Memories

{f. ont:courier}{/c
I was fourteen when I began having issues with depression.It runs in my family like everything else seems to.I didn't really want to talk with anyone about it.I felt ashamed that it was happening to me.I felt like I was in hell.I didn't want to get out of bed or go to school.I didn't want to spend time with family or friends.I didn't laugh or really even talk.Everything made me cry.It seemed that everything I thought about caused me some sort of emotional pain.
I was sixteen years old and a junior in high school before I felt that I could talk to my mom about any of it.She knew what was wrong and knew all the signs.My Mon had the same issues with depression that I still do now.She knew that I had to get to a certain point before I could talk to anyone about it.I was afraid that she would be mad or upset with me.I must admit when I finally did talk to her I felt relief.She was very worried about me and she was very understanding about it as well.
I honestly felt that suicide was the answer to my problems.But I realized after my conversation with my mom that it wasn't.I honestly struggled with doing it or not doing it.In the end I got close to it,but just couldn't do it.I thought of my mom and what it would do to her,what it would say to her after trying to help me.Unfortunately I still to this day struggle with it.
There are still days when I feel like I can't go on.There are still days I think the world would be a better place without me in it.I must admit there are times I'm scared of how I feel and feel like I want to give up the struggle,but I know I can't. It is not an easy thing to live with or to go through in life.When I hear people say a person took the easy way out by committing suicide it angers me.It is by no means an easy decision to end your life.But what people that haven't had to deal with it before don't get is,the person isn't thinking straight and they simply want to end their pain.
My mom passed away two months after my twenty ninth birthday.She was really sick but said nothing about it.I struggled the worst after that.She was my best friend and the one person who never judged me.But I thought about that first conversation she and I had when I was sixteen.She convinced me to get help by going to the doctor and starting medication.I can honestly say if she hadn't been there for me at that time,I wouldn't be here now.
I have no doubt that she is watching over me and I want to make her proud.As I said before I still struggle and I realize that depression is a lifelong thing not something that goes away because you want it to.That being said I refuse to let it keep me from living.Periodically I go to counseling but I avoid medication.The side effects are just too much to deal with.But I've learned in the past to recognize the patterns of my depression.In short I have my good days and my bad days.I can only hope others have someone like my mom to help them through it and understand its not their fault.