Tommy's life worries

Tommy's life had been hard, he had been through so much more than the other kids his age had been through. Tommy had never had parents that he could go to with his problems or fears, all he knew in his life was pain and betrayal. Tommy never felt that he could trust anyone to help him, because the one person he had trusted throughout his life had died at his own hands. So Tommy kept to himself, doing what he could to find ways to find a balance within his messed up life, through each time he felt close to getting that balance it was whipped out from under his feet. The only thing within his life that he could control was his eating and his weight, and it soon got out of hand so much that he ended up having to go in to treatment. But through he was dead set against the idea of treatment to start off with, it changed his life.



His life was getting better, his eating disorder was under control, yes he was still sometimes having a slip up here or there but that was to be expected. Also his father who had never been a dad to him at all was gone out his life, with the help of his doctor.
But now after all that hard work, it seemed that all that was going to be for nothing, because he was losing control of everything that he had gained over the last year, his life was starting to fall apart all together. His family that had took him in could see that things for Tommy were starting to brake down once again, so they rushed in to get him help, but they didn't understand that nothing they did this time would help him, there was no way of running from the devil. It's like trying to fight off a demon that can't be killed, each person that try's to bring this demon down, ends up hurt or worse dead. So Tommy is going to keep his mouth shut this time, he isn't going to put anymore people in to the line of fire, if the devil wants him, then Tommy won't stop him and will bow down and take what is thrown his way, no matter the price. Well that was the plan before he got sent back in to treatment, they all think by doing so it is helping him, but they are just putting themselves in danger, and Tommy doesn't want this. so this time he is going to get through this without opening his mouth and once they let him go again. he's going to leave with the devil, to get the devil out of his loved ones life's.



Tommy's pain inside himself is so great that he has to keep it blocked out, that he cant let himself feel else it will rip him apart and he will break apart all together. so he builds up a wall around what happens with the devil to keep himself from breaking within. even while in the devil presence Tommy has to shut down his mind and think of something that is not to do with what is happening to him at that time. Tommy finds himself going to a safe place in his mind where his best friend Carter awaits him, the person he trusted the most in the world, till he was ripped away from this world because of a stupid thing that Tommy had did. but while in this safe place its as if Carter is real, that he never died at all and that they were kids again running around the estate that they grow up on, and making trouble at every turn. But no matter how much he doesn't want to admit it, there is still a part of him that doesn't make it to this safe place and takes in all that is happening there in that dark cold room with the devil. people say that only the bad get cast down to hell, but Tommy always tried to do what he could to not sin, but then again he was sinning just by being himself, so of course he would end up here in hell with the devil.


The devil is still a child of god, and looks to have eyes of an angel till you step closer and see the true burn of evil behind his brown eyes. The devil's hair is always parted to the side and lays neatly with only a small need for gel to keep it in place. The only time Tommy has seen his hair messed up and hanging down over his face is went the devil his leaving that dark cold room, any other time his well looked after blond hair is always in place.
The devil isn't one to waste his time or money on buying suites and things, but he does like to make sure that the clothes that he wears, represents that he does not have money worries. By looking at the devil, with the way he looks and dresses, you wouldn't think of him as a devil. No in fact the first thing you would think of, is WOW he looks like an angel, then again Lucifer was a angel before he was casted out of heaven and cast in to hell. well this was the very same thing with this devil. You don't get to see who he really is, not till he wants you to met who he really is, it just one of his powers.


Tommy knows that if he reached out and took the hands that were offered to him, that they could maybe help him, but at what cost? at the cost of someone he loves getting hurt? this is why Tommy kept his hands deep in his pockets and looked pasted the reaching hands for the sake of his loved ones. Tommy knew that he life wouldn't be along one, not went he had the devil in his life, but he was meant to have died years ago, he had wanted to die years ago, but an angel had come and saved him, helped him to see the light and showed him that he could reach out and take her hand and he owed this angel his life. she was again there trying to save him once again, but this time was different, this time he was being chased by the devil. God hadn't had the power to stop his own son Lucifer, so there was no way that Tommy's angel could stop this devil, for he was much more powerful then Tommy's angel and Tommy was not willing to have anymore blood on his hands. So he wouldn't let his angel help him this time, he couldn't.

But it was the fact that he had this angel on his side, that he had not yet slipped down and lost his soul completely. But it wouldn't be long and even the power of his angel wouldn't save him from losing it. The devil wants Tommy all to himself and Tommy knows that with each day that passes now, the devil is getting closer and closer to winning that goal. But Tommy can't let himself think of that, he needs to gets the devil out of his head, he needs to think of anything but the devil, Tommy tells himself that he must only think of Carter and that Carter is just stood behind that wall in Tommy's safe place, waiting patiently for Tommy to join him in that safe place once again. Tommy doesn't feel so lonely went he's with Carter, now he knows its not healthy to be going into his own mind, but there he could run from that pain that he holds inside, the pain that has never eased off, that pain that the devil was making worse.

Carter was the only person that Tommy could stand to be touch by, for each time someone touches him, he sees the devil's hand, the devil looking at him through them brown eyes with the burning of evil in them. Tommy knew that hiding away wasn't going to make it better, he knew this better then anyone, because that's all he had done all his life. but now with the devil chasing him, it is the only thing he could do.








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Tommy sits on his bed, with his uncle's bible open in his lap, open on Matthew verse 21:22, " If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer" and he does believe, he always have. Even after everything that had happened, even after god took his loving uncle and his best friend, who was the most caring and kind people, he had ever meet in the whole of his life.
but no matter how much Tommy prayer's to him, god still doesn't answer him, he is still there stuck with in the grips of the devil, still without the love of his parents..




All Tommy has ever wanted is to be wanted, to be loved. but no that is too much to ask for. "why wont god let me be happy, why wont he help me?" 'god watched as a man of god had gone around harming harmless children, why does he stand by and let that happen? he gives all these promises, he says that he cares about his children, but why would he walk away from them? why will he let the devil harm his children?' "do you walk from me because i have sinned? because i am embracing myself? for in Leviticus 18:22 and 20:31.. you say "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination" .. "If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them."




Tommy knows these verse's better then any other verse within the bible that he had grown up having to read over and over, for his father had made out that he had faith in god, and yet his acts were of the devil. Tommy still remembers watching his father beat his mother, his brother. he even remembers how it felt to be the one being beat, but what gets him the most, is seeing how a man of god, a man that made his kids believe that you need to have faith in god to make it in to heaven, of how his father had broken his mother after years of abuse. Tommy knows that went he dies he may find himself going to hell, to burn for all eternity, for laying down with another male. but he cant help who is, what he is. but he knows one thing is for sure, no matter how much his father or mother want to judge him for being homosexual.. he knows that his father will be right there burning with him, and this makes him smile, because in death his father will get what is coming to him, maybe even the devil will end up there. but by having to burn in hell, it will mean having to be apart from the ones that he loves, the ones that have cared for him. he will end spending eternity along side the two people who have gave him so much sadness and pain within his life, and this is one thing that scares him.




Tommy doesn't know what to do for the best, should he walk away from god? or just pray that god will do right by him for once? for he has always been told there is room in god's heart for forgiveness, but is this really true? is there forgiveness there? the bible says so. but it also says that you need to forgive them who have wronged you, to get that forgiveness from god. but no matter what the price will be, Tommy doesn't believe that he has the will or power to forgive them that have wronged him, how do you go about forgiving parents who have shown you harm, stood and watched harm be done to you, plus forgive the devil who could never change. Tommy is more lost now without his uncle there to fall back on too, then he ever has been. Tommy knows without giving his forgiveness, he can not start to ask forgiveness from god, even if that is something that he wants more then anything. what Tommy doesn't get, is why god would ask this of you, for you to forgive someone for something that is so unforgivable, that is so unthinkable.




This world is falling apart, falling to the hands of the devil and yet god still stand by and watches it fall apart, is this what he wanted went he made man? for man to hurt and brake each? you have to wonder, because if it wasn't then why has he not stepped in yet? to save his children. yeah there is freewill but went does enough become a enough? because in Tommy's eyes it has reach far past that now, for him it has anyway.












© 2015 cole