could not care less. When I am found you do not rejoice. When I am lonely, you do not console me, but rather you are lonely with me. You cannot fight fire with fire.

I am your nerves jumping all over the place. I am your restless soul. I am your un-trusting heart. I am constantly scolded for showing how I feel. I do what I want. I rebel against myself. I rebel against others. I fall in love but I do not stay in love. I am everywhere but where I am supposed to be. I stray far away. I get lost easily. I dream too much. I think too much. I am stressed out. I am lost.

You do not know me. You will never know me. I am as mysterious as the black of night. I am as beautiful as the midnight sky. I am as cold as the arctic. I have a temper hotter than hell. I am as comforting as the thought of heaven. I am scarier than the devil himself. No one gets me. I do not even get myself. I am crazy.

I am as vast as the universe. I am as small as a pin. You cannot see me but I always win. I am always there. Watching. Waiting. I never leave. I am ready to pounce when the time is right. I fight when you cannot. I cry when you are stoic. I am dangerous. I am safe. I cannot be trusted. I cannot be learned from.

I am feared. I am locked away. Never will I see the light of day. If only you knew what went on inside me. Only then would you understand. Only then would you finally come to your senses and get help. Maybe then, I can be at peace.

I am pitied. I am avoided. I am a blessing. I am a curse. I cause more harm than good. I am as strong as steel. I am as weak as a twig. I break apart but am always whole. I will never leave you. You are always burdened with me. You cannot get rid of me. I am constant. I am here.

There will never come a day when my brethren and I are used. We will never be fully understood. I am scarred. I am bleeding. I am hurt. Some kill me with words. Others kill me with lies. I am never to trust anyone. I am held captive by myself. I hurt myself more than others. No one can save me. No one will try. I am a mess. I am a screwup. No good will ever come of me.

I am your emotions swirling deep inside. I am the cries shouted in the darkness. I am the darkness. I am death. I am sin. I am nothing. I have no worth. I have no self-esteem. I have no confidence. I am mute. I can only listen. I am imaginative.

I am told things no one could ever hope to hear. I am the key to the box of secrets. I am the box of secrets. I never give. I only take. I take in what I can. I am told to be silent. I am told to speak up. I am a controversy. I am good. I am evil. You do not know me. You will never know me. I am nobody that you know.

I AM YOUR MIND.